Saturday, April 17, 2010

I Could Live Here! Uh, Nix That


Hola, beeches! It is I, Juan Carlos Miguel Jose Garcia Mendoza.

Eye carumba
, joo are saying to jorselves right now, that eees one hell of a beeg Palmetto bug!

But I am here to tell you now, that no. I am not a what you call Palmetto bug. I am La Cucaracha, and don't you forget eet, beeches. I am the biggest, baddest moh'fuhker of a bug in the entire universe and am so bad that right now I have just crossed zee line of hospitality with Mees Moi by running across her hotel room floor, making her jump onto zee bed faster than joo could get her to run to a feefty percent off sale at Gucci.

Eye! I say to her, so what? Am I not also a creature of God?

NO! She say to me, NO! And she run hell bent for zee leather downstairs to the desk clerk who must to come up here right now and dispose of me. Or she will 'ave to move.

And I laugh at that, hee, hee. Because where is she going to go in this entire goddamned city where there isn't a leetle tentacled brother or uncle or seester-in-law or cousin twice removed on mi madre's side that isn't going to greet her at the door? Hola! We always say, waving our tentacles.

And desk clerk? He jus' smiles hees island smile at her and nods, 'kay, 'kay crazy white lady, I come up and get reed of heem. You go walk on the beech and calm your nerves.

But I know better. I am as he speaks getting ready to do the Samba in the suitcase of the Swedish family who jus' check in next door. I think they bring candy, too.

So, buenos noches, beeches! See joo later!

Signed: Juan Carlos, the biggest mofo-ing cockroach that exeests in the universe.

26 comments:

Big Shamu said...

I thought for sure you would have blasted him. I mean, he's a pretty big target.

(I refuse to believe you jumped up on the bed.)

moi said...

Shamu: Had I packed my weapon? The sucker would have been a handbag. However, my gun would have put me over the weight limit with the airline. Ergo, I shrieked and jumped.

Big Shamu said...

Had you been packing a croc, he'd be guts on the floor.

LaDivaCucina said...

Oh dear, I should have given you La Cucuracha instrucciones.

1. Find your ONE PAIR OF FLATS or FLIP FLOPS and blast that muthaf*cka.

THEN.....

2. Prop his smashed body by the front door as a warning so his mates will know what to expect.

I've had roaches cross the street with me at lights in Sydney with a quick "g'day mate, how yer goin'?"

I've seen them eat out of kittie's food bowl and throw me a look of disdain of "what you lookin' at bee-yotch, just havin' me dinner!"

I've seen roaches so big here that I thought it was a mouse!

But honestly, the big ones don't bother me so much, they usually live in the gardens. IT's the little ones that bring filth and disease. Hopefully you've not had any of THOSE little German f*ckers in your room!

Lookin' forward to cookin' for you Mizz Moi!

xxx

Aunty Belle said...

howling !!!

Looky...jes' travel in floreeeeeda wif' a wee pouch of boric acid powder--sprinkle it around , go to bar fer a margarita an' when ya git back up to yore room, ain't gonna be no tentacles wavin' HOLA!

TROLL Y2K said...

And Moi loses her job writing for the Dade County Tourism Promotion bureau.

moi said...

Shamu: I cannot smash them. I cannot. I will totally gross myself out for DAYS. Yew. Yew. Yew.

La Diva: No Sieg Heil roaches here. We had those in Albuquerque, growing up. Hate 'em.

Aunty: NOW you tell me! I will do that next time. If there IS a next time. But I'm thinking: Next Blog Summit? Miami.

Troll: You just make me laugh so hard I forgot about Don Jose for a spleet second. Seriously. How DO y'all live with these things? I'll take a rattlesnake any day . . .

TROLL Y2K said...

We don't have them in Troll County. Doubt if Aunty has them either. It's a big State and most of us don't really think of Miami as a part of it.

More of a third-world/first-world hybrid.

Pam said...

Yowza, is that your own pic or one from the 'net? I believe it though, have some some big*ss flying ones in Galveston once upon a time. The crunch associated with stepping on is NOT pleasant, but much better than turning down the sheets and seeing one!!! I itch just reading your post!!!

Kymical Reactions said...

yeah, there's not enough tequila in mexico...

moi said...

Troll: Yeah, I see that. Sort of like how not all of Louisiana is New Orleans and not all of New Mexico is Santa Fe.

Pam: No, the lil' fohker moved too quickly for me to snap and even if he hadn't, I would have creeped myself out too much. I can hardly stand to think about the things, much less situate them in a photograph.

Kym: Or enough Valium in Connecticut.

Boxer said...

I remember after moving to New Jersey I walked into the bathroom one night, switched on the light and watched the entire floor MOVE. Wall to wall of these little freakers. I poured an entire bottle of bleach out and the next day told (a very young) Mr.Boxer we were moving. (luckily we had a month/month lease.)

Shamy and Troll's comments are cracking me up.

Good Luck!

chickory said...

ha! i say bedazzle the roach, and harness him to a brooch. very meeami.

czar said...

When traveling in the rest of the world, you're a crazy lady of unspecified heritage, and in Me-ah-me, you're a crazy white lady. That says something, but I'm not sure what. There does seem to be one consistent element here, though. :)

Boxer said...

throwing in my vote for 2011 Miami!!!

er, minus the 'roaches.

moi said...

Boxer: I had a similar experience at a friend's B-day party out in her backyard a couple summers ago. Some parts of Albuquerque oddly enough have a terrible problem with roaches.As soon as the sun went down, the grass started moving in all kinds of ways that were just not okay with me. I left soon after the cucarachas started to dance.

Chickory: Why do I get the feeling these bugs don't bother you? I dunno. I respect the insect, I do. But what is the evolutionary purpose of these critters? To wig us out?

Czar: Actually, I get mistaken for Latina more often than not. People around here just start off speaking Spanish to me. But I'm still crazy . . .

Boxer: Not sure if there's any place out here safe from the Bug. Maybe Chickory can bring out the Big Dog to eat them.

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

What a Hoot! But, other than that Mrs. Lincoln. How did you like the play?

Dani said...

I HATE those big ass roaches!! *SHUDDER*

rtfgvb7821 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

moi said...

Karl: Other than Juan Carlos, Miami/Miami Beach is FABULOUS. Made even more so by La Diva's gracious hospitality.

Dani: If you can't eat it, wear it, tame it, or admire its beauty, what good IS it, is what I always say.

SpamABlam: &^%&***^#@#%

Joanna Cake said...

Ugh!!!!

Aunty Belle said...

chuckle....y'all is tearin' me up now.
this is how Uncle handles palmetto bugs (which we doan have on the place because Aunty doan allow NO palm tress--they nest in palm trees-hence PALMetto bugs): Uncle gits a can of cheap hairspray and lights a match. Then he sprays toward the roach, lights the spray and WHOOSH!, Roach ashes.

Summit 2011? I'se for it!

moi said...

Joanna: Yes. Perfectly put.

Aunty: I'm laughing my heels off at the image of you marching your property in Balenciaga and Louboutins, marking palm trees for destruction.

chickory said...

have you run across "the most interesting man in the world"? yet? the one who drinks dos equis? i bet he lives in meeami.

moi said...

Chickory: Joo bet. Heem and all hees relatives. But, they dress like the bomb and smell good, too, but you don't want to take them home with you. What happens in Miami . . . just causes me to shake my head.

Jeanne said...

This is flippin hysterical! Moi, you are seriously in the wrong line of work.Release your inner tourist-ographer fictioneer. Brillant, I say.