Wednesday, April 13, 2011

American Idol Snark Station: Movie Music Week

Paul: "Old Time Rock and Roll"
Remember when it was safe to have a movie star crush on Tom Cruise? I do, and it was all Risky Business's fault, too. But now that I know Cruise is at least half out of his mind, yew! I totally gross myself out, knowing I ever fanned myself for even one second over his tightie whitey Bob Seger dance. Ergo, I cannot listen to this song. And I really don't want to listen to it being re-sung by someone who is also bronc busting the front end of his own special short bus to Crazy Town. The suit is tres cool, though.

Lauren: "Hanna Montana Movie Song"
Sweet, sweet girl. Big, big voice. Totally, totally boring song. Although, how nifty was that, Will and Jimmy dissing Miley and Pia on national television? Best moment of the evening.

Stefano: "End of the Road"
"What separates the good ones from the great ones is the performance." So sayeth Stefano about his ability to toss pizza. Wait? What? Oh, sorry, he was talking about his singing. Meh. I guess the best thing I can say about this performance is that it didn't make me want to clamp both my hands over his mouth in a desperate attempt to stop him from breathing.

Scotty: "I Cross My Heart"
I would rather have heard "Everybody's Talkin'" However, this kid's going to get lots and lots of chicks, much in the same way I suspect Dwight Yoakam gets chicks.

Casey: "Moulin Rouge Song"
This kid will also eventually get lots and lots of chicks, much in the same way I suspect Lyle Lovett gets chicks.

Haily: "Call Me"
There was a period in my life when, had a genie popped out of a magic lantern in front of me and granted me three wishes, I would have taken only one: Turn me into Debbie Harry. To me, she was the epitome of rock chick cool, Blondie the epitome of rock band cool, and I utterly worshiped them both. I dyed my hair like Debbi, dressed like Debbie, and even for a while adopted her bizarre, hiccupy New Jersey accent as my preferential way of addressing my parents. Therefore. I will accept no imitations. Especially when they suck as badly as this sucks.

Jacob: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"

James: "Heavy Metal"
I hate Sammy Hagar. I hate his stupid curls and sun burnt beer belly and faux danger boy attitude and crap tequila that makes your head feel like it's been caught in a high school shop class vice the next morning. And I can't begin to tell you how many midnight movie runs of Heavy Metal (okay, three) had to sit through when I wasn't in shop class, or any other class for that matter, because of some boy or another I had for some reason set my sights on, or that my best-friend-forever had set her sights on, because these were boys with cars that actually ran and older brothers who could buy us beer. But, I liked this version. Although, Randy, seriously, Durbin is nowhere near Oz Fest material.

So, that's that, Party People. Another of the most uninspiring and over-praised American Idos in the history of the universe. Now, excuse me while I go watch some real television. If you're not watching Justified, too, you're missing one of the best shows on television.


pam said...

Paul: I'm over him. That was the best he had? A suit? It is just like his other suit. I'm over him.

Lauren: She's better than Miley and Pia put together. But the song WAS boring but it suited her age group I guess.

Stefano: I love this song and he didn't do bad with it - in fact, probably the best I've seen him do on the show. Does that mean I'd vote for him? No.

Scotty: I'd have rather heard Everybody's Talking also ... his countrified version even. I never saw this movie, never heard this song. It was very Scotty and his people will love it. But not me.

Casey: OK, so I cast a vote for him on this song. I honestly don't know it either but it is much more style of listening these days. Does that make me a Lyle Lovett kind of gal?

Haily: She isn't Debbie Harry OR Janis Joplin. She's IS a flippy haired trollop with bad lipstick and the ability to growl a song. When it came to singing the melody, she had nothing. She should ahve already been gone but hopefully goes this week.

Jacob: I don't think he wanted to do this song really. Beautiful job, I heart him. But it was another preachy song. ZZZZZZZ

James: Didn't know this song or movie either. Probably one of my more favorite performances from the Durbin though. Give me Durbin over Lambert any day, he is much more the real deal. However, does it make me officially old that I'd rather listen to Jazz Guy than Metal Guy?

Thanks for Snark-festing!

So, that's that, Party People. Another of the most uninspiring and over-praised American Idos in the history of the universe. Now, excuse me w

Anonymous said...

Tragically, Debbie Harry felt compelled to jump from a moving airplane into an open grave in order to spin in it.

I.E. Haley was TERRIBLE.

Conversely, Casey was very very good doing a song I've never heard of that's probably 60 years old.

Scotty was so-so.

Paul was so-so and way over-praised.

Didn't see any of the rest.

Anonymous said...

Blondie was superlative in retrospect.

moi said...

Pam: Bwahahahaha to your assessment of Haily. Yeah, I keep forgetting how young Lauren is and that her radar for songs is going to be way different than mine. I want to squish Jacob, too, and while I'm sure he'll have a singing career, he won't win this competition.

Troll: Blondie is superlative, period.

Pam said...

Grrahhahahha bwahhahhaha re Troll's Debbie Harry airplane comment. Debbie Harry's level of cool trascends anything Hailey tried to do to that song. I don't know who is voting for that girl. Probably a block of 13 year old boys somewhere.

Jenny said...

Oh, jeez, I think I'm over the whole show. I was either cringing or covering my ears and I no longer even listen to the judges. They all have that "we're all winners" crap going on that makes me nutty.

I do like Scotty, but didn't love him last night. I can't believe he's only 17, but he's no "Idol" meaning; he won't be singing canned songs or making teeners buy a tshirt/concert tix/etc.

Haily's song was the one that made me grab the remote and hit mute so fast I tossed a dog off my lap. What's she going to butcher next week, a HEART song?

Uff-dah. Great write up however, but I have a feeling if you're going to continue we better kick in some tequila or new shoes?

moi said...

Pam: If there's one thing worse (or smellier) than a single 13 year old boy, it's a whole block of them.

Boxer: Well, you know me and gifts. However, in this case, a chance to vent my snark is reward in and of itself. (But just in case: 8.5M, Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia Anejo.)

weary rotty said...

paul: ghey cruise ship entertainer. his moves are horrific

lauren: enough makeup to look forty years old under 3 a.m. last call closing lights. and a pulp fiction stage mom to boot. very nice

stefano: peter lorre called. he wants his "my mom took drugs" eyes back.

scotty: only served to remind me that George Straight was (is?) a damn good looking man.

casey: very cool. i say limit the horny tiger growls to two per song. He needs to get off idol now and put together a real band. great song. glad he ignored the know it all producer guy

hayley: borefest cliche

jacob: he has a great voice. however, i never want to hear it. why? was not thrilled seeing how gelatinous his body was in the rehearsals.

james: i liked it.

moi said...

Weary Rotty: It's good to see you, dawg; your sharp snark has been sorely missed. What's the word for words whose sound matches their meaning? Onomatopoeia? Gelatinous is one of those words. Yew.

Anonymous said...

@ Rotty,

Good to see ya. Gelatinous is on my list of good haiku words.

@ Moi,

The Yahoo blog about Idol says that Paul was sent home and Casey and Slutty Hailey are an item.

Don't know if that's against the rules or not.

Lyle Lovett said...

What are you doing next weekend, sweet-cheeks? I've got a pony and a boat!

moi said...

Troll: I actually liked the duet between Casey and H-Slut last night. I did detect a bit o' chemistry, too, and think it's kind of cute.

Lyle: And I've got some hair clippers!

Aunty Belle said...

Hey. NO comment on AI, jes' a flyby hello--I still ain't bloggin' but I is peekin' in at folks today.

moi said...

Aunty: Good to see you out and about . . .

Jenny said...

I really enjoyed the duets last night and no surprise Paul went home. Although he sure was pretty.

Hi Aunty and Rotty!!! Yay!!!

Anonymous said...

IN case ya missed it, red soles shoot-out in court:Louboutin sued YSL

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