Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I Hate Myself For Wearing You

Three months ago, stooooooopid ass Dish Network went and canceled their contract with Voom Network, which also effectively canceled one of the highlights of Moi's week: Thursday evenings on the sofa with Fresca and Cheetos deconstructing the latest hideousness to ooze its way out of Marc Jacobs' brain. Yes, I hate Marc Jacobs. I find his "designs" to be overrated, condescending, and terribly butt-ass ugly. No, I realize he is not the only designer to commit these sins. He's just the one I love to hate the most.

Take this dress. You know, just know, when this thing came down the runway, the fifty bazillion fashion mavens perched in the front row bobbed their bobble heads at each other in dim-witted Emperor's New Clothes-like fashion and tittered, "Dahlinks, this is genius, pure genius." When, instead, someone should have immediately jumped to their Louboutined feet and screamed, "Dudes, somewhere in Manhattan, a daycare center is missing its DRAPES."

Anyway. Back to Dish Network.

I even wrote a letter to the company's head muck-mucks, and when no response from that was forthcoming, stated my case in a carefully elucidated over-the-phone protest to one of their Pakistani service reps who, despite her limited English, totally understood where I was coming from and tut-tutted along with me in a touching show of allegiance. Sniff. Fashion truly crosses all borders. But, alas, she was unable to offer me any hope of Voom's reinstatement. So, as of this moment, I remain, terribly, tragically, Fashion TV-less. Which means I have to log onto New York Magazine and suffer through the teensy videos. But suffer, I do. And aghast, I am. Marc Jacobs aside, there are two other fall 2008 trends that have the smoke rising from my ears.

Suck Ass Trend #1: Plaid

Can you freakin' believe plaid is still in? Look, I don't care if you dress it up and call it Betsy Johnson OR Oscar de la Renta (who would, of course, never stoop), the ONLY justification for this material's existence is to make kilts for hot Scottish dudes who regularly neglect to don their tightie whities underneath. If all that was left in my closet was a pair of high waisted jeans with tapered legs and a pair of day-glo orange Crocs, you couldn't crowbar me into any of these outfits. Yes. I said it. I would rather be caught out in public in Crocs than hiding out in my living room in plaid.

Bottom line: No. No, no, no, no, no. And, one to grow on: HELL NO.

Suck Ass Trend #2: Jumpsuits

Yes, you heard me. Jumpsuits are in for fall. Jeezus, I thought they went the way of The Runaways, who, regardless of their playful pushing of the jail bait envelope, terrific eye makeup, and totally cool songs, still managed to look NOT SO HOT in the jumpsuit.

And while today's interpretation of the trend are thankfully baggy enough to take care of any potential camel toe issues, they are also heartbreakingly free of even a whiff of Studio 54-like fabulousness or tongue-in-mechanics-chic. Maybe, just maybe, you could justify the jumpsuit if it were all part of an elaborate ploy to get a little something something by appearing to be all helpful when your guy does whatever it is he does when bending over a car engine or tucking himself underneath the bathroom sink and then afterward, you slowly unzip the thing to reveal – ta da! – a sexy bit of Agent Provocateur. Nah. This stuff is too grimly utilitarian, too Soviet-style sexless to inspire any fun of that sort. Instead, it's as if Nikita Khrushchev himself rose from the grave to design the ultimate outfit for standing 12 hours in line at the state-run grocery store under grey skies vomiting industrial disease.

No lingerie here, folks. Just TWO kinds of shoes: black or blacker.


Doris Rose said...

I'm so glad that I have you to walk me through this landmine in a fashion correctness.whew.and I wholeheartedly agree with your observations even though I don't know how some of those people are.As I am sure you are aware, I must disagree about "the wearing of the plaid".alasit's a cultural thing and I have at least three different plans I can choose from -all of which are stunning, but I also save them for special occasions. those occasions usually include to find a single malt scotch and the requisite Haggis.

Doris Rose said...

that should be 3 different "plaids". whoops.

moi said...

DR: You are Scottish, so you get a dispensation for it being a cultural thang.

ThursdayNext said...

Amen on the plaid. I seriously think that trend needed to stay in the 80's. Look, plaid skirts in fall paired with a black turtleneck is one thing, but to have plaid draped all over you is so Scotland circa 1345 and passe!

K9 said...

grrrherhahahaha! day care curtains! i was thinking oil-cloth tablecloths. do they have those out west? its a lovely bit of southern nostalgia kitcsh. (im having trouble typing i am jittery from rage for my 40 minute hold with earthlink who still tries to charge me for my website which they do not host. forkers!!! bastards!!!)

jumpsuits and cameltoes. grrrherhahaha another downside of jumpsuits: when you have to pee. and if you have to pee and are in a hurry! no you must peel this garment off and then figure out how to prevent any part of it from touching a public surface while also preventing your body from touching any public surface. there simply not enough camel feet to accomplish this task.

they look bad. period. jumpsuits conjure the visage of bad Elvii and david lee roth.

plaid is best for goth girls under 20 years old who wear black fishnets that are ripped as well as a stunning array of mutilated body parts. (the most cliche attire of the rebellious)

how about the trend of purple and grey together! terrific! now you can walk down the street masquerading as a bruise.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Fashion Post!!!!!! What is with the plaid this year, Kenley on Project Runway is too happy to pull a bolt of that down before anything else. I've never been a fan. It can make me look like a lumber jack way too fast and in my part of the world..... that's easy enough. And for my height challenged body, jumpsuits do nothing but highlight my lack of legs. Or waist. *sigh*

I'm sorry about your loss of Voom. No chance of watching online? I guess that ruins the fun of lounging on the couch while throwing Cheetos at Marc Jacobs. I get that.

Mandy said...

My god you were inspired. Your words leap off the page.

Now, if only I were wearing a pantsuit, I could leap out of a plane OR into the office. How convenient.

The Big Shamu said...

Plaid is back in??? Sweet nectar of the Dogs. Could it be the final season of the L Word will be awash in plaid? Maybe The Runaways will do a reunion tour in plain JUMPSUITS!!! I bet Joan Jett would do it.
Marc Jacobs does indeed suck ass. Saw his ad for some boy in what looked like a short dress with no pants and shiny shoes. Big assed purse covering the man-equipment. Sorry Marc, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

The Big Shamu said...

Sorry, that should have been "PLAID jumpsuits". (My fingers are all jiggly at the thought of plaid)

moi said...

K9: Where to begin? 1. Earthlink sucks major ass. That I know firsthand. 2. You may as well shoot me now. I have a grey sweater dress I am dying to wear with my new patent purple shoe/booties. I know, I know. But I gotta do it at least once. And I promise, there will no mustard yellow in sight.

AB: Did you see those Glenda Witch of the North sleeves on Kenley's "garment" last night? Man, I nearly lost the entire can . . .

Mandy: Yes, that's about all those jumpsuits are good for. Leaping out of a small plane to a sudden death because one just committed the ultimate fashion sin and there is no redemption, no going back.

Shamu: Joan Jett can wear anything she wants, far as I'm concerned. She rocks. That boy in the Marc Jacobs ad? Sounds like Victoria Beckham, the gal I Most Love to Hate. Although I do have to give her props for her sassy new short 'do.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh Dear God - and she thought it was sooooooo fabulous. What a nutcase. I kinda liked her up until last night, so I don't know if was the editing or if she's really just that full of herself.

K9 said...

open muzzle and insert paw. grrrherhaha

moi said...

AB: I know, huh? I was all, what happened to happy go lucky Betty Boop gal? Totally defensive.

K9: No worries. You should see what Moi's friends say. So always feel free to fire away :o)

The Big Shamu said...

Negative. The one I'm talking about is the one with model Cole Mohr and he's wearing a blue and black woman's coat and no pants. (Notmanlyatall)

Truly ass suckiness.

moi said...

Shamu: Dang, I'm going to have nightmares again. That is truly hideous. Reminds me of those amateur kiddie porn ads Calvin Klein did about a decade back.

K9 said...

i just came from shamus link. grrrrherhahaha. who are they marketing to? i thought the andy warhol boy was equally disturbing. fashion! whatta racket.

The Big Shamu said...

You know K9 that's exactly what I thought too, who the hell are they marketing to or is it just an ad to spark buzz? I have to agree, whatta racket.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Plaid is always in when sitting around the campfire in the mountains.

My great uncle lived in a jumpsuit. He's been dead since the 70's. I think we buried him in it.

Wendy said...

Moi, I am adding you to my favorites! Jumpsuits are perfect for women like me... 5-foot-1, with hips.


MY GRANDFATHER WORE JUMPSUITS. In the '70s. It was an old-man jumpsuit. With aviator sunglasses and a gold chain. At least he knew how to accessorize.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I went to Shamu's link - Hey, he forgot his pants and good taste. Super creepy this early in the morning.

Awkward's comment made me spit out coffee.

EmmaK said...

the shirt dress has never really looked good on anyone IMHO:

hell will be paved in plaid!

do you watch Project Runway? now that is really good fun

moi said...

K9 & Shamu: A racket that's muy ironic, as well. Aimed at women, mostly misogynist.

WTWA: I live in sheer terror of my husband jump-suiting it in his later years.

Wendy: Welcome! I've been peeking at your site, too. One of my best friends is 4'11". It is nearly impossible for her to shop. That's when a tailor becomes a best friend. But jumpsuits even make tall gals look like oompahloompahs.

AB: Want to creep out even more? Check out this from Lee Jeans, an oh-so-charming revival of Klein's kiddie porno ethic. Yuck.

Emma: Glued to the tube when Project Runway's on. Anonymous Boxer's done a whole post on us groupies.

The Big Shamu said...

OK if you love Project Runway then if you don't already follow TLo and love the snark, go here Project Rungay for all your Project Runway goodness. Plus pictures and commentary from Bryant Park.

moi said...

Project Rungay for President!

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'm going to be the "official" Project Runway Blog for the rest of the Season. EmmaK needs to join us!!!

Oh, and Ms.Moi? THANKS SO MUCH for the super creepy link. :-)

K9 said...

what super creepy link?

wasnt there a channel called "style"? i looked on direct tv. no voom there either.

K9 said...

i have a surprise for you at SK9

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Yes, I've been complaining to one of our networks about the dropping of a show and they just don't care.

But who are they broadcasting for if not we, the viewer?

And who is paying for their frickin' channel if not we through our subscriptions?

'I'm MAD as hell and I'm not going to take this any more!' as they chant in that classic film Network.

moi said...

K9: For super creepy link, go up to my second to last response to AB. Lee Jeans ad. Brrrrrrr.

Poet: If I lived in a high rise in the middle of the city, I'd be screaming on the hour, every hour. You are right. I don't pay fifty bazillion dollars a month for this service to have a channel yanked from my clutches like this! You have inspired me to redouble my efforts next week.