Monday, April 9, 2007

Smoke 'em if You Got 'em

Last night 60 Minutes did a feature on Rick Berman, aka Dr. Evil, a Washington lobbyist and lawyer who is known for battling the organizations and agencies that want to whip us all into a life of complete and utter boredom. No ciggies. No booze. No transfats. No – horrors! – fried oysters. No sugar coated breakfast cereals or oooey, gooey creamy treats in lieu of a balanced meal. No sex, drugs or rock and roll. Never mind that we're all adults and should be left alone to make up our own minds about how to treat our own bodies. Oh noooooooo . . . we must all be saved from ourselves. We must all jog for the master race.

Now, there are things I just don't do. I don't do drugs. I don't drink alcohol as if life is one big fat Spring Break. And although I miss it like a long-gone inappropriate lover, I no longer smoke cigarettes (RIP Camel Lights). I run, bike, swim, hike, and try to eat right. I drink lots of H2O. I exfoiliate my pores. But would I suggest that anyone else follow suit? Hey, you wanna treat your body like a garbage dump, that your own biddness and no one should regulate anything unless your decisions impinge on the rights of others. Ergo, I am in favor of rules and regulations against forcing the citizenry at large to bleed from their very veins in order to patch up our recalcitrant rovers. See how that works? You get to do what you want. But you're responsible for the consequences.


In honor of Mr. Berman's No Guts No Glory approach to life, I hereby declare today 100 Percent PC-Free Day. If you got 'em, smoke 'em. Fry 'em up. Drink 'em down. Flip your automatic seatbelt the bird and speed unfettered and over the limit to the nearest 7-11 and pick up a chubby six pack of Diet Coke and some Ding Dongs. Stuff 'em all down your gullet tonight while watching "'mer'can Idol" and then fling boogers at the screen when Sanjaya comes on.

Live hard. Die free. Just don't make me pay for it.

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