Wednesday, April 20, 2011

American Idol Snark Station: 21st Century

Three chords in your pocket tonight
Are you, you the one

With the spark to bring my punk rock back?

— Courtney Love

Not that I ever took this show all that seriously, but for some reason, I'm in a cynical mood tonight and barely struggled to get through it. My snark, Party People, it has left me for the tennis instructor next door. Or maybe Adam Levine returned its calls. Regardless, I'm feeling encrusted by ennui. Flattened by fatigue. Dampened by the doldrums. And wondering why rock does, indeed, seem to be dead.

Still, a few observations.

Scotty: "Swingin'"
I'm sure the reason why teenage girls all over America could care less that Scotty looks like a cross between Elvis, George Bush, and Alfred E. Newman is because they don't know who Elvis, George Bush, and Alfred E. Newman ARE. I myself am having a bit of a Tom Cruise moment about him. I know, I know, I'm old enough to be his . . . aunt.

James Durbin: "Uprising"
Can we give this kid some botox or something, keep him from squinting? It makes me nervous. That being said, I like Muse, I like this song, and I think he did a first class job of it, in spite of the ridiculous outfit and anthematic posturing.

Hailey: "Rolling in the Deep"
Why sing a song by a singer so distinctive that you have no choice but to either perfectly mimic that singer's unique phrasing or do something totally different? She ended up sounding pretty much like Adele, but so what? Is she going to build a career as an impressionist?

Jacob: "Dance with My Father"
I would sure hate to say something snarky about something this earnest, so I won't. Okay, I will: zzzzzzzzz. Again. Dude . . .

Casey: "Something By Maroon 5" (I dunno, I don't really like Maroon 5, although I know more than a few gals who keep trying to get Adam Levine to return their phone calls. Snappy dresser, that one.)
Anyway. Casey's performance? Best of the night.

Stefano: "Closer"
I suspect that Stefano is the kind of guy that a good friend of mine and I used to call a "cheese machine." The kind of dude who sidles up next to you in a club, slick-haired, Armani-esque, soaked in Davidoff's Cool Water, to look you straight in the eye and deliver straight-faced a stream of patter culled from a combination of Cosmo ads and a Telemundo soap operas. In other words, he doesn't get the chicks.

Lauren: "Some Country-type Song"
I really don't have anything bad to say about this girl. She's like that friend from school you grew up with who always shared her Barbies and made cute little gift boxes for you on your birthday and never once made a pass at your guy. And then one day busted out of her shell and up and grabbed a huge chunk of the spotlight for herself and there was no way you could hate her for it because she's still just so ding dang nice.


Pam said...

Highly amusing write-up, dear Moi! Here's my snarketting:

Scotty: He should go home because he did not stick to the theme. Just because Leanne Rimes REMADE the song in the 21st Century does NOT mean it is a 21st Century song. Who is the country guy who did this song back in the 80's? Can't remember now, but I know it was early dating days with the hubs. Just a swangin'.... No no no, not good enough Scotty and your raised eyebrow is making me want to hurl tonight. Yes, I know the chicks dig you, but tonight you were digging yourself more. If you don't have the humble, they won't keep voting.

Durbin: I'm too old to know much about Muse. I really liked his version of this song, not that I know what the real version sounds like. Maybe a bit screamy. His twitching is the Tourette's, I'm sure, but yes it is distracting to an extent. I try not to like him but he does what he does well enough. Not my cup of tea, generally speaking, but I liked him tonight.

Hailey: Again, I don't know much about Adele nor do I know this song. So it was all new to me and I thought this was a strong performance by Trampy Hailey. She might be peaking at the right time? I don't know. I still don't like her. And the 1992 crunchy mall hair has got to go. If they classed this girl up some, maybe I'd like her better. Don't know. Don't care. Seeya, Hailey, it might be your night to go home.

Jacob: On second thought, Jacob should go home for this song. Love him, love his voice, but he's done. Judge Randy was spot-on in that he needs to get back to the old Gospel Jacob, but will that win you an AI contest? I think not.

Casey: Best of the night, for sure, and he got my vote. Thank goodness I can vote online because I would never dial a phone to do so. He's my pick to win the whole thing. I have rarely been wrong since the beginning of AI -- and I'm saying right here, right now, the cougar vote is going Casey (somewhere they switched from Paul to Casey, and never had Stefano) ... and I think he will take home the trophy. Hide and watch. My money is on him.

Stefano: Can you be sleazy and boring at the same time? I did not like his little smooth moves. Moi, i love your "cheese machine" line and may have to steal that for future use. He's what we would call a "Smoothie Boy". Same thing, different term. He might have another week in him but I bet he is gone before top three.

Lauren: I didn't know her song either. Didn't care for it much, and I think there is more to her than has shown (or shone) yet. Maybe because she is so young. And they should quit with the spray tan - she looked orange on my screen tonight. If they would play to her youthfulness a bit more, I think it would be advantageous. She could take home the trophy also, we'll see, we'll see. She needs a break-through performance and soon.

So I have four who could go home: Scotty, Jacob, Hailey or Stefano. Top 3 and this is for the finale also: Durbin, Lauren, with Troll Casey to win it all.

P.S. Somewhere, somehow, I have also adopted the phrase "ding-dang".

Jenny said...

So, when one is feeling a bit encrusted by ennui, just make it a Steven Tyler comment post:

"Mad max meeds Storm Troopes on Melrose" and "you'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap."

bwaahahahahahha. I'm sure he paid for those lines, but he got his money's worth.

Then, add in his two bleeps for Casey's song. Who by the way, only have one growel this week along with one very nice 'diggity dig." He did a good job.

Are Hailey and Lauren the same person? No? Dang. I knew it. Anyway, I have nothing to say about them.

Scotty - weird eyes, weird song.

James - do you know notice how much camera time he doesn'g get? That face starts twitching and the camera MOVES. It's the same reason I can't watch Michael J. Fox interviewed on or a show. The twitches get to me (different reason, but same outcome.) Color me shallow. Anyway, I agree. James did a good job, but I think Adam Lambert called and wants his boot and whip back.

What did you think of the opening? Interesting and I knew immediately whey Mr.Suit left last week. How did he get this far?

Great write up,you're the best for giving us a place to snark. xoxox

Jenny said...

growl, not growel.

Anonymous said...


John Anderson did the original "Swanging". He was basically a two-hit wonder with that and "Seminole Wind". Which was about FSU whomping OU.


He walked unhindered through the picket lines today and never thought to wonder why.

Many miles away, something crawls to the surface, of a dark Scottish loch.

(I only caught the last 10 seconds of his song)


Very good. Forgot to vote for him, though.

Didn't see anyone else. Great write-up!

moi said...

Pam: Scotty's ego is getting in the way of his id. I remember the first time I noticed that peculiar orange skin tone that has now infiltrated our youth gone wild: S.B. and I were in Oxford MS, eating lunch at some college hot spot before the game. Our waitress a 20-something co-ed with the kind of glossy magazine cover beauty you want to preserve forever under glass. Except her skin was this frightening color of orange. Ever since then, I've been on a mission to wipe out spray tans. Either risk the cancer or go with the white, people.

Boxer: Tyler stole those lines from Dolly Pardon. The opening made me want to hurl. In fact, I think I did.

Troll: The ONLY song by the Police I will tolerate if it comes on the radio. Mainly because Sting is to me the most insufferable man to ever walk the earth. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. I think Pam is right; Casey could win. P.S. I hate Sting.

chickory said...

Oh that was AI last night? I thought it was the New World Order soma broadcast for mind control. I just sent Al Gore 50K.

chickory said...

@moi: bono is worse than herr Schting.

chickory said...


I do not like or understand LiveJournal. COuldnt find a way to leave fleurdeleo a message about haiku monday. can you reach her?

Pam said...

(Admitting to the guilty pleasure that is Sting and/or Bono) ... at least the 1980's versions, not so much the 90's and certainly NO ONE should EVER be forced to listen to a recent recording by Sting where he incorporated a symphony into his greatest hits. But anything political either do -- I just ignore that stuff like I do most political posturing.

But I digress from AI. Has anyone bothered to search for what it was that Steven Tyler said that got bleeped? I would love to know what he said.

moi said...

Chickory: Oooo, girl, I beg to differ with you by a nose. Because U-2 has written some great songs, whereas anything Sting has ever done is, like, music to drink Chardonnay by and talk about your adeptness at Tantric whatever. I'll have Czar get hold of Fleur.

Pam: No, I'd really like to know too! You know it was naughty, though.