Wednesday, March 23, 2011

American Idol Snark Station: Do Not Adjust Joo Screen

Hola Beeches!

Eet is I, Juan Carlos Miguel Jose Garcia Mendoza. Can joo believe that eet has been nearly a year since Mees Moi and I met up in that hotel room in the Miami Beach? ¡Ay, caramba! The way she scream and jump up on the bed, I felt bad for a second. I was only trying to make friends. But then she go down to the manager and make heem come up weeth three cans of Raid and a broomsteeck. No, I become very peesed off at her then, and I vow never to ever speak her name again.

Theese whole year, I try. I try to get her out of my mind. But, I cannot. Mees Moi, she is tenacious in the brain, like la Cucaracha in la Cucina. And then when I realize, from reading theese blog, that she lof Hennifer Lopez as much as I do, I think to myself, ay! maybe now we can be friends! Oh, the fun times me and mi madre and padre, and all of my cousins twice removed from my uncle's side from the Brooklyn branch have had in Meez Lopez's house. We lof her. Except that hosband, that skeletal man, heem, no, we do not like. Heem, we weesh could have been thees man:

Reeky Martin and Mees Lopez, they would have made the most beautiful bambinos, no? But, alas, Reeky's gate, eet sweeng the other way (shhhh, do not tell Mees Moi, eet steel make her cry) and there is no carpenter on earth or in heaven gonna feex that. Let us pause for a moment, shall we, to ponder hees beauty in the honor of all beauty everywhere.

So, anyway, I think, Ay! Moi and I, Juan Carlos, we have something een common! So, jes. I leave my home in the Miami and I walk across the Joonited States and I buy flowers. I climb all the way up to her house, and I knock, knock, knock on her door last night and what does she do? She throws another pair of those choos at me and then her dog, that fat one with the reedeeculous wrinkles on hees face, he try to eat me.

But theese time, I was ready. I bring the what you call it, the chloroform? And now I have Moi and those Perros locos tied up in the garach and I am typing on my leetle laptop from the inside of one of Moi's Louboutin's where I am eating all of her Cheetos and, jes, letting the cheeps fall where they may. And it is I, Juan Carlos, who will be blogging the Amerikeen Idol to joo all tonight. Ay, I am so like the Che Guevera. Except I cannot get this leetle beret to stay on my head.

Never the mind. We must hurry. Before that stupeed husband of hers, he come home with hees peestol.

Casey: "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" Who ees theese leetle boy with his grown up suit and beeg voice? I am confused. He ess not Reeky Martin sexy, but he has a quality. I know theese because Hennifer, she twinkles her eyes at heem. But I would say, lose the beard, muchacho. The ladies. They do not like the beards. They like the tentacles. Four tacos.

Thia: "Heat Wave" Heh. I geeve theese leetle girl a heat wave. She should come visit me, Juan Carlos, in the Miami in August. And we go get some carne asada at Pinolandia in Leetle Havana. Then we see eef she still sings like a leettle girl mouse whisperer. Peh. Two tacos.

Jacob: "You're All I Need to Get By" I lof the Marvin Gaye and I lof theese song. And I lof the way theese shiney boy in hees shiney pink suit jacket sing eet, weeeth just the right amount of feeling that never made me roll my eyes. But I liked not so much the keesing of everybody else's bottom. Four tacos and a jalapeño.

Lauren: "Keep Me Hanging On" For uno momento, I thought la chica, she was gonna treep in that silly long dress but then I say to my self, Juan Carlos, she got a the pipes. The pipes will get her through. Four tacos.

Stefano: "Jello"
Once upon a time, Mees Moi was at a dance at school when theese boy he asks her to dance a the slow song to theese Lionel Reechy song, which she hate, but she like theese boy, so she says, "Okay," and then theese boy, he tells her he lof her, even though he step on her choos, but then a day later he tell Moi's frien' he lof her, which, Dios mios, was not a good idea. So Moi, she tape a theese song and call theese boy tree, four time a night and play it over hees telephone because those were the days before that stupeed star-seex-nine ruined all a the prank call fun. Two tacos.

Haley: "You Really Got a Hold On Me"
Not so much hate theese week as last, but eet wasn't the song that was the problem. Eet was her drum majorette outfit. An' I for juan deedn't see no Beeg Band, did joo? Three tacos.

Scotty: "For Once in My Life"
Ay, I hear a the Texas accent and I start looking up expecting the roach-keecker cowboy boots to land on my head. Hennifer, I think she lof heem, though. Two and a half tacos.

Pia: "All in Love is Fair"
Oh, sorry, eet's so snuggly warm down here inside thees Louboutin's I had a nice leetle nap and missed performance. But I theenk I could make Moi my frien' eef I buy her that dress. Jes, even I, Juan Carlos, knows that the dress, eet is awesome. Two tacos.

Paul: "Tracks of My Tears"
Oh, jes, I know what to do weeth theese Paul now. Send heem to Reeky Martin, with a big red bow wrapped around hees butt. However, for once he didn't make me want to put charp steeks in my ears. Three tacos.

Thia: "Dancing in the Streets"
Moi, she says she like a theese girl. Moi, she is maybe un pocito loco. Even Reeky wouldn't wear those pantalones. Two and a half tacos.

James: "Living For the City"
Dios mios, theese raccoon tail boy. One week I lof heem, the next I want to keek heem in hees head. Tonight, I ask myself, "When deed Adam Lambert have a son? I thought hees gait sweeng a the other way?" Also: "Why does he keep squeenting hees eyes like a peegy?" Two and a half tacos. And a quarter jalapeño.

Jokay, compadres. Ees time for me to go hide. I see joo next week! Unless I get peestoled . . .


Anonymous said...

Well Juan, I've only been watching Casey (who's probably a troll) and Lauren (who needs to lose 25 pounds). And relying on Moi to tell me if anyone else was worth watching either by being horrific or very good.

If I'm understanding your Splanglish, you're saying that I only need to watch Jacob (el negro rainman), right?

It's sad but true that among Generation Yo! humans, 19 is still a "leetle boy" so I guess I understand your confuzzlement regarding Casey's suit, voice and manner.

But among Trolls, 19 year-olds are ADULTS and expected to act like them. He should trim the beard and hit the weight room. Faces look ODD in the weeks after shaving beards entirely.

But I agree with the 4 taco score. Might have even tossed in a jalopeno.

As for Lauren, I'm not sure that a dress CAN be designed that doesn't make her ass look big. But that dress made it look titanic and almost made her trip.

I agree with the 4 taco score, but I think she'd be wise to make them veggie tacos, with no sauce, and low-fat shells.

Anyway, I still like my two dark horses and will be curious to see what they do career-wise Post-Idol.

Interestingly, Hennifer, while praising Casey, may have damned him by saying he "doesn't sound like anyone else popular today".

But I'd still be curious.

Master Basho's Linguist Ghost said...

¿Usted está recibiendo y está juzgando el Haiku lunes?

chickory said...

wow! I love the roach review. He writes spanglish very well. Joo know?

@troll LOL el nego rainman.

i thought the last guy was horrible. I dont understand the judges at all. i liked caseys performance but i am worried he is getting tooooooo screechy. dial it down brother. and the roach is right...nobody likes beards....a little scruff is okay now and then (on a camping trip) but full tilt grizz adams. nay to the no.

or what was that?

i crap you negative? grherhahhaah

moi said...

Troll: Oye, joo are Moi's poeet frien' the juan with the beeg opinions, jes? I dunno, theese humans ages. We cucarachas, we leef forever, so I can not gage. But Casey, he steel look like leetle boy to me. An' take advice from mi, amigo, don' make a no jokes about a chica's beehind. An' watcha da rainman.

Basho: Jes. I weel untie Moi so she come by today.

Cheekory: An' joo that cute blondie chica with the Ford, right? Not a Chevy? Because I like Blondies in Chevys. Maybe I come veeseet you soon, anyway, jes?

fishy said...

Juan Carlos Miguel Jose Garcia de Mendoza,

I "Luf" your review.

Anonymous said...


Okay, watched Jacob (and Lauren/Casey again). He was very good. 4 Tacos. Thought Casey was just a bit better.

Starting to like Jimmy Iiovine's input. With Simon gone, he's the only one who's offering some actual critiques.

Structurally, I think it was an intelligent idea to have "mentors" who stick around long enough to be of some real help. And Jimmy is certainly better than some of the "mentors" of the past.

Methinks that Reeeky Marteen might prefer Jacob over Paul. Just saying.

moi said...

Feeshy: An' joo are that southern chica with a the good taste. Which means joo must have most excellamente snacks in your pantry. Maybe I come by for a veeseet and we haf a party on the patio, jes?

Troll: Good point about Reeky's taste, although, I keep hoping he change a hees mind all the way around. Eet would make Moi so happy. Jes, that Jeemy mentor man, he know hees sheet. Theese keedies, they should leesten to heem.

czar said...

I've never seen a second of this show in any of its seasons, but the idea of people mangling some of the great songs you mention each week confirms that I'll never watch it. Kind of like the reaction I have when I'm approaching any bar or restaurant that advertises Karaoke. If it's going to be happening while I'd planned on being there, no way do I even walk in the door.

I guess that's snarky, too.

Jenny said...

Little Roachie, you should know better than think Moi is going to forgive you just because you share big lof with Jennifer. She's home now with beeg guns, brother.

The most entertaining thing about American Idol this week was reading this post. bwahahahaha. Even Casey seemed to have one note and I'm sooooo tired of Motown week. It's.Been.Done.

I'm just feeling any of the contestants. Zip.Zero. I'm hoping for someone to break out, but after last night I'm thinking they're all playing it too safe. Maybe after they get into the top ten and everyone knows they're on the tour they'll start taking more chances.

Jenny said...

I just NOT feeling any of the contestants.

not enough coffee yet.

moi said...

Czar: Jes. Joo are snarky mang. Tha's okay, I agree weet choo, but one needs to take one's fun where one finds eet.

Boxer: Ah, an' joo be the re'head frien' from that place where so much rain comes out of the sky. Ay, I got cohzeens there, they like eet wet. Anyway . . . I lof a da re'heads, because, if joo noteece, I am juan, too! Arriba!

LaDivaCucina said...

I j'adore Juan Carlos El Cucaracha! he can stay, AI can go! I catch just enough on the Soup! (which reminds me, what shall I sing for my voice lesson today?)

moi said...

La Diva: Ah, eet is JOO! Tha lady who e'say Moi should keel me weeth a choo! Should I forgeeve you? Mmmmmm . . . let me see. Hokay. I forgeeve joo because you make muy delicioso tostones (dont' keed jorself, I was in Moi's duffle bag when she came over for a sweem and some food.) Oh, and joo should seeng some Dusty a Springfield.

LaDivaCucina said...

Pleese forgive La Diva, Juan Carlos, for I did not know what I was doing. You are most welcome to come with Moi to dinner anytime, I will even put out your own bowl of tostones! But, you are allowed on the patio only. (sorry, we have a very strict no cucaracha policy here..hey, I don't make the stinkin' rules!)

Girl, you'd have an excuse if you were on pain pills but I know you are not! haha! Thanks for making a crabby-trying-to-do-some-techie-crap-email-stuff-that-isn't-working Diva laugh!

moi said...

La Diva: Joo know I don't do a the drugs :o) And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Glad I brought some la cucaracha sunshine into your day, though! Hang in there . . .

Pam said...

Grrrr. Blogger just ate my wonderful post. BRB

Pam said...

I had a highly amusing post. Blogger ate it. All I can say now is that I totally agree with Juan Carlos and invite him back to the snark station any time he wishes to veeesit.

My theory on Casey being at the bottom is because they had his hair slicked back like an idiot and everyone who voted for him last week did NOT this week because of all the schtick they received from Nirvana fans who made them feel guilty for voting for him.

Why why why did they Glambert-ize our little rocker kid? How many Elvis lookalikes can there be in this world? LET THIS KID BE HIMSELF. Grrrr. Just irritates me no end.

Haley = gotta go. Talk about a girl not connecting with the song. She sings the words but felt nothing. I love this song. Hated her singing it. Hot pants girl has gotta go.

Pia bores me to tears. I don't know if she had a good dress or not because we heard the crickets chirping during that song and so we fast-forwarded.

Jacob and Reeeeky probably will be the couple, but Jacob doesn't realize that about himself yet. I luff him also. He's got good potential beyond this show.

Lauren is curvy but who cares. She is young yet and am sure she is feeling some pressure and admitted as much in the little video clip of her this week. Another one that they aren't letting be herself. Please don't force an eating disorder on this kid yet.

Scotty? Meh. I'm over him. Yeah, he's cute and having the time of his life. He's not going to win.

Stefano? Gotta go. Should went.

My cougar pick is Paul. Just wish they would quit comparing him to Rod Stewart. He does NOT have a Rod Stewart vibe. How much you want to be they pull Rod out of the American Songbook to come sing with him at the finale show? Argh. He has his own style, quit trying to make him into someone he is not. Is Paul getting the cougar vote? Because, if so, he could win the whole shebang. She bangs. She bangs. (Sorry Reeeeky joke again).

moi said...

Pamaylah: Oooo, we need to keel the blohgher. Eet sucks a da behind. But, jes, in my cohuntree, Lauren, she would be conseedered skeeny. Round. Zafteeg. Squeeshy in a good way.

Ay, it was a surprise! Casey voted off and then saved by the juhdges at last meeneet! Drama! I eet all my cheeps! But they make a the right deeceesion. Now, he go get a hair cut.

Pam said...

I seriously thought Casey was headed back to the hospital in some sort of heart attack that we were seeing live and in living color. (Did I just say that? Teehee) ...

So Juan Carlos, who is your fave to win so far? I think rockerboy can win it, I think Casey can win it, I think Lauren maybe also.

moi said...

Pam: Alas, my hosband's peestoles sent Juan Carlos packing (you may want to have Sterling at the ready, as the bug makes his way back east). That was a drama-filled moment for sure, but the judges did the right thing. America is by and large dumb in this respect, so I'm not sure Casey can win it. I think the strongest (if we can use that word) contenders are Lauren, Paul (because he is so of the moment pop-wise), Lauren, and Pia (only because of a certain Katheryn McPee vibe.) I would LIKE Naima to really show us something. But again, I'm not really feeling it this year.

Jenny said...

I agree with Pam, that kid already has an ulcer. WTF? Stoopid America, but I think Casey has a glorious career ahead of him as a studio musician or working in animation... or he'll go the route of that Buble guy. It's not a shame he's not American Idol fodder, but I do want him to have the concert time, so I'm glad they kept him. But I was SHOCKED!

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