Thanks to the diligent work of the Big Shamu, I have in my possession incontrovertible proof of a heinous act of terror perpetuated upon one of our most sacred members of human society. Thankfully, said member possesses quick reflexes and a wealth of resources when dealing with such threats.
Acting alone, but with instructions from the top brass operating out of the dreaded Topeka Terrorist Cell, this deluded kamakazi critter launches an attack from above:
But with her reflexes tuned to eleven,
Martha the Undaunted snags the lil' forker.
Martha the Undaunted snags the lil' forker.
And makes a lovely neck scarf.
Tremble, Lieutenant Maximum Damage, before the fate that awaits you as soon as dawn breaks and I've finished my coffee and found my shoes. You and your kind, you're headed to Bergdorf's. And the Pirate's BBQ.
121 comments:
(I think prison sharpened her instincts)
GO DOGS and HUMANS.
DOWN WITH THE SQUIRRELS.
nevermind shamu. the squirrels are actually quite remarkable creatures. i sent Ivan off to camp for the rest of the summer. so the squirrels can have free access to my feeders and attic. i love these lovely gray characters! fabulous creatures.
be nice to the squirrels whale girl. this is your commander speaking.
get real! those are RED squirrels from the UK. we are gray squirrels. and were not afraid of some shady ass prison hag! and, Mario is hiding legions of us in his stomach rolls. en garde! graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
good to see moi has come to her senses! we will draw up articles of surrender, then.
i am pro-squirrel.
Sadly I have no control over the numerous "cells" that have been released.
Moi, you sound like you're under duress? Is PETA holding you hostage?
i will swallow whole poseurs who harm other animals! jus sayin'.
How dare you post pictures of our fallen comrades! We will win over your paltry army of Bloggers - and What That Was Ackward is still in the bathroom so HA!
Now lets move forces over the BIG SHAMU and also plan a new attack on Martha!
VICTORY! VICTORY!
oh snap! i had planned a shipment of my 2009 collection to you moi, but now, now that i see how cruel you and your Ivan are, well, i cannot offer you my shoes. you americans! so violent!
cest dommage
*tsk*
Ha, we won't even mention those sweet little seal bones stuck in your maw, Real Big Shamu. What, are they the squirrels of the sea?
Martha will pay. Just wait till that byotch finds out what I've been doing in her linens!
As for the rest of you, I await orders from command.
throwin' in with the squirrels! if you cross me, i will demolish your cities. al qaeda WISHES they had my firepower. dont press it.
Sgt Stone - radios have failed. I cannot find the .05 Brigade.
Hold until further orders. Repeat. HOLD all weapons. She has a pool and I think it's been boobytrapped.
Over.
yeah! stone d'angles is a veteran of desert storm and desert halo.
sir, your mission directives are now posted at CentCom.
out.
Shamu, have no fear: that WAS NOT Moi speaking. Click on the name and you will see it was that crafty lil' forker Lt. Maximum Damage. Stealing identities now, are we? Die, forker, die!
Likewise, you cannot fool Moi with your inferences that either Husband #5, Jack White, nor my suppliers at Louboutin, have jump shipped for your teensy beret brigade. They are loyal to Moi always.
Your radios are dead because I tossed them in the pool. I lured an entire squadron with peanut butter and then fed alive them to Ivan. Burp.
what? i am a vegetarian. i only eat seaweed! but i will BUTT you senseless!
chew chew chew
mom! stop it. cant we all just get along?
Thank goodness. The Clampetts captured a whole brigade of the rodents and we're now feeding a homeless shelter. However Lipitor may be in order since the little bastid are high in cholesterol.
Hey your pool is nice. We've decided to move right in!
You cannot destroy us with mere peanut butter (tasty btw) and your pretty little dog seems to have had a change of heart.
HA! I love the smell of victory in the morning.
Not fooling me with any peanut butter traps.
I faced worse in '03 and '04 and I'm still dangling.
ya'll i doan know iffin' this war is a good idea. naw sir, i doan! i think squirrels is a fine creature. i shore do. yee haw. doan hurt no squirrels now.
you have ONE squirrel family? pulease, laughable really.I have within my immediate purview hundreds -if not thousands of armed Spermophilus richardsonii ready at my command...
I don't think you want to mess with the REAL Aunty.
I think you just made a fatal mistake.
What is this? A bunch of furry nut collectors in revolt?
Squirrels is nothing but pigeons without wings!
Bring it on Nutballs!
Strength, liberty, MOI!
i think i will have the most persuasive voice in this blob. and i am saying. straight up, that messing with squirrels is a very very very very bad idea.
chew chew chew
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Bomb us and our peanut butter supply but you also bomb the squirrels and in the end only the cockroaches win.
Good News and Bad News at the Troll Report! One of the last bastions of media not controlled by the rodent cabal!
Maximum/Stone - it appears DORIS ROSE is with us and this IAMNOT is NOT. I have a Google Satellite trained on his house... looks like many photographs to chew/chew/chew through.
Meet back at HQ, STAT. Bring the peanut butter and somebody grabbed that Atomic Bomb on the way.
Phew, Troll, Iamnot thank God you showed up. I will leave command in your capable hands whilst I take a short trip next door to Texas. I have received word that the squirrels are launching their attacks from a base deep inside a dumpster outside a Chuck E Cheese in San Antonio. It is my plan to infiltrate, bomb, skin, and filet. If all goes well, I will be back this afternoon with supper. Fight well.
I'm google'n for a squirrel stew recipe right now.
Hmmmm...not much here. How about we use the one for opossum and just substitute squirrel? Should be about the same.
disregard my last transmission. ive turned squirrel. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. all of them. and let them sleep in my living room. and play xbox 360
Damn little imposters are sprining up almost as fast as I can stomp them.
Who put a quarter in this wack-a-mole machine?
i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. vi love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them.
HA! Our infiltration techniques are working!
I knew all those years in a gilly suit would pay off!
Death to humans! Death to dogs!
Squirrels of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the occasional peanut handout!
i french kiss squirrels every chance i get. and chauffeur them about in my vintage convertable mercedes.
BTW Mr. Squirrel. You're looking kinda cute in that French hat thingie...how do you feel about "don't ask, don't tell?"
ive got to drive south to atlanta. i WILL be back. because, er, nobody eats up valuable time like a fighting squirrel!
Helloooooo Sgt. Stone and your, er "stones" - I was wondering when you'd figure out my hat was merely a way of saying "bonjour".
ATTENTION ALL FIGHTING SQUIRRELS:
We have won the first Battle! Watch this IAMNOT and I've got someone following MOI to Texas.
If anyone needs me, I'll be with er, Sgt. Stone in some very important "meetings".
Over and Out.
Some of dem squoils been trained in Japan. Iffin ya sees one with a ginsu then you'd best be runnin.
even squirrels can speak french! obama was right! people are a bunch of lame ass english only dummies. graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
parlez vous francais?
and i can spell louboutin. i practiced.
These furry tailed rats are like weeds. They come back as fast as you get rid of them. Hang in there Moi, the good news is they have brains the size of a shrivled pea. Throw a bag of nuts in the yard and they will scurry out of hiding. And then commence extermination!!
wow that was awkwards attic is in full dismantle now. dummy!
dont go against an army of squirrels!
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we all peed in the pool. hahahahahahahahahahaha
I hope he shat on her perfect do too! Well done Mr Kamikaze Squirrel for almost bringing down one of the most tedious people on earth apart from Oprah!
She's a scary woman!
Wonder what she does to humans.
yooo hoo!!! Squirrelly-poos!
I have some almond extract over here on a piece of bread for you!!
just click right here, and your snack awaits!
It's got to suck when you are so addicted to peanut butter to allow yourself to wander into a steel trap.
Goofy Nutbusters.
You will PAY Pirate! We have dedicated our lives to avenging our comrade and no almond extract or bread will convince us to stray.
As for YOU Shamu.......
Chitter chitter, spit and fuss. Been there, seen that.
Squirrel Shish-ka-Bob anyone?
It has come to my attention that I'm losing some bidness here with dese renegade squirrels... they have not cut their Jersey Cousins in on the action.
This you do not want to do... any of youse! I always get my share of whatever spoils you get from dis war.
Hey Fed!
Obama was s'posed to give you East coast boys your cut.
Damn Chicago politicians!
You can run, but you can't hide, birdbait. Turns out, squirrels are just rats with good PR.
...and apparently, access to the internets.
Note to self: need to work on that "no squirrels allowed" sign.
Pirate! Blasphemy! You mock us today but you'll be crying like a baby after we conquer all Haters. Join us before you have no choice!
We've got the house surrounded. It looks empty..... except for Ivan.
We're going in.
Squirrels on crack cocaine. That would explain all the chittering. (Note to self, must find their 12 Step Cocaine Program meeting place!)
ive found love. oh yes. now that ive seen what stones d'angles can offer. and now, i just want to stay home, work on prettying up the nest with shiny sparkly things and have my litter of little grays....yes, my new husbands DNA is much stronger than my own.
please disregard my 2 previous comments. ive come around!
Comrades, I am back from San Antonio where I managed to roust an entire battalion of lazy ass squirrel foot soldiers sleeping on the job. Their pelts are being shipped to Bergdorfs as I write.
Pirate, Shamu, Iamnot, Troll, WTWA and all other supporters, rejoice. Lt. Maximum Damage is STUCK in traffic in Da ATL and won't be able to issue directives for at least another couple hours.
We will not be cowed. EmmaK and Poet, you gals know I wuvs ya, but you best step off this fight that you cannot, simply cannot, win. Smooches.
Most excellent, The Wicked Tribe will be out on foot patrol tonight. Will report in later.
wrong MOI. i just heard Lt. Maximum Damage on my husbands radio! he is back and has an army of godzillas with him. ATL traffic? hahahahahaha have you SEEN what Godzillas do to buses and cars?
unfortunately the little shamu wont be joining you on patrol tonight. she has to study so she can pass the "how to make rice krispies treats" exam.
Being a vegetarian I cannot condone the catching and eating of any animal.
And, given I have a big urban squirrel who is sitting outside of my office as I type..... I choose to remain "neutral."
plus, I'm a big pussy and I think he's been "alereted."
Be careful going out for the mail, Moi!
uh um....um uh uh....lemme put it this way...uh um....um
i had NO IDEA that the federated union of squirrels gave my campaign 5 million dollars under the name of "wallys joint rolling machines, INC"
thats NOT the squirrel i knew..........
WHAT in All that is HOley's Name is going on in here?
Right. You. Furface. Meet my leetle friend meester owlie
yes.
Owl, meet dinner.
Dinner, start running.
Da Owl is on my payroll. They don't do nuttin until I give da word.
And I say, if you want something done around here,
You're gonna have to pay for it!
apparently the scantilly clad pirate (hawt! white lady!) isnt aware of the secret gubmint owl program. they dont hunt squirrel anymore. they spy on innocent americans who dial up al qaeda by accident.
um uh um uh mu hm haadfasldfkj'aspefow['qefkqw
wheres the teleprompter?
fucken A the mob is messin with W's owl patriot act spy program!
i dont know that squirrel!
michelle -roll us a fat one. its gonna be a long night
Albino Squirrel! Make contact! The heathen has returned. Repeat. Moi has returned.
Get out of the house. It is not secure.
MOI, Ms. President,
Relax--rabid rodents self destruct--like lab rats on crack,these rodos is hittin' the combox button like it were street candy.
When they arrived on the front porch I fed 'em pizen, yep, doctored peanuts.. so expect squirrel muffs fer all the eskimos in Alaska.
GO IVAN!
THE AKSHUL AUNTY
oh..I see Big Shamu already realized it's crack-haid rodos on the loose...
Congrats Moi, I declares you and Ivan the victors!!!
Traitor Aunty with your bag of tasty porkrinds - I'd be careful about declaring a winner in this war. Rememember a certain prez on a battleship.......
Ummmm...Pork Rinds....
Ah, Switzerland, I mean, AB, finally you peep out from behind your desk. Never you mind, friend. This is not your fight.
Akshul Aunty: Phew, glad you showed up! We need your brand of reason around here. And your Derringer. Oh, and more pork rinds, too.
And I, as the Heathen, plan to bring out muy tequila and go on a drunken stomp, stomp, stomp rampage. And smack O'Pocalypse upside the head while I'm at it. Who gave you permission to flirt with the Pirate? Shoo, you, return to your spliff-rolling wifey why don't cha?
You know who we haven't heard from?
AL GORE.
HEY!!
Ya'll come an see how Aunty solved the rodent invasion in her sector--heh!!
Sgt Stone!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DO NOT EAT THE PORK RINDS.
Aunty has poisoned them.
Oh dear God.
Al Gore wanted to come by, but he asked to borrow my balls and I wouldn't let him.
They're a bit oversized for that Nancy-boy anyway.
Never worry Mr. Squirrel. I sniffed out the treachery before taking the first nibble.
Can't trust that cracker's crackers.
Nah nah nah..nah nah -h, nah nah,nah nahhhh, GOOD BYE!
Ya's done fer, rodos--Special Operations secured mah sector. Whoo yeah!
Sgt Stone - report to HQ! You need to be debriefed.
wink, wink.
on my dying breath....i ...i have to warn.........bad ...............rinds.............florida plantation.............mayday!..........i.........i...........dont...............eat................the.......po
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*crickets*
Seems Aunty cracker got one of our finest.
He will be avenged!
In the mean time, I'm on my way Mr. Squirrel... debriefing is one of my favorite activities.
Calling all soldiers, new addition to the war.
http://warofthenuts.blogspot.com/
they looked so good and tasty... what's wrong with them?
uh-oh - don't feel so good.
things getting blurry...........
Grandpa is that you? Grandma too?....... the light is so bright and pretty..... soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Jeebus, people, did you not hear me the first time?!
DO...NOT...FUCK...WITH...THE...
SQUIRRELS.
There was a *reason* for that warning. And don't even make me bring up the historical Battle of the Mogollon. It's not pretty. Nor is it an accident that the Mogollon are a disappeared people. Oh, no. Ooooooooh, no.
And . . . he died.
THE END.
Luckily, Big Eddie got whacked and I had to leave for some bidness in Jersey.
I see most of the others are gone.
I'll be contacting you again Miss Moi to discuss "payment"
Those squirrels were pussies. Everyone knows you never eat Pork Rinds from a Southerner.
how many separate squirrels are there?
Read it all here at:
http://squirrelpower2008.blogspot.com/
Bastards! You left me with two dozen orphans.
If you like, I can take care of them.
Wow. Write about some deep emotional subject, or politics, or religion, the economy, or being breast fed too long and you would likely get 10-20 comments.
Write about killing some worthless irritating rodents and you are up to 93 comments.
*crickets*
Dude, not only 93 comments but two new whole blogs and numerous cross blog entries.
Sometimes laughter is needed.
wow! what a day you've had moi!
its like being infested with REAL squirrels! pesky, resourceful and tenacious. i mean if a couple of people decided to see if they could generate 100 comments in a day on a buddy's blog, they could not have done better than these squirrels!
with all the websites that cropped up its like a big ol collaborative art project!
im sure these trust fund babies with all day to play will return to their REAL jobs tomorrow.
and look...very close to "100" i see....
Trust Fund BABIES??? Just because I can multi-task? Peshawwww.
regrouping in the jungles of bolivia.
Why yes, K9, I'm sure these Bloggers with clearly not enough business or too much money had all day to sit around and think of crap to load up on BLOGGER.
And you're right.... if a couple of people got a little over enthusiastic.... well, I guess no body was REALLY hurt. Were they?
Getting closer......
I simply wanted to be comment #100.
HA HA!!
Dude. 100 comments? You're like a super blog rock star.
Oh, and... LONG LIVE SQUIRRELS!!!!
I had fun playing both sides.
chew chew chew
WTWA: I was thinking the same thing. My Second Amendment posts? You can hear a pin drop in the Pacific Ocean which is 2,000 miles away from Moi.
K9: Not a word from you, missy! Oh yeah, uh, now who would be the "collaborative art project" instigator here, hmmmmm?
Wicked: Being first and being one hundreth is a major goal in life, I know.
Meghan: I will forgive you for that because you just gave birth.
Iamnot: I can always count on you in a crisis, though.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'm just going to OUT the squirrelly squirrel behind this project.
K9, the Rottie with the Devastating Nanny Killing Stare, is to blame. But did we have fun? Oh yes, we did. Do I still hate squirrels? Oh yes, I do.
And do I love all you Party People for gamly playing along? Yes, I do. Mucho, mucho.
Now, this trust fund baby needs to go back to work.
Later, Skaters.
oh no. i had BIG time help. from places you might never suspect...............
neutral countries come to mind...
grrrrrherherhahaha
Anonymous Boxer . . . I KNEW she was behind this somehow! All quiet up there in the great Northwest with her donuts and plastic :o)
I think it's cute how you think this is over.
It's never over with the squirrels.
*Never.*
But you git on back to your payin' work, now; just make sure you look over your shoulder from time to time...FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
no, its not over. not over by a LONG shot!
ahahahahah - it was an email to K9 that said "Let's bomb Moi's Blog" and the answer was "I've already started". bwahahahahah. Twisted minds connected by one vision. Now I have to delete a Mob Blog before some "boys" start thinking it's a real Union and start shaking me down. And can I say? Shamu? BRILIIANT. And Iamnot..... who need the dude could play both sides. Pirate and Wicked were major good sports and anyone who received threatening Squirrel comments.
We all need a little cheap alternative entertainment now and then. Remember a mind's a terrible thing to waste, unless it's a squirrels.
Big Shamu
Still Fighting the Good Fight
We're watching you Moi.........
yes indeed. praise all around for all who played along -iamnot, trolly, aunty. wicked thistle, dread pirate rackham, wow that was awkward, doris rose, poet laura.....and BIG time to shamu! who made an excellent site and some of the funniest comments!
well done people (and squirrels and squirellettes)
Thanks K-9. Everyone should get a heart felt well done. I learned a lot. Mostly what I learned is there is a scary amount of photos of squirrels out there and an even scarier amount of photos of squirrels in clothes. I'm not sure squirrels in drag is a healthy indicator of our societal well being.
Oh. My. God. I just didn't realize how many of you actually dug your paws so far into this thing. Shamu's War of the Nuts blob? BRILLIANT!
Iamnot was Sgt. Stone? I had no idea!
Most excellent job, Party People. A big smmmmmooooooch to each and every one of you.
But I STILL hate squirrels :o)
actually........the squirrels won. your comment #88 shows the squirrels finally wore you down. just like in real life. better to offer tributes of peanut butter sandwiches and call it a draw. grrrherhahaha
Hey.....look.....a chicken. C'mere little chickie chickie. I got a nice warm pot I'd like you to meet....
I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late. I was delayed in Iowa, but I ran as fast as I could and I'm read......
Oh crap. Where is everyone?.
Uh-oh. There's only a chicken.
and a dog.
I actually hate to give up this little guy. I've grown attached.
Stay strong Sgt. Stone - there is always a sequel..... and we could use someone with your "stones" working here in Jersey.
Pssst . . . be gone you lil' fuckers before I lose my desire for detente!
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