Zen Fascists Will Control You

Here it is, already Tuesday and yet I still can't shake a conversation I had with someone this weekend who looked me straight in the eye and said with all sincerity that she believed it was 100 percent okey dokey if the gub'ment fines us all for doing things that go against the "common good." In particular, she said, she thought it was a simply splendid idea that the powers that be in D.C. levy a hefty fine against our asses if we refuse to recycle our household waste.

I didn't put up much of a fight.

Not just because I was stunned, but also because I was operating on three straight days of no sleep and about a bazillion glasses of wine at that point. I don't think I could have found my feet, much less formed a coherent argument against her faulty thinking. And besides, guess who would have come out looking like the fascist? One simply does not argue against clean air and water, regardless of the fact that whether or not I recycle my plastic milk jugs et al has about as much impact on truly clean air and water as my spinning around in circles has on the earth's tilt on its axis. But for the record, if all y'all are wondering if a conservative gives a shit about the environment, well what part of "conserve" do you not understand? Of course I recycle. S.B. makes me.

So anyway. It got me to thinking. This is sure a nifty little credo, this idea that the government knows better than we do what's good for us and what isn't. Because if that's so, then elect Moi to office right now 'cause boy, oh boy, do I have some ideas of my own.

Personally, I would also levy fines against:

1. Anyone who has more than one child. We have 6 billion people on this planet and if you don't believe that our environmental crisis is due in large part to the fact that we're straining ourselves to find enough food/water/shelter/$100,000 a year jobs for each fifty gazillion babies born every second, then I have a plot of land in New Orleans I'd like to sell you.

2. Anyone who has sex. Having sex ups your chances for catching and transmitting an STD, a couple of which are potential death sentences. So if you have sex, you may as well just face the fact that you might kill someone.

3. Anyone who eats fast food. Fast food is loaded with saturated fats, which clog arteries, which leads to heart disease, which leads to increased health care costs.

4. Anyone who doesn't get at least 30 minutes per day of aerobic exercise. See #3 above.

5. Anyone who smokes, drinks, does drugs. No one should have that much fun.

6. Anyone who wears Crocs. Not only are Crocs butt ass ugly, but they're also made of plastic in a manufacturing process that I am as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow must be terribly detrimental to the environment. And did I mention they're butt ass ugly?

Isn't this fun? Now you play. If you were Dictator For a Day, how would you drain the will to live out of your constituency?