Thursday, May 17, 2007

Lambs to the Slaughter

Well, it's now official. Prince Harry is not going to war in Iraq. Too many kidnapping and death threats and all that.

Harry has been quoted as saying that while he's disappointed, he realizes that it's not just his life that's on the line. Dozens of other members of his unit will most likely get caught in the crossfire of whatever yipee skippy jihadist is tasked with the oh-so-glorious duty of blowing Harry's smooth-as-a-baby's bottom into teensy little bits. As Harry goes so too go dozens of cheese makers' sons from Derbyshire. Millers' daughters from Yorkshire. Butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers from God-only-knows-where-else-shire.

I for one am greatly relieved. And not just about the cheese makers, et al. After all, the last thing we can afford to lose is yet another member of the British royalty. And not just because it will most likely spawn yet another limp-wristed Elton John tribute because the Queen mum is too daft to accept something much more ska-punk pithy from, say, Lily Allen ("There's no one in the world who could replace you.")


They start falling like flies, these royals, what happens to the various and sundry industries that depend on their extraordinarily impetuous consumption? Like hat designer Misa Harada? After all, British royalty virtually invented the Occasion Hat fashion genre (who else BUT a royal would wear this?)

and without Harry's trail of girlfriends all flocking to her studio, Misa will be forced to rely instead on the good graces of Jessica Simpson.

Then there's Giorgio Armani. Sure, he's also a fave of many high faluten' 'merican movie stars, but we all know that Katie Holmes is going to last maybe five point six more seconds with that whopper of a whack job husband, a fact which will no doubt send her running for the hills, not to mention the discount racks at Barney's like the rest of her B-List Hollywood brethren.

So, once again, the Brits save the day. Not only for the future of the royal family but also for the overblown fashionistas who will follow them there.


Meghan said...

Really... thank GOD. I know my heart couldn't take losing another royal.

Also, that hat is so fab. I want seven. One in each color of the rainbow.

Anonymous said...

The only Royal I dug was Princess Diana, damn she *rocked*.