Friday, July 18, 2008

To the Victor Goes the Slimy Spoils


See this famblee of squirrels?

After we finished the pool two summers ago, they moved themselves in to a tony little spot under our decking. Mom, dad, a passel o' chillruns. Dad's in insurance and travels. Mom drinks and wanders the pool deck in inappropriately sized bikinis. The children are lil' punks to the core.

Of course, Snow White's Freakin' Wilderness Camp has not been the same since.

The squirrels, they completely took over the neighborhood. They knock over the bird baths. They steal my fifty million dollar a pound sunflower chips directly from the feeder. They chase the bluebirds. They titter and chitter from the tree tops, making me think I'm hearing voices. And they drive Ivan nuts.

Ivan, he'll chase or tree anything that moves: cats, squirrels, chipmunks, horny toads, rabbits, crows. Once, at our old house, he treed a bobcat. So intent was he on killing that thing, S.B. and I had to drag him off the hilltop back to the house and lock him inside for eight full hours so he could get his mind off the kitty. Fuggedaboutit. Later that day when we finally let him out, he bee-lined himself for that tree and sat sentry for another hour, whining the whole time for the bobcat.

I've written before about Ivan' love of killing all manner of creatures. All that's changed since is that he's a little bit slower.




Still, if he's patient enough and works the program, he can still get his man:



VICTORY!

57 comments:

Doris Rose said...

Interestingly, I spent a great deal of time researching Ground squirrles the other day.My concern was not because of the threat caused by my sissified-dainty-dogs, but because of the unbelievable number of burrows on my property. It is a hazard to walk 20 ft without falling in a hole and we know how DR Hates falling in holes.

Wicked Thistle said...

The squirrels will get you for this. Not Ivan. *You.*

Perhaps you don't you know about the Squirrel-Mafia connection? Goes back decades. Personally, I wouldn't fuck with a squirrel. Because they fuck *back.*

Wow, that was awkward said...

I keep thinking Caddyshack and the gopher.

If somebody doesn't stop the squirrels soon, they will be running the entire world.

You may as well make a sport of it. Spray paint little numbers on them and let Ivan have at it. Take bets in the hood on who is the last squirrel standing. Winner gets the cash, a bag of nuts, and a large assortment of furry ear muffs.

NYD said...

My Kat used to bring back all kinds of critters. It never bothered me all that much but I just hated cleaning up the slaughtered carcasses that she left in the living room.

Anonymous Boxer said...

My office is on a VERY busy street in an urban/industrial part of town and there is a squirrel who lives in the trees/rooftops. He's one tough/bad ass boy and I toss him peanuts when he stops by. I swear he also flips me off.

I think he's put the word out on YOU for the untimely death of one of "their people" and I gotta agree with Wicked Thistle.... they fuck back. There goes your pool, friend.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me said...

OMG. This is so wrong but so funny.

I once went to the back door to let my labrador in, who was there standing with a possum in his mouth.

*Screams*

Anonymous Boxer said...

must add that once Paco spent WAY too much time in the backyard for a Chihuahua in the Winter and I discoverd why the next morning.... REALLY dead squirrel by the back door. I think he must have been outside wearing that thing like a cape.

then I remembered the nice licks he gave me.

**screams**

moi said...

Doris Rose: See, not only do squirrels terrorize from above, they even manage to do so from underground!

Wicked: Hey, I wasn't the one who caught and chomped the lil' forker. Talk to Moi's hand and take it up with Mother Nature, why don't cha?

WTWA: See there, now? At least one of Moi's Blob Homies is on the right team. Not sure 'about the furry ear muffs, but I gotcha on the rest of it.

NYD: Nothing like a kitty kat to remind us humans what ineffectual hunters we've become. I fling all our carcasses in our neighbor's yard. And not just because I hate the man, but because it feeds the carion eating aviators. Circle of life and all that.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me: And, you know, while you're busy screaming, your poor Lab is all, "WHAT? I brought dinner, didn't I?"

AB: I think he must have been outside wearing that thing like a cape. And that, my friend, wins The Funniest Blob Comment of the Day Award. I can just SEE it.

Mr. Squirrel said...

you gonna pay! you gonna pay!

Aunty Belle said...

Go IVAN GO!

Looky, never fergit that squirrels is RODENTS!

(doan any smarty pants send me no recipe fer squirrel perloo/ pilau)

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I hope that squirrel was 'natural wasteage' as in fell-out-of-a-tree rather than dog-bait.

What's the difference between squirrels and bob cats?

Squirrel postings of mine at addresses below - aka my one-woman campaign against anti-Americanism re squirrels!

http://thepoetlaura-eate.blogspot.com/2007/07/ethnic-cleansing-of-grey-squirrel.html

http://thepoetlaura-eate.blogspot.com/2007/10/check-out-my-slide-show.html

ThursdayNext said...

Go Ivan! I loathe squirrels, especially NYC ones that are the size of cats...eeep!

The Troll said...

Squirrels ain't too bright. My Akita (NOT speedy) could catch them. I'm sure Ivan was frustrated that the bobcat climbed a tree, but he might not have enjoyed the alternative response.

czar said...

we had a cat once that used to leave us bats for presents. i wish i could have seen that circle of life in action. beats tv.

K9 said...

magnificent ivan!

LOL to anonymous boxers and wicked thistles comments

my dads dog got mange from rolling around with his squirrel kill. for that reason i always give the squirrels a heads up shout so they have at least a head start ...its funny when the back door opens its like a cartoon with squirrels bolting in every direction

moi said...

Mr Squirrel: I will not, however, mellow out.

Aunty: Tasty, with a nice Chianti.

Poet: Dang, your links didn't come through completely. But I have a feeling you made a brilliant case.

Thursday: Everything's bigger in The Big Apple!

Troll: I know. I told him that the kitty might win. He didn't care.

Czar: Those darn cats. Always showing up the humans.

K9: Bummer on the mange. Don't know what's worse. That, or the worms all three of the pups would contract during their bunny raids in the summer.

patton the squirrel said...

arm yourself, madam. and prepare for a visitation of the furry kind. i take no prisoners. but you can be sure that i will soon liberate your seed hoppers to feed my nation. let ALL of you be advised.

Mr. Squirrel said...

revolution! I bow down to my leader, Patton the Squirrel.

We are SO on.

moi said...

Patton & Mr. Squirrel: Y'all know that I'm, like, the poster girl for the Second Amendment, right? So if it's a war you want, bring it.

Mr. Squirrel said...

I have sharp pointy teeth!

furry foot soldier said...

we're guerrillas, okay? we're lean. nimble. hard to shoot. sure youve got weapons but while you sleep we cut your electrical and chew your insulation up

paco the tiny dictator said...

and i am throwing in with the squirrels!

Mr. Squirrel said...

you are all welcome! Even the chickens.

moi said...

I will seduce you with cookies and then you will be MINE!

If the cookies don't work, well, welcome to my leetle friends, Smith & Wesson

The Big Shamu said...

Oh the Wicked Tribe is so joining the War of the Nuts. You stinkin' squirrels are going DOWN!! Besides how can anyone take you guys seriously when we invent those swirly bird feeders and watch your furry butts go flying?
Bear (Dark Death That Lurks in Shadows), Sarah (Master of the Snatch and Gobble) and Jake (Sharp Eyed Tree Watcher) await your response as they lay beside their squirrel tail trophy pole.
Big Shamu (Tree Shaker, Squirrel Rain Giver)

moi said...

Shamu: So, I can count on you to wield a weapon on Moi's side? We'll be outnumbered, I think, but the cause is just and good. And there will be cookies.

The Big Shamu said...

Count me and the three tree watching, dirt digging hounds in.
Cookies? (Shhhh, don't tell the squirrels our weakness!)
The Wicked Tribe reporting for DUTY!

Anonymous Boxer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I bet the squirrel population is out of control over there -- we had a good winter and we're having a good summer.

Squirrels and chipmunks, I have minimal romantic feelings about.

moi said...

Y'all are in REAL trouble now. The Pirate has shown up.

Mr. Squirrel said...

I'm not scared of a Pirate! Or that Shamu either. We are uniting, growing bigger by the hour.....

we will be avenged!

lt. maximum damage; us squirrel force 107th airborne "death from above" said...

can i interest you ladies in some of my home baked dark chocolate and pecan cookies?

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

warm oatmeal cookie with light glaze of tart and sweet lemon

pvt. fur che guava squirrel said...

chew chew chew

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Sgt Cleaver ,51st Knifeblock Brigade said...

I heard y'all needed some help over here with some varmints. It's CHOMPING TIME!!

Mr. Squirrel said...

reporting for duty Maximum Damage. Is this the locale? Looks good.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP. Those cookies better have nuts.

I'm off to get that Pirate!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

christian leboutins for alla youse. just under that oak......

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

Good to see you MR Squirrel!! your black five special forces skills will come in quite handy. and may i be the first to say - nice prosthetic teeth! wow - you can really rip materials apart!!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

my God this poor woman has no idea what is going down. bwwwwwhahahaahhaaha!

then where will IVAN be? stop the food supply - stop the dog!

The Big Shamu said...

Time to call in the big guns. I hear RAYRAY, Rachel Ray is teaming up with Martha Stewart and doing a full season of Backyard Cookin' featuring All Squirrel, All Season. The entire process from trapping, skinning, gutting to the various cooking methods. You may not be scared of our dogs but you will tremble in fear of our Domestic Divas. Martha alone can Evil Eye a squirrel right out of a tree and RayRay's laugh can stun the friskiest of tree rodent.
You have been WARNED!

moi said...

We. Are Not. Scared. We will not. Surrender. We. Will Be Moving This War to a NEW POST IN THE A.M.! You have the evening to prepare . . . and make peace with your maker.

But, uhm, may I just take this detente-ish moment to comment: nice beret. For a terrorist! Bwahahahahaha!

moi said...

Yeah, and: What Shamu said.

Mr. Squirrel said...

Thanks Maximum, can I call you "Max"? I've got the Albinos beginning to gather.... soon we will arrive to the place where our fallen comrade will be vindicated!

To Ivan's Commander... thanks! Now you die!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

you must think we're dumb. sure our brains are small, but speaking relatively, for the size of your brains? ya'll aint brain surgeons.

we figure we get to your dogs? you ladies will crumble. and grovel. and beg our forgiveness. to save your widdle puppies.

graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

rachel ray? thats all you got whale girl? grrraaaaaaaa!
shes terrifying i agree...but only to human men and competent female chefs

The Big Shamu said...

Obviously Monsieur Squirrel, you have never met Ms. Ray in person. RayRay and Martha together? Pots and pots of squirrel stew. I hear Martha even has a Polish recipe for squirrel.

As for hard times and Scarlet's radishes, I hear the trailer parks are already squirrel free. You keep gathering your forces and don't forget, if we could wipe out the carrier pigeon, we can wipe out you.

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

dear whale girl

everybody knows the squirrel recipe aint jack until it appears in "O" mag. for Oprah is the Kingpin of them all. 22 two marthas and one ray ray dont add up to one gail sized okra winfrey.

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

by the way, im no terrorist. im a freedom fighter. YALL are the terrorists. imperial prigs. that land you call your home? it was OUR land first. we didnt make no sales as i recall. yall are occupying forces. oppressors. insurgents!

The Big Shamu said...

Comrade Moi, I have secret photos to send you but no address. Most important. What should I do?

moi said...

You forget, in addition to the Shamu on Moi's side, I have the Great Big Book of Cajun Cooking. We will slice. We will dice. We will flambe with cognac and serve over jasmine rice!

Shamu: Moi's missive was sent to you minutes ago.

moi said...

P.S. Occupying forces, Moi's ass. We won out, fairly and squarely, given our status as two-legged, superior landscaping skilled beings!

lt. maximum damage; USSquirrel Force; 107th airborne "death from above" said...

yeah and weve got VOODOO on our side. tell the cajuns about that. hah!

jasmine rice is for dainty ladies. yall aint bad.

moi said...

Dusk is settling. The day blinks to a close. Enjoy your nuts, you nuts. For tomorrow, MST, you die!

Mr. Squirrel said...

you see those blinking eyes in the dark, our Dear Moi?

Yeah, we're gathering... quietly moving in and the Dawn will bring a new day to you and your "friends."

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

All I can say is there are recipes for barbequed squirrel I have yet to try. Or fry. You may be small but I know how to turn on the grill. Try that without your opposable thumbs, furry nut eaters!