Tuesday, December 4, 2007

All I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,
I know you’re taking up a lot of the slack for God this time of year, so before I add my own voice to the mix, may I just start by saying what a fine job I think you’re doing? Really. The Big Guy Upstairs should just go ahead and hire you on full time for the entire year. You know, kinda like a Heavenly Secretary of State, albeit without the Prada heels.


If you take a moment to look back through my history for the year and ignore that one teensy, eensy moment I had with the jerk off, er, impolite elderly gentleman, in front of me in line at Sam’s Club, you’ll see that my nice outweighed my naughty by what can only be considered a major improvement over last year.

With that in mind, I herewith present you with Moi's Christmas 2007 Wish List:

1. You know how you can innocently start off a Saturday night with a few slices of pizza, a couple beers, and a piece of chocolate raspberry blackout cake and then wake up on Monday morning, a mere two days afterward, and suddenly find five extra pounds attached to your happy ass? But then it takes a papal dispensation plus about five bazillion months of eating cardboard-flavored rice cakes to divest your ass of that extra weight? Well, I’d like that whole process reversed, por favor.

2. I want you to make Brad Pitt’s Christmas wishes come true. Not that I have any special fondness for Brad, mind you, and, no, my dislike has nothing to do with being on Team Anybody. I mean, I've been to Springfield, Missouri. All it takes is about 30 minutes inside one of their Steak ‘n’ Shakes to understand why Mr. Pitt let loose of that golden-glowed, Malibu-surfer-chick-meets-Dolce-and-Gabbana wife of his in favor of a woman whose personality is like one of those pousse-café drinks from Pat O’Brien’s in New Orleans: all kinds of multi-colored layers of C-R-A-Z-Y. The man was genetically predisposed to start slummin' at some point.

Nope, with his $500-an-hour personal trainer abs and the $10,000 a month he spends on bottles of what is basically tarted-up petroleum jelly to pamper his delicate facial skin, Mr. Pitt does a fine job all by his lonesome of making Moi go, meh. What I do like about him, however, is the very real passion he has for New Orleans, thoughtful urban development, and innovative architecture.

With those passions in mind, Mr. Pitt is pledging $5 million dollars of his own money and enlisting the assistance of innovative urban planners and architects from across the globe to raise enough money to build 150 new homes in New Orleans's Ninth Ward. All at the cost of about $150,000 each, a pittance by today's $2-bazillion-per-square foot Taco Bell Mansion standards. Still, it doesn't take a math wizard capable of carrying his zeros to know that's nonetheless some mighty mucho dinero right there, Party People.

As S.B. says, let's just forget for one moment Pitt's annoying ass celebrity. The man is doing what we Americans do best: instead of whining and crying and beating our breasts for our gub’ment to do something, we’re saying, fuck the gub’ment. We can do this ourselves. We can open our hearts and our pocket books, roll up our sleeves, and get down to the business of building something.

And sweet jeebus, just look at these homes. They’re so gorgemous, I want to buy one!

So, please, Santa, work some magic so these people who lost everything dear to them can once again know the solace and safety of Home.

3. And before you starting worrying, you can go ahead and slip Moi some of these while you're at it:

Yours in peace, joy, love, and (Christ)ian Louboutins,


h said...

As a Troll, I couldn't help being amused by the fact that one of Bradboy's "partners" is the GRAFT Company.

New Orleans City and Orleans Parish Government remain the most corrupt in America.

The "rebuilding of New Orleans" and Pitt's small part in it will either:

1) Fail miserably.

2) Be partially successful but at a cost nearly double what it would be absent corruption.

Give to Charities focusing on the good people of South Mississippi where your donations won't wind up buying Cadillacs and Crack for local officials.

moi said...

Hey, no one hears louder than I where you're coming from. But here's where I'll differ:

Since all governments are corrupt (I mean, you can't "sort of" be a prostitute) and no charity spotless, you may as well jump in and do what your vision is anyway. Hopefully, there will be a little more oversight here, if nothing else because it's so visual.

Jenny said...

"tarted-up petroleum jelly"

That's funny.

I watched Mr.Pitt on the Today yesterday and all I can say is... Ann Curry has somehow become his best buddy and I'm jealous. Oh, and he's actually trying to do something for the people of this country, so I applaud him.

At least he's not falling down drunk outside of Koi with Britney Spears. You know?

And.... regarding the "menu" for the Blog Party... if you send me "it" I will post. Go nut!

~MAGILL~ said...

I am moved by Mr. Pitt, doing SOMETHING about our planet and its resources AND helping people in a way that sets the bar a little higher - would be happy to donate my labor to the project

Cuz $$$$ I don't have

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

he's pretty. the shoes are pretty. really, do we *have* to look deeper than that?

my brain cells are dying as we speak...

Anonymous said...

If I had a choice between spending the rest of my life with Jennifer Anniston or a Steak and Shake within a mile of my house, I'd pick the Meat-and-Malt every time.

Now, Keira Knightley (sp?) is a different story.

moi said...

AB: Menu forthcoming. Any special requests, get 'em in, or I'll go nuts in my own weird – but sweet – way.

Magill: Hey, I'm down with that – a bunch a ernest guys with tool belts running around New Orleans. Doesn't sound half bad to Moi.

Pirate: Yeah, and here's another thing. Imagine: those shoes ON Brad Pitt. Huh, huh? I mean, not quite Eddie Izzard, but hey, Moi's cells are fried as well. As is, apparently, her taste.

czar: Okaaaaay . . . First Led Zeppelin, now you tell Moi you gotta thing for Kiera Knightley, the walking underbite? Huh.

Anonymous said...

For the record, for your readers: Keira, sí; LedZep, no.

Meghan said...

I had a really clever, thoughtful comment to add... and then I read this response:

Pirate: Yeah, and here's another thing. Imagine: those shoes ON Brad Pitt. Huh, huh? I mean, not quite Eddie Izzard, but hey...

And my brain got hung. Must restart my machine now.

Doris Rose said...

I agree Brad Pitt is cute, the shoes...not so much.
That someone is doing something for the people of N.O.- YAY! I could care less who or why, Go Brad.

moi said...

Czar: I can forgive you for not liking Led Zeppelin. I'm NOT so sure I'm going to get over Keira the Freakin' Rabbit Queen Knightley.

Meghan: Oh gosh. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't, you know, negatively influence the baby :o)

Doris: Brad held Moi's attention for about 2.67 seconds circa Legends of the Fall but then, like I said, meh. I'm fickle like that.

sparringK9 said...

nice! what burned my ass was the post katrina call in. thats right -celebs manning phones so mr and mrs joe blow america can call in their 10 20 50 dollars. how easy it would have been to simply write a check, save the ad-min dough and as you said by-pass the largely ineffectual gubmints...and they dont come any worse that NO as artfulsub said, and i know its true, my entire family is from there or baton rouge and they tell the tale.
but celebs mostly do this shit so they can be seen doin it. grrrrrrowlf! and if theres one thing i hate it is hearing about how rotten the USA is. spoken as only a truly blessed people can. as our ATL famous son lewis grizzard said:

"delta is ready when you are"

moi said...

She: My spousal unit's family and friends are all from South Louisiana/Baton Rouge, too – believe me, I know of what you and Artfulsub speak. New Orleans puts the What the Hell You Say? in "corrupt" like nobody's business. But you can't eat the elephant without taking the first bite. And then another . . .

Most celebs get involved in charitable endeavors because A. They're trying to appease guilt for their privileged position or B. They're looking for PR. In this case, I get the feeling Mr. Pitt is genuine in his concern and efforts. Trying to do something new, think outside the box.

Building stuff is what we're about. And that's why you'll never hear Moi talking smack about anything in this country except those who hijack its ideals.

Aunty Belle said...

Ho! Chokin' wif' giggles...

but hey, wait! Darlin' youse s'posed to be willin' to suffer martyrdom fer that chocolate raspberry blackout cake! If ya git a papal dispensation, then the martyrdom is off.

I LOVE them shoes--yep. Uncle done bought me a similar pair some years ago in Paris--uh huh, thar' I stood while the older French Fry propositioned Uncle RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME--ain't kiddin' either. Invited him to go huntin' at her place. Think of that eve'r time I look at them shoes--made of shades of grey lizzard wif a peep toe..sweet!

Ya know what puddin'...weirdness factor is gettin' to me...I mean, is we cuzins? Moi and She and Aunty? Cause, Sweet Potato, mah own Grand-Mere lived on Kleinert Ave in Baton Rouge.

As fer N'awlins, yeah, let the people put it back--skip the weasles.

moi said...

Aunty: Grey lizard with a peep toe. Be still my heart. And, yes, it behooves us all to watch out for those Parisian women. Merciless.

Actually, I'm Rocky Mountain born and bred but must have been southern in another life, I swear.

Wicked Thistle said...

I can't tell you how many times I've checked the comments section of this post to see what I've written, and I'm surprised every time to see that it's...nothing.

So me, I'm with the scarecrow: all I want for Christmas is a brain.

And soon I will leave comments for you that are actually about your blog.