Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Today is a Good Day to Die

If you are a squirrel.

Thanks to the diligent work of the Big Shamu, I have in my possession incontrovertible proof of a heinous act of terror perpetuated upon one of our most sacred members of human society. Thankfully, said member possesses quick reflexes and a wealth of resources when dealing with such threats.

Acting alone, but with instructions from the top brass operating out of the dreaded Topeka Terrorist Cell, this deluded kamakazi critter launches an attack from above:


But with her reflexes tuned to eleven,
Martha the Undaunted snags the lil' forker.



And makes a lovely neck scarf.



Tremble, Lieutenant Maximum Damage, before the fate that awaits you as soon as dawn breaks and I've finished my coffee and found my shoes. You and your kind, you're headed to Bergdorf's. And the Pirate's BBQ.

121 comments:

The Big Shamu said...

(I think prison sharpened her instincts)
GO DOGS and HUMANS.
DOWN WITH THE SQUIRRELS.

moi said...

nevermind shamu. the squirrels are actually quite remarkable creatures. i sent Ivan off to camp for the rest of the summer. so the squirrels can have free access to my feeders and attic. i love these lovely gray characters! fabulous creatures.

be nice to the squirrels whale girl. this is your commander speaking.

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

get real! those are RED squirrels from the UK. we are gray squirrels. and were not afraid of some shady ass prison hag! and, Mario is hiding legions of us in his stomach rolls. en garde! graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

colonel kilgore squirrel said...

good to see moi has come to her senses! we will draw up articles of surrender, then.

jack white said...

i am pro-squirrel.

The Big Shamu said...

Sadly I have no control over the numerous "cells" that have been released.
Moi, you sound like you're under duress? Is PETA holding you hostage?

the REAl big shamu said...

i will swallow whole poseurs who harm other animals! jus sayin'.

Mr. Squirrel said...

How dare you post pictures of our fallen comrades! We will win over your paltry army of Bloggers - and What That Was Ackward is still in the bathroom so HA!

Now lets move forces over the BIG SHAMU and also plan a new attack on Martha!

VICTORY! VICTORY!

christian louboutin said...

oh snap! i had planned a shipment of my 2009 collection to you moi, but now, now that i see how cruel you and your Ivan are, well, i cannot offer you my shoes. you americans! so violent!

cest dommage

*tsk*

The Big Shamu said...

Ha, we won't even mention those sweet little seal bones stuck in your maw, Real Big Shamu. What, are they the squirrels of the sea?

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Martha will pay. Just wait till that byotch finds out what I've been doing in her linens!

As for the rest of you, I await orders from command.

godzilla said...

throwin' in with the squirrels! if you cross me, i will demolish your cities. al qaeda WISHES they had my firepower. dont press it.

Mr. Squirrel said...

Sgt Stone - radios have failed. I cannot find the .05 Brigade.

Hold until further orders. Repeat. HOLD all weapons. She has a pool and I think it's been boobytrapped.

Over.

FurrChe foot soldier said...

yeah! stone d'angles is a veteran of desert storm and desert halo.

sir, your mission directives are now posted at CentCom.

out.

moi said...

Shamu, have no fear: that WAS NOT Moi speaking. Click on the name and you will see it was that crafty lil' forker Lt. Maximum Damage. Stealing identities now, are we? Die, forker, die!

Likewise, you cannot fool Moi with your inferences that either Husband #5, Jack White, nor my suppliers at Louboutin, have jump shipped for your teensy beret brigade. They are loyal to Moi always.

Your radios are dead because I tossed them in the pool. I lured an entire squadron with peanut butter and then fed alive them to Ivan. Burp.

shamus big brother said...

what? i am a vegetarian. i only eat seaweed! but i will BUTT you senseless!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

chew chew chew

ivan the meek squirrel lover said...

mom! stop it. cant we all just get along?

The Big Shamu said...

Thank goodness. The Clampetts captured a whole brigade of the rodents and we're now feeding a homeless shelter. However Lipitor may be in order since the little bastid are high in cholesterol.

Mr. Squirrel said...

Hey your pool is nice. We've decided to move right in!

You cannot destroy us with mere peanut butter (tasty btw) and your pretty little dog seems to have had a change of heart.

HA! I love the smell of victory in the morning.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Not fooling me with any peanut butter traps.
I faced worse in '03 and '04 and I'm still dangling.

aunty belle said...

ya'll i doan know iffin' this war is a good idea. naw sir, i doan! i think squirrels is a fine creature. i shore do. yee haw. doan hurt no squirrels now.

Doris Rose said...

you have ONE squirrel family? pulease, laughable really.I have within my immediate purview hundreds -if not thousands of armed Spermophilus richardsonii ready at my command...

The Big Shamu said...

I don't think you want to mess with the REAL Aunty.
I think you just made a fatal mistake.

iamnot said...

What is this? A bunch of furry nut collectors in revolt?
Squirrels is nothing but pigeons without wings!

Bring it on Nutballs!

Strength, liberty, MOI!

atomic bomb said...

i think i will have the most persuasive voice in this blob. and i am saying. straight up, that messing with squirrels is a very very very very bad idea.



chew chew chew
chew chew chew
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chew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewvchew chew chewchew chew chewvchew chew chew



chew chew chewchew chew chewvvvvchew chew chewchew chew chewvvchew chew chewchew chew chew

Anonymous Boxer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Big Shamu said...

Bomb us and our peanut butter supply but you also bomb the squirrels and in the end only the cockroaches win.

The Troll said...

Good News and Bad News at the Troll Report! One of the last bastions of media not controlled by the rodent cabal!

Mr. Squirrel said...

Maximum/Stone - it appears DORIS ROSE is with us and this IAMNOT is NOT. I have a Google Satellite trained on his house... looks like many photographs to chew/chew/chew through.

Meet back at HQ, STAT. Bring the peanut butter and somebody grabbed that Atomic Bomb on the way.

moi said...

Phew, Troll, Iamnot thank God you showed up. I will leave command in your capable hands whilst I take a short trip next door to Texas. I have received word that the squirrels are launching their attacks from a base deep inside a dumpster outside a Chuck E Cheese in San Antonio. It is my plan to infiltrate, bomb, skin, and filet. If all goes well, I will be back this afternoon with supper. Fight well.

iamnot said...

I'm google'n for a squirrel stew recipe right now.

Hmmmm...not much here. How about we use the one for opossum and just substitute squirrel? Should be about the same.

iamnot said...

disregard my last transmission. ive turned squirrel. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. all of them. and let them sleep in my living room. and play xbox 360

iamnot said...

Damn little imposters are sprining up almost as fast as I can stomp them.

Who put a quarter in this wack-a-mole machine?

iamnot said...

i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. i love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them. vi love squirrels. i love squirrels so much i want to marry them.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

HA! Our infiltration techniques are working!
I knew all those years in a gilly suit would pay off!

Death to humans! Death to dogs!
Squirrels of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the occasional peanut handout!

the troll said...

i french kiss squirrels every chance i get. and chauffeur them about in my vintage convertable mercedes.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

BTW Mr. Squirrel. You're looking kinda cute in that French hat thingie...how do you feel about "don't ask, don't tell?"

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

ive got to drive south to atlanta. i WILL be back. because, er, nobody eats up valuable time like a fighting squirrel!

Mr. Squirrel said...

Helloooooo Sgt. Stone and your, er "stones" - I was wondering when you'd figure out my hat was merely a way of saying "bonjour".

Mr. Squirrel said...

ATTENTION ALL FIGHTING SQUIRRELS:

We have won the first Battle! Watch this IAMNOT and I've got someone following MOI to Texas.

If anyone needs me, I'll be with er, Sgt. Stone in some very important "meetings".

Over and Out.

NYD said...

Some of dem squoils been trained in Japan. Iffin ya sees one with a ginsu then you'd best be runnin.

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

even squirrels can speak french! obama was right! people are a bunch of lame ass english only dummies. graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

parlez vous francais?

and i can spell louboutin. i practiced.

Wow, that was awkward said...

These furry tailed rats are like weeds. They come back as fast as you get rid of them. Hang in there Moi, the good news is they have brains the size of a shrivled pea. Throw a bag of nuts in the yard and they will scurry out of hiding. And then commence extermination!!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

wow that was awkwards attic is in full dismantle now. dummy!
dont go against an army of squirrels!

chew chew chew
chew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewvvvchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chewchew chew chew




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squirrel from your yard said...

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incontinent squirrel brigade said...

we all peed in the pool. hahahahahahahahahahaha

EmmaK said...

I hope he shat on her perfect do too! Well done Mr Kamikaze Squirrel for almost bringing down one of the most tedious people on earth apart from Oprah!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

She's a scary woman!

Wonder what she does to humans.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

yooo hoo!!! Squirrelly-poos!

I have some almond extract over here on a piece of bread for you!!

just click right here, and your snack awaits!

The Big Shamu said...

It's got to suck when you are so addicted to peanut butter to allow yourself to wander into a steel trap.
Goofy Nutbusters.

Mr. Squirrel said...

You will PAY Pirate! We have dedicated our lives to avenging our comrade and no almond extract or bread will convince us to stray.

As for YOU Shamu.......

The Big Shamu said...

Chitter chitter, spit and fuss. Been there, seen that.
Squirrel Shish-ka-Bob anyone?

Federated Union of Squirrels said...

It has come to my attention that I'm losing some bidness here with dese renegade squirrels... they have not cut their Jersey Cousins in on the action.

This you do not want to do... any of youse! I always get my share of whatever spoils you get from dis war.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Hey Fed!
Obama was s'posed to give you East coast boys your cut.
Damn Chicago politicians!

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

You can run, but you can't hide, birdbait. Turns out, squirrels are just rats with good PR.

...and apparently, access to the internets.

Note to self: need to work on that "no squirrels allowed" sign.

Mr. Squirrel said...

Pirate! Blasphemy! You mock us today but you'll be crying like a baby after we conquer all Haters. Join us before you have no choice!

Albino Squirrel said...

We've got the house surrounded. It looks empty..... except for Ivan.

We're going in.

The Big Shamu said...

Squirrels on crack cocaine. That would explain all the chittering. (Note to self, must find their 12 Step Cocaine Program meeting place!)

the dread pirate rackham said...

ive found love. oh yes. now that ive seen what stones d'angles can offer. and now, i just want to stay home, work on prettying up the nest with shiny sparkly things and have my litter of little grays....yes, my new husbands DNA is much stronger than my own.

please disregard my 2 previous comments. ive come around!

moi said...

Comrades, I am back from San Antonio where I managed to roust an entire battalion of lazy ass squirrel foot soldiers sleeping on the job. Their pelts are being shipped to Bergdorfs as I write.

Pirate, Shamu, Iamnot, Troll, WTWA and all other supporters, rejoice. Lt. Maximum Damage is STUCK in traffic in Da ATL and won't be able to issue directives for at least another couple hours.

We will not be cowed. EmmaK and Poet, you gals know I wuvs ya, but you best step off this fight that you cannot, simply cannot, win. Smooches.

The Big Shamu said...

Most excellent, The Wicked Tribe will be out on foot patrol tonight. Will report in later.

the dread pirate rackham said...

wrong MOI. i just heard Lt. Maximum Damage on my husbands radio! he is back and has an army of godzillas with him. ATL traffic? hahahahahaha have you SEEN what Godzillas do to buses and cars?

the real shamu said...

unfortunately the little shamu wont be joining you on patrol tonight. she has to study so she can pass the "how to make rice krispies treats" exam.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Being a vegetarian I cannot condone the catching and eating of any animal.

And, given I have a big urban squirrel who is sitting outside of my office as I type..... I choose to remain "neutral."

plus, I'm a big pussy and I think he's been "alereted."

Be careful going out for the mail, Moi!

0-pocalypse now said...

uh um....um uh uh....lemme put it this way...uh um....um

i had NO IDEA that the federated union of squirrels gave my campaign 5 million dollars under the name of "wallys joint rolling machines, INC"

thats NOT the squirrel i knew..........

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

WHAT in All that is HOley's Name is going on in here?

Right. You. Furface. Meet my leetle friend meester owlie

yes.

Owl, meet dinner.

Dinner, start running.

Federated Union of Squirrels said...

Da Owl is on my payroll. They don't do nuttin until I give da word.

And I say, if you want something done around here,

You're gonna have to pay for it!

0-pocalypse now said...

apparently the scantilly clad pirate (hawt! white lady!) isnt aware of the secret gubmint owl program. they dont hunt squirrel anymore. they spy on innocent americans who dial up al qaeda by accident.


um uh um uh mu hm haadfasldfkj'aspefow['qefkqw
wheres the teleprompter?

0-pocalypse now said...

fucken A the mob is messin with W's owl patriot act spy program!

i dont know that squirrel!

michelle -roll us a fat one. its gonna be a long night

Mr. Squirrel said...

Albino Squirrel! Make contact! The heathen has returned. Repeat. Moi has returned.

Get out of the house. It is not secure.

Aunty Belle said...

MOI, Ms. President,


Relax--rabid rodents self destruct--like lab rats on crack,these rodos is hittin' the combox button like it were street candy.

When they arrived on the front porch I fed 'em pizen, yep, doctored peanuts.. so expect squirrel muffs fer all the eskimos in Alaska.

GO IVAN!

THE AKSHUL AUNTY

Aunty Belle said...

oh..I see Big Shamu already realized it's crack-haid rodos on the loose...
Congrats Moi, I declares you and Ivan the victors!!!

Mr. Squirrel said...

Traitor Aunty with your bag of tasty porkrinds - I'd be careful about declaring a winner in this war. Rememember a certain prez on a battleship.......

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Ummmm...Pork Rinds....

moi said...

Ah, Switzerland, I mean, AB, finally you peep out from behind your desk. Never you mind, friend. This is not your fight.

Akshul Aunty: Phew, glad you showed up! We need your brand of reason around here. And your Derringer. Oh, and more pork rinds, too.

And I, as the Heathen, plan to bring out muy tequila and go on a drunken stomp, stomp, stomp rampage. And smack O'Pocalypse upside the head while I'm at it. Who gave you permission to flirt with the Pirate? Shoo, you, return to your spliff-rolling wifey why don't cha?

You know who we haven't heard from?

AL GORE.

Aunty Belle said...

HEY!!

Ya'll come an see how Aunty solved the rodent invasion in her sector--heh!!

Mr. Squirrel said...

Sgt Stone!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DO NOT EAT THE PORK RINDS.

Aunty has poisoned them.

Oh dear God.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Al Gore wanted to come by, but he asked to borrow my balls and I wouldn't let him.

They're a bit oversized for that Nancy-boy anyway.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Never worry Mr. Squirrel. I sniffed out the treachery before taking the first nibble.

Can't trust that cracker's crackers.

Aunty Belle said...

Nah nah nah..nah nah -h, nah nah,nah nahhhh, GOOD BYE!

Ya's done fer, rodos--Special Operations secured mah sector. Whoo yeah!

Mr. Squirrel said...

Sgt Stone - report to HQ! You need to be debriefed.

wink, wink.

betrayed and poisoned said...

on my dying breath....i ...i have to warn.........bad ...............rinds.............florida plantation.............mayday!..........i.........i...........dont...............eat................the.......po


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh















*crickets*

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

Seems Aunty cracker got one of our finest.
He will be avenged!

In the mean time, I'm on my way Mr. Squirrel... debriefing is one of my favorite activities.

The Big Shamu said...

Calling all soldiers, new addition to the war.
http://warofthenuts.blogspot.com/

Albino Squirrel said...

they looked so good and tasty... what's wrong with them?

uh-oh - don't feel so good.

things getting blurry...........

Grandpa is that you? Grandma too?....... the light is so bright and pretty..... soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Wicked Thistle said...

Jeebus, people, did you not hear me the first time?!

DO...NOT...FUCK...WITH...THE...
SQUIRRELS.

There was a *reason* for that warning. And don't even make me bring up the historical Battle of the Mogollon. It's not pretty. Nor is it an accident that the Mogollon are a disappeared people. Oh, no. Ooooooooh, no.

moi said...

And . . . he died.

THE END.

Federated Union of Squirrels said...

Luckily, Big Eddie got whacked and I had to leave for some bidness in Jersey.

I see most of the others are gone.

I'll be contacting you again Miss Moi to discuss "payment"

Those squirrels were pussies. Everyone knows you never eat Pork Rinds from a Southerner.

Anonymous said...

how many separate squirrels are there?

Widow of Squirrel said...

Read it all here at:

http://squirrelpower2008.blogspot.com/

Bastards! You left me with two dozen orphans.

The Big Shamu said...

If you like, I can take care of them.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Wow. Write about some deep emotional subject, or politics, or religion, the economy, or being breast fed too long and you would likely get 10-20 comments.

Write about killing some worthless irritating rodents and you are up to 93 comments.

betrayed and poisoned said...

*crickets*

The Big Shamu said...

Dude, not only 93 comments but two new whole blogs and numerous cross blog entries.
Sometimes laughter is needed.

K9 said...

wow! what a day you've had moi!

its like being infested with REAL squirrels! pesky, resourceful and tenacious. i mean if a couple of people decided to see if they could generate 100 comments in a day on a buddy's blog, they could not have done better than these squirrels!

with all the websites that cropped up its like a big ol collaborative art project!

im sure these trust fund babies with all day to play will return to their REAL jobs tomorrow.

and look...very close to "100" i see....

The Big Shamu said...

Trust Fund BABIES??? Just because I can multi-task? Peshawwww.

pvt. furrche foot soldier said...

regrouping in the jungles of bolivia.

Anonymous Boxer said...

Why yes, K9, I'm sure these Bloggers with clearly not enough business or too much money had all day to sit around and think of crap to load up on BLOGGER.

And you're right.... if a couple of people got a little over enthusiastic.... well, I guess no body was REALLY hurt. Were they?

Getting closer......

Wicked Thistle said...

I simply wanted to be comment #100.

HA HA!!

Meghan said...

Dude. 100 comments? You're like a super blog rock star.

Oh, and... LONG LIVE SQUIRRELS!!!!

iamnot said...

I had fun playing both sides.

Anonymous said...

chew chew chew

moi said...

WTWA: I was thinking the same thing. My Second Amendment posts? You can hear a pin drop in the Pacific Ocean which is 2,000 miles away from Moi.

K9: Not a word from you, missy! Oh yeah, uh, now who would be the "collaborative art project" instigator here, hmmmmm?

Wicked: Being first and being one hundreth is a major goal in life, I know.

Meghan: I will forgive you for that because you just gave birth.

Iamnot: I can always count on you in a crisis, though.

moi said...

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'm just going to OUT the squirrelly squirrel behind this project.

K9, the Rottie with the Devastating Nanny Killing Stare, is to blame. But did we have fun? Oh yes, we did. Do I still hate squirrels? Oh yes, I do.

And do I love all you Party People for gamly playing along? Yes, I do. Mucho, mucho.

Now, this trust fund baby needs to go back to work.

Later, Skaters.

K9 said...

oh no. i had BIG time help. from places you might never suspect...............

neutral countries come to mind...

grrrrrherherhahaha

moi said...

Anonymous Boxer . . . I KNEW she was behind this somehow! All quiet up there in the great Northwest with her donuts and plastic :o)

Wicked Thistle said...

I think it's cute how you think this is over.

It's never over with the squirrels.

*Never.*

But you git on back to your payin' work, now; just make sure you look over your shoulder from time to time...FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

ghost of 10 thousand squirrels said...

no, its not over. not over by a LONG shot!

Anonymous Boxer said...

ahahahahah - it was an email to K9 that said "Let's bomb Moi's Blog" and the answer was "I've already started". bwahahahahah. Twisted minds connected by one vision. Now I have to delete a Mob Blog before some "boys" start thinking it's a real Union and start shaking me down. And can I say? Shamu? BRILIIANT. And Iamnot..... who need the dude could play both sides. Pirate and Wicked were major good sports and anyone who received threatening Squirrel comments.

The Big Shamu said...

We all need a little cheap alternative entertainment now and then. Remember a mind's a terrible thing to waste, unless it's a squirrels.
Big Shamu
Still Fighting the Good Fight

Those Blinking Eyes in the Dark said...

We're watching you Moi.........

K9 said...

yes indeed. praise all around for all who played along -iamnot, trolly, aunty. wicked thistle, dread pirate rackham, wow that was awkward, doris rose, poet laura.....and BIG time to shamu! who made an excellent site and some of the funniest comments!

well done people (and squirrels and squirellettes)

The Big Shamu said...

Thanks K-9. Everyone should get a heart felt well done. I learned a lot. Mostly what I learned is there is a scary amount of photos of squirrels out there and an even scarier amount of photos of squirrels in clothes. I'm not sure squirrels in drag is a healthy indicator of our societal well being.

moi said...

Oh. My. God. I just didn't realize how many of you actually dug your paws so far into this thing. Shamu's War of the Nuts blob? BRILLIANT!

Iamnot was Sgt. Stone? I had no idea!

Most excellent job, Party People. A big smmmmmooooooch to each and every one of you.

But I STILL hate squirrels :o)

meandoveycooledge said...

actually........the squirrels won. your comment #88 shows the squirrels finally wore you down. just like in real life. better to offer tributes of peanut butter sandwiches and call it a draw. grrrherhahaha

The Big Shamu said...

Hey.....look.....a chicken. C'mere little chickie chickie. I got a nice warm pot I'd like you to meet....

Private Nut Chucker said...

I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late. I was delayed in Iowa, but I ran as fast as I could and I'm read......

Oh crap. Where is everyone?.

Uh-oh. There's only a chicken.

and a dog.

Sgt. Stone D'Angles said...

I actually hate to give up this little guy. I've grown attached.

Federated Union of Squirrels said...

Stay strong Sgt. Stone - there is always a sequel..... and we could use someone with your "stones" working here in Jersey.

moi said...

Pssst . . . be gone you lil' fuckers before I lose my desire for detente!