Dear Ingrid Newkirk,
Please accept my deepest, most sincere apologies for being a member of the human race, the most exploitative and destructive species this planet has ever seen.
Please accept my apologies for our ancient ancestors, the Africans, the Vikings, the Eskimo, the Plains Indians, whose enslavement of the wildebeest, the reindeer, the seal and the caribou, and the mighty buffalo allowed them to flourish and expand across the earth. For had they not existed, the human race would never have advanced to its current degree.
Please accept my apologies for ever having killed an animal, purchased an animal that was killed, or eaten someone else's killed animal so that I could enjoy my good health. I apologize for ever having worn fur for warmth, leather for comfort, or carried a bag made out of alligator skin because it was just so gosh darn beautiful.
I apologize for ever having stepped on an ant or any other bug while enjoying the great outdoors. For I have come to realize that the great outdoors are not for us humans to enjoy, but should remain pristine so that the deer and the bear and silvery minnow can frolic in harmony. I apologize for ever swatting a fly, for what harm can regurgitated fly guts do to the cleanliness of my kitchen or the freshness of my food?
I apologize, too, for ever growing anything in my garden, for does not the carrot wince when I pluck it from the warmth of its earthen cocoon? Does not the lettuce leaf cry when I tear it away from it's brethren? Does not the tomato scream its pain as I separate it from the umbilical chord of its nurturing vine?
Finally, forgive me for ever feeling elation at hearing the news that science has found yet another cure for disease or advanced human knowledge with the assistance of our animal friends.
I understand, now, the error of my ways. And, as such, I feel I have no recourse but to remove the rotted flesh of myself from this great good earth so that my life no longer exists at the expense of another single mammal, insect, reptile, or . . . amoeba.
So, Ingrid, I'm going to go shoot myself now. I trust that you will show your solidarity and do the same.
You first.
Sincerely,
Moi
