As much as I adore fashion, I am by no means unaware of the yawning gulf that exists between the glossy pages of most women's magazines and the way in which really real women actually live out their lives.
But it's not the clothing that makes me angry. After all, even the most outre outfit can be deconstructed down to a manageable level in terms of both wearability and price. That's why God invented consignment shops, eBay, Zappos, and Banana Republic.
I'm also not talking makeup. There hasn't been a culture in existence since the Big Bang that hasn't in some way decorated their faces to heighten or broadcast their sexuality, power, or social status.
And I'm down with that. After all, one of the half dozen things the coming Fascist Regime is going to have to pry from my cold dead hands is my ever present tube of Mac Lip Glass in Fluster Rose.
No. My beef is with the ridiculous amount of shit shoveled in our faces by the segment of the $20 billion a year cosmetics industry specifically geared towards keeping us youthful. It simply amazes me that women living in the 21st century remain stuck in the dark ages when it comes to believing the hype surrounding the ability of facial serums – many of them priced into the stratosphere – to turn back the tide of aging. Without going all Chemistry 101 on y'all, let's just say that there's not much difference between what's packed into a $130 jar of La Mer and a tube of Vaseline Petroleum Jelly.
Then again, I guess it's easier to slather on a potion and cross your fingers than it is to do what it actually takes to remain wrinkle free, which is:
A. Stay out of the sun forever and ever, amen.
B. Don't use your facial muscles. That means, no smiling, frowning, yawning, or making kissy-kissy noises at infants and puppies.
(This Catholic monk, who has never seen the light of day or whistled Dixie, is fifty million years old!)
Oh, and maybe, just maybe, smell. Because, according to a U.S.-based fragrance company by the name of Harvey Prince, all you have to do to appear younger is spritz yourself with a hearty dose of their new perfume, Ageless Fantasy ($120!!!!), which, says the company's prodigious amount of "research" and "clinical trials," will make those of us who wear this frag appear up to ten years younger by the opposite sex!
As if, when it comes to male/female relationships, we're not all already deluded enough.