Tuesday, February 19, 2008

No, No. Please Don't Design

With apologies to Ms R for paraphrasing one of her post titles, you wanna know my greatest fashion pet peeve? When celebretards decide that just because they've paid their dues taking years of advice from some underweight, over-tanned bobble-headed stylist, they're all of a sudden qualified to leave the cozy nest and design their own line of clothing and accessories.

When, really, they should just stay home.

It always ends badly, proving Moi's Fashion Dictum #456:

Celebretard + Fashion Dabbling = Total Disaster

Just look at the sorry ass state of today's perfume industry. A market that used to be dominated by big, bold chypre/aldehyde/leather frags has been successfully skinkified by a plethora of nose-numbing fruity florals thanks to Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Mandy Moore. You know the world as we know it is about to fold when Guerlain, maker of such masterpieces a Mitsouko and L'Heure Bleue, suddenly decides it simply must capture the celebrity-inspired youth culture and puts out a strawberry-infused juice inspired by Hilary Swank.

Instead of doing what we used to do, which is buttoning ourselves up and letting our perfume (think: Caron Tabac Blond and Chanel No. 5) broadcast sex, sex, sex; today, every woman under the age of 80 is trying to rock a Hot Topic crop top, while their perfume says: bite me; I smell like a watermelon.

Still, the perfume industry is the least of my worries. What really has my engine cranked are celebrity clothing designers.

Check out this offering from P. Diddy/Sean John's Fall 2008 Collection.

Now, I ask you: In what universe – gay, straight, or sittin' on the fence – would wearing this outfit not be an occasion for sending the wearer straight to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, just sit your happy ass in there for a bit and think about what your utterly idiotic choice in clothing is going to do to the unsuspecting public?

About the only thing that sweater is good for is smuggling hamsters out of Syria.

How about this?

This sassy lil' number is from Gwen Stefani's Spring 2008 L.A.M.B. collection, which was dominated by, you got it, a naughty school girl theme. With some sequins tossed about here and there to keep the buyers at Neiman's from completely running screaming into the hills. They just got halfway there and said, "Meh, isn't Lindsay Lohan out of rehab by now?"

Look, I know, hell, I understand, that the vast majority of fashion design is about fantasy. It's okay if an outfit says, "If I were a countess slumming on Capri, I'd wear that dress." Or, "If I were a rock star, I'd for sure be purchasing those purple suede thigh high boots." Even, "If I were escaping from Bellevue, then I could see myself merrily skipping out the gates in that bubble skirt and shrunken cardigan."

But there's a big problem if your first thought is, "Wellllllllll, if I were from Mars . . ."

Some celebrities try to distract us by naming their clothing line something totally innocuous and unrelated to their celebrity. Like Jennifer Lopez's Sweetface and JustSweet labels. But she's not fooling Moi. I can sniff out a poorly constructed celebretard knockoff a mile away. With a raging head cold.

You can dress it up in shiny silver and cornea-searing apple green silk, but it's still a freakin' hoodie and tunic dress. And a couple of ho-hum ones at that.

And while I admire Kimora Lee Simmon's for her single minded dedication to grabbing life's gusto with both bejeweled hands (and of course her lucky ducky locking of lips with Djimon Hounsou), her Baby Phat design aesthetic is, to put it kindly, Über Trash on Wheels.

So here's another one of Moi's Fashion Dictums (#674):

The next time your fave celebrity comes along hocking their latest perfume/evening gown/camo cargo pant/bed linen, turn on your heels and walk away. Because, Party People, just as we do not want to go through life smelling like a bowl of fruit salad tossed with a hint of Glade bathroom freshener, neither do we want to look that way, either.


Anonymous Boxer said...

OH! A Moi Fashion Post! Love them. Especially now after I've atteneded the "Project Runway School of Fashion Designing" I'm beginning to just barely understand what you said. Mostly, I'm just really glad to know that you also think these designs are NOT DESIGNS.

Sometimes, I turn my head sideways and think "is that the way it was meant to be worn"?

she said...

a-fucken-men. who designs anymore for actual grown up wimmen? i shop vintage so when i dress up i can wear a fitted skirt and jacket that flatters and says to the world "i am aware of and okay with the fact that i am 40-freaking-something years old"

" i sang a pop-song. therefore, i know clothes"

i looked at some l.a.m.b. pumps yesterday...the ones with a snub nose just like a snapping turtle. posh seems to like them. grrherhahaha

i did find a new fragrance i like: hersipides....its by fresh its very green and smells great layered over "grace' my daily driver which smells like ivory soap. grrrherhahaha...i dont think my fragrance says "sex" it might say "cut the damn lawn and take out the trash" grrrrherhahahaha jus kiddin. when i wanna say sex i smell like tequila.

ditto the boxer i love your fashion posts.

iamnot said...

Girly talk.
MeAnderthal no understand.

However, I suddenly have an urge to buy tequila and sniff she.

moi said...

AB: Dahlink, you know enough to know that Crocs Suck. That's all that matters. The rest will come.

She: I'm a fan of true citrus frags. But they must be GOOD citrus frags. Like O by Lancome, 4711, or Annick Goutal's Mandragore. And yes, never underestimate the power of a good, wafting tequila. It's responsible for Moi's own marriage, don't cha know.

iamnot: But you wouldn't be caught dead in the Sean John outfit, right?

she said...

eau de cazadores coming right up!! i need to add a scratch and sniff component for iamnot.

remember "calyx" by perscriptives?

moi said...

I forgot all about Calyx. A truly great scent.

And do I feel a tequila painting coming on por iamnot as well?

Anonymous Boxer said...

I'd like to add that I'm currently looking for a new fragrance having grown tired of vanilla and I'm thinking smelling like a cut lawn isn't all that bad. It beats smelling like a pack of cookies.

*note to visit Nordstrom very soon*

(More girl stuff for Iamnot to ignore.)

iamnot said...

No diddy for me.
I wear the uninspired and ubiquitous clothes of the middle-aged guy that doesn't have to dress up for work.
My scent is “clean,” usually.

upset waitress said...

I probably have no fashion sense at all but...I would soooo wear that outfit in the last pic.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

smuggling hamsters out of syria. huh huh...

No, I am not inspired by any of these "looks". Ew.

Wicked Thistle said...

I will not for a minute pretend that I understood half of what you wrote. Fashions? Perfumes? Designers? Ironically, even though I am the city dweller and you the country girl, I am rural where these things are concerned. Just give me my blue jeans and a shirt that I don't have to tuck in, and I'm blissfully happy. Anyway, I'm saving "fashion icon" for my next lifetime, and I am *so* going to trounce around in outrageously high heels then.

I will agree wholeheartedly on the "ew" factor of those outfits, though. But think of how much finger-pointing fun they give us!

Gypsy said...

Ok Moi, I am an ignoramus when it comes to fashion and I didn't understand a lot of what you said. The fact that some of it might be American as opposed to Australian may have something to do with it as well. Not to worry....

What I did get is that those fashions are hideous and on that score I say AMEN. Whenever I have watched a high end fashion show I always end up thinking - "Yeah but does anyone actually buy this stuff"?

moi said...

AB: I have a feeling you'd like Calyx. Prescriptives makes it.

iamnot: As it should be for a dude.

Upset: To serve them cocktail wienies in, right?

Dread: I know, huh? Nothing off of which to play. And you wouldn't catch me dead in "naughty schoolgirl." Yew.

Wicked: Shush, girl. I've seen your outfits. Your fashionista side is usually just hiding out with the nachos. As for the irony, yes, that's my life. Ironic: rural versus urban. Cheetos versus Doritos.

Gypsy: Well, the names may be American but the sentiment is still universally P.U. And the point isn't that people wear this stuff (although some designers are more "ready to wear" than others and therefore sane), the point is usually to create art, off of which the ready to wear designers play, toning down the major themes. But that requires talent, something which the average celebretard lacks.

ChiliLady said...

I'm confused. are you male or female? anyways, I really enjoyed reading this, so funny!

moi said...

Chili: Female. Although when I get pissed like this, I DO tend to channel Moi's inner Bruce Willis.

The Troll said...

I saw a Wigger wearing something by "designer" P-Diddy recently. Not as ugly as yours, but perhaps dumber.

Plain gray sweatshirt with SEAN JOHN in giant letters. Wonder what it cost?

upset waitress said...

Awww, noone saw that last outfit as being totally Floridian and adorable on a hot bod? It certainly was the most practical get-up. Ahh well, like I said earlier. I have no fashion sense. :)

Meghan said...

That P. Diddy outfit sent me into convultions.

Not kidding.

moi said...

Troll: 'kay. What's a Wigger?

Upset: Ohhhhhhh, it's Floridian. Gotcha! Wonder if she's in kahoots with Jimmy Buffet?

Meghan: Yes, P Diddy simply must be made fun of from now until the end of time. The End, Amen.

The Troll said...

UW's correct. I've seen that outfit all over Florida. Unfortunately, it's usually on a body that is way South of "hot".

A Wigger is a suburban white punk who thinks it's cool to emulate the very worst in black stereotypes. They usually are killed after saying "nigga please" to the wrong person.

Wicked Thistle said...

Moi, this is what comes of listening to gangsta rap: you learn what a wigger is. I'd be happy to give you a loaner from my collection for your edification.

Orangeblossoms said...

Took me a while to get to this.... I've been really busy.... but it was so worth the wait. I say: Here, Here!

moi said...

Troll and Wicked: Obviously, I am woefully behind in my "street." Thanks to you both for keeping Moi in the loop!

Orange!: For a moment, I thought you were going to write: Amen. You know, just to put an "official" stamp on Moi's opinion :o)

Hello again and I hope all is well!

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