Friday, November 12, 2010

Goldfish Logic

Dear Ingrid Newkirk,

Please accept my deepest, most sincere apologies for being a member of the human race, the most exploitative and destructive species this planet has ever seen.

Please accept my apologies for our ancient ancestors, the Africans, the Vikings, the Eskimo, the Plains Indians, whose enslavement of the wildebeest, the reindeer, the seal and the caribou, and the mighty buffalo allowed them to flourish and expand across the earth. For had they not existed, the human race would never have advanced to its current degree.

Please accept my apologies for ever having killed an animal, purchased an animal that was killed, or eaten someone else's killed animal so that I could enjoy my good health. I apologize for ever having worn fur for warmth, leather for comfort, or carried a bag made out of alligator skin because it was just so gosh darn beautiful.

I apologize for ever having stepped on an ant or any other bug while enjoying the great outdoors. For I have come to realize that the great outdoors are not for us humans to enjoy, but should remain pristine so that the deer and the bear and silvery minnow can frolic in harmony. I apologize for ever swatting a fly, for what harm can regurgitated fly guts do to the cleanliness of my kitchen or the freshness of my food?

I apologize, too, for ever growing anything in my garden, for does not the carrot wince when I pluck it from the warmth of its earthen cocoon? Does not the lettuce leaf cry when I tear it away from it's brethren? Does not the tomato scream its pain as I separate it from the umbilical chord of its nurturing vine?

Finally, forgive me for ever feeling elation at hearing the news that science has found yet another cure for disease or advanced human knowledge with the assistance of our animal friends.

I understand, now, the error of my ways. And, as such, I feel I have no recourse but to remove the rotted flesh of myself from this great good earth so that my life no longer exists at the expense of another single mammal, insect, reptile, or . . . amoeba.

So, Ingrid, I'm going to go shoot myself now. I trust that you will show your solidarity and do the same.

You first.



Heff said...

Loved this post.

I'm gonna go eat a steak in my mink coat & leather underwear now.

Pam said...

Moi, I'd love to know your opinion on something -- about PETA having infiltrated the humane society. WE get e-mails and calls on both sides of issues and this keeps getting mentioned. Anything you can share on the subject?

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

She's the one that runs that group: People Eating Tasty Animals, right?

Jenny said...

bwahahahahahahah. As a vegetarian I applaud this post and also hate PETA. I don't need them stuffing their agenda down my throat or assuming I'm "evil" because I pick and choose where and how to consume/use/wear animals.

'Cuz I'm just not going to wear plastic shoes or belts. Well, except for those rocking rain boots I bought during the blog summit. Those are awesome.

moi said...

Heff: Someplace FANCY this time, right :o)

Pam: I've spent quite few years in the animal welfare trenches and have come to discover that there is little to no difference between PETA and the Humane Society. Neither have any interest in promoting humane relationships between people and animals. They want the relationships not to exist at all. Neither operate a single shelter or foster program and each spends the vast majority of its donations on advertising.

Boxer: Vegans never mention just how much it impacts our environment to produce plastic. I think they're all hoping that hemp comes to the rescue.

sparringK9 said...

PETA is full of shite - theres a million reports on their own animals abuses ...which i dont have time to report on today. but i agree with you - just like these doofi who claim that people are killing earth and how there needs to be less of us. Cool. So go ahead and check out homey.

I bought the squirrel necklace!

happy weekend all

moi said...

K9: Oh no you di'ent! And now I'm not going to get that stupid ZZ Top song out of my head.

czar said...

It has just occurred to me that you can't spell "meat" without "eat."

moi said...

Czar: Or cow without ow. Sorry, it's early.

Anonymous said...

Are there any National organizations that aren't screwed up like Peta and Humane Society?

Something more generalized than "Pit Bulls for Punk Rocker Pepper-Eating Fashionistas of New Mexico".

moi said...

Troll: National? Not really. The ASPCA out of NYC has a national presence when it comes to cruelty prevention work and they also maintain a database of animals available throughout the United States. But their rescue work is strictly local. So I encourage people who want to help the homeless dog and cat problem to donate to their local shelters, preferably ones that are private, non-profit organizations run according to the principles established by the Animal Humane Society up in Minnesota.

fishy said...

Great writing Moi.

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Anonymous said...

I really aplaud your courage to post this blog, and to speak your mind about something lasting these era.
You know, I apologized for being part of a shameful narrow-minded race, for doing nothing against bloodbaths only for benefit of selfish desires, to keep silent upon the ones who obscured the term "servants" with the word "friends", for remaining alive without doing something worthwhile.
I bet you'll love to find out what would happen if Newkirk died.
Let see if you get one of those thumbs, Moi.

Anonymous said...

This makes me sad. You have missed the point of the Animal Rights argument. We shouldn't apologize for the role animals played in our advancement as a species, yet we should recognize that at this point we have the ability to meet our needs without further exploitation. Also, no need to feel defensive about your past actions, we have all been brainwashed by the corporate run agri-business into believing that we need to use animals. One of the reasons I adopted a vegan lifestyle was that I was tired of being lied to. You have obviously put a great deal of thought into this and I am guessing that the reason is because something you learned resonated in a way that evoked guilt. No need to feel guilt... just realize that you have the power to change.

LETTY said...