Saturday, November 20, 2010

All Over, No Crying

Wait . . . what?

Dear Johnny Depp,

I regret to inform you that effective immediately, your position as one of Moi's Long-time Movie Star Crushes has been terminated.

Let's face it; it's been some time coming, now. But the last straw was last week when, during a press junket to push that lame-o-looking new movie you have coming out with Angelina Jolie, you called your co-star a, "walking poem."

Johnny, the answer we were going for here was something along the lines of, "Nice gal." Even "totally hot," "boobalicious," or, "I'd hit that if neither of us were married," would have been perfectly acceptable. Because at least then you would have been thinking with your Hooter's Brain, and we all know that when men think with their Hooter's Brain, they're not really thinking at all. Those ancient genetic imperatives can be a bitch, but they're essentially forgivable 84.67 percent of the time.

"Walking poem," however, is pure Girl Brain thinking. And when a man enters Girl Brain territory, he's thinking more than just nookie. He's thinking the kind of feelings that eventually lead to picking out china patterns and dreaming about where to send the kids to school. If I were your wife, I'd be all, "Good. You can just go eat those poetic words, because this kitchen is closed."

Even if you're not married, dude, Girl Brain thinking is rarely attractive, whether in public or in private. What it usually ends up doing is making you look like a dweeb, the kind of man-child who, at 45, has yet to grok to what most men figure out by the time they hit 30, and that is most women really only want to hear three things coming from a man's mouth:

1. "Yours is the sexiest ass to ever grace a pair of jeans in the history of the universe, ever."

2. "Mmmm . . . honey, that dinner was the best."

3. "Don't worry, I already did the dishes (mopped the floors/cleaned the garage/took out the trash/mowed the lawn/put gas in the car.)"

Plus, Johnny, you are beginning to look an awful lot like like Jack White. A look that only works if, well, you actually are Jack White.



sparringK9 said...

Thank You Jaysus! Welcome aboard, Moi. I knew youd get here eventually.

fishy said...

I look forward to the day when Mermaid joins you. Never have been a fan of the Dip.

moi said...

K9 I can be exceptionally dense at times, but eventually I snap to an ah-hah or two.

Fishy: Yabut now I have to figure out who to replace him with.

Jenny said...

Really? Really? He said that.

I hate it when hot guys grow uteruses.

yah, he was getting kinda old anyway.


Big Shamu said...

Maybe it's the Jolie factor? Maybe she's a Hollywood Chubrakabra that sucks men's souls dry.

Aunty Belle said...

A convert!!Whoo-hoo!!!!

Boxer?!! I split a rib...funniest line yet.

Aunty Belle said...


let's list the Depp replacements. Sigh...can anybody think of one?

moi said...

Boxer: Really. But what I want to know is: what kind of poem? Shakespeare? Donne? Plath? Or a limerick on an airport bathroom stall?

Shamu: No doubt she's a beautiful woman. But I just wish she'd invest in some Chapstick. Yeesh.

Aunty: List away. Although, good luck. Hollyweird is not spewing forth anyone interesting these days.

sally field and dinah shore - forget loni said...

thats why you have to go all the way back to young burt reynolds in neoprene and armed with compound bow. thats what im tawken bout.

Dani said...

I'm still holding out for my man Jakey G.

moi said...

Sally: Because he likes you, he really likes you! Nah, has to be someone present-day. THINK grrrrrrl, think!

Dani: I hate it when they don't return your phone calls.

czar said...

Kind of poem? Brautigan.

"Everything Includes Us"

The thoughts
of her hands
touching his hair
makes me want to vomit

sparringK9 said...

lol czar

Baby Accessories Info said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joanna Cake said...

Gah, it's Jolie that's the problem! Uses those sink plunger lips to suck the soul out of any man who comes near :)

moi said...

Czar: [He] talked a good hello but she talked an even better good-bye.

Cake: For me, she borders at the uncomfortable edge of cartoon and obscene.

Roses said...

I confess I dumped Johnny for Robert Downey Jr. He sures as heck wouldn't come out with anything that vom inducing.

And he's been ageing very nicely.

fishy said...

JCake made me spew tea every where with her sink plunger comments. I also agree with whomever said Jolie looks like a caracature. She does.

On the replacements front:

Josh Hartnett
Irish actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers?

moi said...

Roses: I do believe Ms. Boxer is also a big fan of The Downey.

Fishy: Whatever happened to Josh Hartnett? He is kind of cute. But JRM? And you thought Johnny Depp was fey?

fishy said...

I loved JRM in August Rush, but that is the only thing I have seen him in. I love the child, and the story, in this movie the most.

Josh Hartnett is just plain fab to look at.

sparringK9 said...

theres nobody to like. my friend and i were just lamenting about this very thing. the last time i had my head spun around was in 2005 by a bartender in a place i never go and dumb lucked into. look at me, i still remember him!

cakes right. jolie turned brad pitt into a white rastafarian. menfolk, hear me, that billy goat gruff beard is not where its at.

czar said...

Hell, I remember being entranced by a girl playing vibes at the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art in 1984. Not only was she beautiful, not only was she playing my favorite instrument, but as I was watching her in stunned amazement, she said, "And now I'd like to play a song by my favorite composer, John Coltrane." I should have kidnapped her right then, but she'd have probably grown to hate me in, oh, a few days. . . .

Jenny said...

Mr. Downey is on a very, very short list. K9 is right. Where's our Paul Newman? *sigh*

sparringK9 said...

shouldnt there be a recap of the walking dead in this space. cmon moi get to work

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

I think, I'll just say Hello and be on my way.

moi said...

Fishy: Didn't see him in that. I kind of like him as Henry VIII, but I don't find him appealing in "that" way.

K9: What in the hell was Brad thinking with that thing. Thank God it's gone. Although, I see him going the way of Robert Redford, and fast.

Czar: Nothing like a little kidnapping to nip a romance in the bud.

Boxer: Paul Newman was probably one of the most drop dead gorgeous men to ever walk the earth. Although, I probably would have had to eventually clonk him on his head for his politiks.

Karl: Good morning, Señor! I hope all is well in your watery world.

Anonymous said...

Wise decision. Now it's time to eliminate Kurt Cobain's skank-widow from your pantheon. And Jackie White.

moi said...

Troll: Let me get this straight. You understand Lemmy, but not Jack White?

Anonymous said...

I didn't know Lemmy was part of the Pantheon. I UNDERSTAND Jack White. He's a navel-gazing, whining Obamanation worshipper who got slapped around a lot by middle-schoolers when he was in College.

I just don't care for his music.


moi said...

Throws hands in air and leaves room.