Sunday, April 25, 2010

Ant Music

This isn't technically a Moi's Adventures in Miami post, but it is related. Almost everyone who knows me well knows I'm afraid to fly, and as a result have crafted for myself a notebook-full of self-soothing behaviors of the kind that probably only make sense to me, a handful of behavioral therapists, and Duc Kwan, counter clerk at the liquor store down the road. Unfortunately, I don't get to visit Duc all that much anymore, now that the NTSB has made it a major no-no for me to hip flask my favorite cocktail through security. Stupid NTSB.

So now I'm down to positive affirmation and visualization techniques culled from a variety of self help books and therapists so earnest, I'm beginning to fear that if I actually fully take these exercises seriously ("envision angels, sent from heaven, pouring golden light from a crystal urn through the top of your head, flowing through your body, and banishing all the bad, purple light") I just might be set on the path towards full blown New Age Hippiedom, and Lord, none of us wants to see that happen.

Still, what to do with sweat-slicked palms and jive jumping heartbeat?

Luckily, this time around, I got through on my way out thanks to utter exhaustion (I was up at 3:30am to meet a 6am flight) and my way back home thanks to a cute, young F-18 pilot who animatedly explained to me with that peculiar-to-the-military mix of ego and humility that it is, in fact, quite possible to survive almost any kind of plane crash. Well, except for those that involve a mid-air explosion . . .

However, after said cute, young marine disembarked in the ATL leaving me to my eventual fate pinched in the middle between two people who prompted me to wonder if perhaps hitting the booze before noon is not such a great idea after all (yes, I said it), I was left to my own devices.

Which, roughly translated, means: reading a stack of magazines I wouldn't ordinarily be caught dead reading at any other time except at my hairdressers, the Jiffy Lube, and emergency panic situations. So you'll forgive me if I happen to know that Camilla Parker-Bowles nearly tossed herself off a bridge at the prospect of bonnie Prince William hip-butting her precious Charles from the throne. I know, huh? Poor Camilla. Always a bride's maid . . .

Or that I revisited my punk musical adolescence with the current issue of Uncut, which at first I thought would be way too esoteric por Moi, but which actually turned out to be almost as cool as the dearly departed Creem and nowhere near as yawn-inducing as Rolling Stone. Hefty features on Captain Beefheart, the Stooges, and Adam Ant are what got me through. Unfortunately, they also reminded me what a tragically neurotic adult I've grown to become. If the former Pink Mohawked Moi could meet today's Quaking in Her Peep Toes counterpart, she'd have quite a sneer. Although perhaps reach an understanding over their mutual, everlasting love for Adam Ant. Seriously, Party People. Dude was über hot.


Jenny said...

This is the first song on my "Jump Rope Mix". Dude WAS uber hot. He was in a New Twilight Zone about this time that only contributed to his hotness at the time.

I remember the days when my organic organge juice was spiked with my favorite cheap vodka. It's wear I cut my "boozey teeth".... flying. Boooo to the NTSB. But I'm sure the bars in airports are happy.

and still waiting for the Miami post..... :-)

Did the positive affirmation work? I think I'd take the fighter pilot. The odds are better for me if I'm sitting next to him if the plane goes down.

Unknown said...

Adam Ant ... probably the reason I've been cheering Seth Aaron all season on PR ... he just takes me back to that place and time. Don't Drink, Don't Smoke, what do you do? That was me, except for the don't drink part of the equation.

I don't fly well either, but not because of the worry. I'm a known puker. Plus when I fly, I have an aircraft engineer beside me telling me what ever noise and bump means and then proceeds to describe it at great length to take your mind off it. No wait, he'd tell it at length anyway ....

Nothing like having your feet on the ground, literally.

Jenny said...

need to correct "wear" with "where" and to say....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come over, I have a leetle video for you....


Making Space said...

"I just might be set on the path towards full blown New Age Hippiedom"

This makes sense of a recent purchase I made. Shunning my Crocs in favor of (goddess help me) fashion, I voluntarily purchased a pair of Borns. And I ADORE them.

Now that I know you're turnin' all hippie-like, I understand my slight tilt toward style. It's all about balance in the universe.

I'm still a tax and spend liberal, however, because we must not have total chaos.

I understand it's your birthday - hope it was happy!!!

h said...

Could the FAA and the gov-subsidized airlines actually be diabolically clever? All the crap being designed to make people like MOI forget their fear-of-flying and replace it with uber-annoyance?

Happy B-Day!

moi said...

Boxer: My problem with positive visualization, is that my mind drifts. So I start off envisioning roots growing out of the bottoms of my feet and winding all the way back to my garden at home and end up wondering why the gal next to me chose those shoes with those pants.

Pam: "Known puker." Bwahahahahaha! Luckily, that only happens to me in boats. And I find that I get even more nervous when things are explained to me.

Making Space: Somewhere, Yoda is nodding with satisfaction . . . And, just so you know, I actually own a pair of Borns, which make the perfect house shoe. And, I would totally pop for these if I didn't already have a pair of gladiators:
I think Boxer's going to buy them.

Troll: Conspiracy is as conspiracy does. However, I'm not so ADD as to be incapable of both fear and annoyance at the same time.

LẌ said...

Happy Birthday Moi!

LaDivaCucina said...

Moi, I'm laughing at your comments about your struggle with visualization! That's La Diva completely....I start off thinking "happy place, happy place, oceans and deep blue seas" and within 30 seconds it turns to "can someone shut that dog UP? Why didn't the guy next to me put on any deorderant today? Did DJ Nevah L8 put my knives in the dishwasher?" Ugh. You know the drill!

Two things I didn't know about you:

Fear of flying

Your birfday! HAPPY BIRFDAY!!! Chocolate chile cake to you!

Did you know that Malcolm McClaren passed recently? He "discovered" Adam Ant, Bow Wow Wow, Sex Pistols of course. (pS to pam, YES, Seth Aaron reminded me of AA too!)

Ant, ant, ant, ant, ant, ant, ant, ant, ant......

Jenny said...

Borns! I got fashion advice from Moi yesterday and I'm going to take the advice.

Buying them.

Milk River Madman said...

Drinking before noon? How can that be a bad idea? Happy Birthday!

sparringK9 said...

used to take silver patron in a small water bottle on board -back when you could have water. bah! now i dont drink anything at all -too worried about touching a surface in the nasty plane bathroom. so, how far is it to drive to NM? grrrrrhahahahaha

adam ant. i approve.

airline annoyance. yeah. let me tell you not worried about al qaeda or somalians with hot underwear. im terrified of people with bad colds and people who carry on fried chicken. once a chick sitting next to me ate sunflower seeds -cracking each one, sucking out the seed and then depositing the shells into the now defunct ashtray on the seat arm. after a few minutes of seeing spittle stretch from her mouth to fingers in this process i finally turned to her and said "you have to stop that". and she did. jut in time or i would have become a know puker like Pam. (grrherhahahaha pam)

speaking of old age hippydom: never thought i would morph into mother nature. yeah, im granola now. but i will NOT be wearing 3 tiered gauze skirts or making my own soap anytime soon. and patchouli? forgetabboutit!

Happy Birthday MOI!!!!! woo hoo. how will you celebrate?

Karl said...

Happy Birthday Moi!

Sure hope you get out and do something fun and exciting to celebrate.

czar said...

Happy birthday, Moi!

And congratulations on working Camilla Parker-Bowles and Captain Beefheart into adjoining paragraphs. Not everyone could pull that off.

Didn't Don Van Vliet end up as an artist of some other kind? Certainly he's not been living all these years off the royalties of "Dachau Blues."

Regarding drinking before noon and related to an earlier post:

"The beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad / so I had one more for dessert." --K. Kristofferson

moi said...

xl: Thank you!

La Diva: I KNOW! I heard about Malcolm, may he rest in peace. Whatever else has been said about him, you gotta give him props for single-handedly manipulating an entire movement in such a way as to make it seem not only organically spontaneous, but also truly anarchic.

Boxer: Buy them! You must!

Milk: Only if one is a trust fund baby. Notice how rich people with drinking problems are delightfully eccentric while the rest of us are just drunks?

K9: I celebrated by playing hooky for half a day with S.B. Lunch, window shopping, new running shoes. Oh, and guess what? Your nightmare plane scenario piggy backed itself home with me. Yes. I'm viral. As for patchouli? You mean P.U.chouli, right :o)? Although, the perfume Angel? Features a big ol' vat of it and it's divine.

Karl: Well, a tweener birthday on a Monday doesn't really lend itself to excitement, but it does lend itself to rest :o)

Czar: Vliet is a painter, I think. And, it is said, a long time MS sufferer. Which could explain a few things.

chickory said...

are you saying you got a cold on the flight?! of course! its a tube of plague with recycled air of death. i hate it!

glad you had a great morning!!

Pam said...

It was your birthday? How did I miss that? Very happy happy to you!!! Miss Goody Two Shoes ... or any and all shoes = you.

Big Shamu said...

Happy Birthday. As much as I love your fashion advice, I will leave those sandals to you and Boxer. I'm glad to hear you had a wonderful birthday and you're firmly rooted back into Terra Firma. I am so looking forward to our next blog summit if only to catch up in person on all your adventures.

boneman said...

Hiya, MOI, and happy Birthday to You!
I brought some Peach Pie, because cake just wouldn't do.
And words from a (ranting) good guy, most of us have heard,
And then I'm away like a big flying bird!
(George Carlin's Views on Aging)

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it does't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop" And the devil'sname is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, w hatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Bretthead said...

Happy Birthday!!!!

Did you say Moi's pink mohawk? What does it take to see a picture of that?

Aunty Belle said...

Came seekin' yore BIRTHDAY REPORT!!!

Tell us how fine thangs were...heh..but ya can keep one or two secrets if ya need to...

moi said...

Chickory: Sniffle. Snort. Gag. Freakin' flyin' germ factories . . .

Pam: I DID buy myself a pair of birthday shoes! How did you know?

Shamu: It will be here before we know it. One thing birthdays always remind me of: the ability of time to fly.

Boneman: When it comes to growing older with style and grace, I'm personally counting on my inability to do simple math.

WTWA: A time machine. Back in the big bad 80s, who had a digital camera, much less an iPhone? We were too busy having fun to snap every little moment of our lives. However, maybe my mom tucked one away somewhere. If I can find it, I'll post it.

Aunty: It was more a relaxed birthday than anything else. And, I didn't have to cook :o)