Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Out of the Mouths of Babes Part I

In some of my posts and comments on this blob, I may have given off the impression a time or two that I don't really like chillruns very much. This is not entirely true. Yes, I made the conscious decision at a very early age not to have any, but that really had more to do with G.I. Joe than anything else.

It went down like this: When we were children, my brother continuously, relentlessly, insisted that my Malibu Barbie quit jet-setting all over the world in fabulous outfits my great aunt sewed for her and mailed all the way from NYC and instead settle down and marry his GI Joe.

"The hell you say," was Moi's reply. (Or something similar to that sentiment in ten-year-old-speak). "Why would Barbie want to do that?"

"Well," my brother said, eyeing my doll in that pervy way that starts to manifest itself with boys at, oh, the age of birth, "That means they could have sex."

I considered that for a moment. G.I. Joe was kind of cute. And he had him some awesome abs. Then again, there was the matter of that weird thatch of felt on top of his head. So, uh, no.

"Barbie already has boyfriends," I explained. "One in every city. That way, she doesn't get bored with any of them."

My brother tried again. "He'd buy her things."

I shook my head. So what? Barbie was an international flight attendant for PanAm. She had continual access not only to quite a sufficient paycheck, but also to the riches of Duty Free. What else?

"Wellllllll, she could settle down and have a bunch of babies and keep Joe's house and make his dinner."

My stomach did a little flip flop. "You mean she wouldn't have to work?"

My brother nodded enthusiastically.

"Forget it." And I then I sent Barbie to Paris.

To be continued . . .


Doris Rose said...

oooh, well that explains quite a lot.I was not privy to Ken, Barbie and GI Joe. My education was severly impaired. But I had the same notion about rearing them at an early age.

upset waitress said...

kids are bad for the environment. How many haircuts did you give your Barbies? I got the Coca-Cola Picnic Barbie still in her original box. Reading this post makes me want to give her a makeover.

Melissaria said...

It's got worse since Barbie's day. These days, little girls have Bratz dolls, which probably means that their brothers suggest that the Bratz Boyz become their agents and put them on Pop/American Idol, Big Brother or one of those modelling contests. And if that doesn't work out for them, well there's always porn...

Ah, the youth of today.

moi said...

Doris Rose: Recently, someone pointed out to Moi that psychologists have a name for gals like us: "early articulators."

Upset: No, reading this post should make you look up her value. When I found out that I could have freakin' RETIRED to freakin' Capri on the worth of the five Barbies I gave away to the little girls next door, my brain nearly exploded.

Melissaria: Heh. Da Bratz almost make Moi thankful for Hannah Montana.

Gypsy said...

I have got tears running down my face...no not because Barbie didn't marry GI Joe (anyway wasn't she committed to Ken...whatever)....but because you are so damn funny Moi. What a forward thinking little girl you were. I know adults that could take some lessons from the child Moi.

moi said...

Gypsy: Unfortunately, Barbie discovered early on that her Ken's door swung the other way. He liked to try on Barbie's outfits. But they did have a fun, long-lasting friendship shopping together :o)

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I don't know what's funnier - that you were smart enough to tell your brother to get stuffed, or that your brother was dumb enough to think this was a good idea. Hee hee!

I can recall thinking that I wanted a wife when I was young.

You have illustrated, my bright friend, the exact reason why you should have chillruns, should you change your mind. The world needs smart mommies - not people who thoughtlessly squeeze out babies.

Anonymous Boxer said...

I used Barbie once to show my friend how babies are TRULY birthed (her mother told her something all wrong.) By the time I got home, my Mother had been called. Being a Nurse, she just laughed, but guess what?

Yeah, the other Mom took the Barbie's away.

Looking forward to the next installment.....

upset waitress said...

Yea she's worth about 60 dollars. Not a lot. Yet.

What's wrong with you? DOn't you believe in Indian giving?

moi said...

Dread: What a lovely compliment. Alas, Moi's hands are full. But I wouldn't mind going on a Borrow a Child for a Day program!

AB: Noooooo! That's like throwing the baby out with the bath water, pardon the pun.

Upset: No, one thing I can't do is take candy from a baby. I can, however, bide my time, wait until they're teens, and knock them over the head at that point.