Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I've Tried Yoga But I Find Stress Less Boring

These past couple weeks I've been feeling like a slowly unraveling sweater. And not something in a fine cashmere knit by Dolce and Gabbana, either. Or even a serviceable merino wool by J. Crew. No. More like something of a dubiously synthetic fabric that I once nicked from my boyfriend's stash of Chess King pullovers on a stormy winter's night in 1987 pre a post-finals pub crawl because:

A. I was too college student skint to own a proper coat.

B. I believed that wearing my boyfriend's clothing was a totally cool way to, like, subtly but undeniably broadcast the fact of our way bitchin' union, only without the expense of a friendship ring or the pain of a tattoo. 

Only, instead of marking us as a couple, it marked me as a total dork, never mind the tights and cropped Pat Benatar boots to go with.


I'll spare you the gory details about my recent stress except to say that other than parent/child relationships, I don't believe that blood ties should necessarily trump consciously chosen relationships, especially when those ties are bound with a bat shit crazy dynamic. 

Luckily, I do have my limits. I may beat my head against the wall until it bruises, but when I start seeing skull, when I no longer have control over what I am able to give and what someone sucks out of me without permission, when the crisp line that separates my calm interior from the whirlwind exterior devolves into a murky watercolor wash, that's when I step off the bat shit crazy train.

All the better to shake my head at someone who has obviously chosen to ride it to the very end of the line:

What. The. Fork.

But not the only example of the truly, truly awful fashion being paraded around at this year's Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute fundraiser. Each year, the creme de la creme of the fashion and celebrity world gather together to raise money for the Institute but only end up proving in increasingly outlandish ways that money may make the world go 'round but it can't buy good taste. 

Irony much? 

Mais, oui!

Especially when it comes to perennial event hostess, Anna Wintour, editor in chief of American Vogue magazine. Now, this is a woman who has become so universally disliked that if the mental arrows that are shot her way on a regular basis suddenly manifested as real, she'd drop like a lacerated Spartan, only without the fab six pack abs and way cool lighting. "Fashionistas! Today I die without my Spanx!"

So you'd think she'd be extra, extra careful not to draw any more negative attention to herself, right? 

Uh. Apparently, in a galaxy far, far way? Princess Leia has decided to try her hand at fashion design.

That was last year. This year, Anna stuck closer to home. Well, to Chanel. But I'll be damned if I can figure out what's going on here. Me no speaky Bat Shit Crazy Dress Design, either.

You know what this reminds me of? One of those pastel colored, faux Swiss Chalet-style homes you find in certain areas of Middle America suburbia. The ones with window frames that mimic peaked roofs and eaves made from long strips of loopy, scallop-shaped wooden cutouts, resulting in a kind of creepy dollhouse come to adult-sized life. At any moment now, this photo is going to start yodeling.

At least she didn't pull a Scarlett O'Hara and make her dress out of the hotel drapes, like these two bims. 

And just when I was beginning to like Vicky B., too. But Kate? Never. Seems like every photo I see of her out and about, regardless of how up or down she's dressed, she still manages to look like she needs a good wash. 

But the worst offender?

Would it be tacky of me to snag this opportunity to make what I know, I know, is a very un-P.C. comment about Chris Brown slapping even the fashion sense outta the girl? Yes? No? Okay, how about: Rihanna, honey, snap to the fact that you're beautiful enough to break flash bulbs, date non-psychotic men, and dress like a girl rather than prom date to Ronald McDonald gone goth.


sparringK9 said...

grherherhahahaha well written slab of fashion color - and rather poignant manifesto on the family crazy train. im glad you declined to join ozzy off the rails.
and im sorry its been so stressful. hate that for you.

are you sure thats a chanel anna is wearing? i was thinking more along the lines of bathroom tile.

kate moss does look dirty! all the time.

czar said...

Wait. Did I miss Halloween? There nothing about those get-ups that a UNICEF box full of pennies wouldn't help.

Doris Rose said...

I agree with K9, a very well written manifesto-and blog. Dig out those great boots you bought and shop for spurs.

moi said...

K9: Bathroom tile, yes! Like an entire wall in one of those old Art Deco hotel bathrooms. Sometimes, I think designers do this just to laugh their asses off on a regular basis.

Czar: Careful. Someone might glue-gun those pennies to some silk and, voila! Art.

Doris: You've been such a tremendous help during all this, I should buy you the spurs!

Gnomeself Be True said...

Girls are weird.
I look at girls in weird outfits and just try to look past the clothes. (In other words, I imagine them naked.)
Once I manage that, I don't worry so much about their fashion sense.

Gnomeself Be True said...

Ok, I have to admit to limitations.
I'm working my mojo on Rihanna in that outfit and all I get underneath is Michael Jakson.
Things that make you go "Ewwwwww."

Heff said...

I'm not in to fashion (obviously) but I DO find incredible humor in it, as displayed here today. A fine job !

h said...

I'm confuzzled. Were the first few paragraphs a trick to get me to read the fashion stuff?

Anyhay, I'm calling it a tie between crazy granny with tiles dress and Rihanna's tranvestite lawn-jockey look.

NYD said...

I just couldn't look at the whole damned menagerie. Anna Wintours dress looks like the bathroom tile I laid for my in laws last summer.

OMG I just read K9's comment. Well I'm not changing a thing. I am glad we agree.

moi said...

Gnome: You know, I really marvel at the male species' ability to go around imagining every woman naked. Y'all's wiring is so SIMPLE.

Heff: Hey, I AM into fashion and still find it incredibly humorous. See, there: common ground!

Troll: Yes. I wrote this especially with you in mind. 'Cause had I not done that? We wouldn't have Crazy Granny With Tiles as a brand new moniker for La Wintour.

NYD: I'm the only one who sees Swiss Chalet, then?

Gnomeself Be True said...

Simple, functional and to the point.
We're wired to spread the genes as far and wide as possible. In the end, all the fashion stuff you chicks do is only for each other.
Men just want to know if they can get any of what's under the fashion.

I am man, hear me oink!

Jenny said...

Rihanna spent the entire week in NYC wearing some bat-shit crazy stuff, but that one? I kept thinking Sammy Davis Jr was going to call and ask for his tuxedo back. There was ONE picture online where she was breathtaking in a simple outfit and I actually said to the picture "that's the way to dress."

Despite your current stress, it's nice to see that you're still capable of putting out a classic Moi Fashion Post.

And Victoria B? **shudder**

Bretthead said...

I tend to skip the fashion blogs but I made it through this one cuz I was laughing my ass off the whole time. The pics are entertaining enough, but your narration was perfect.

Sometimes I wonder if these people have so much money and attend so many formal events that they just don't know what to wear anymore. And then they end up like the ones in your blog.

Aunty Belle said...


Why is I certain a few blogger babes would outshine that crew anyday--an' wif' jes what's already in the back of the closet.

Was ya jes' too grossed out to mention that Madonna arrived on the arm of --who else??--Jesus.

Sorry fer the intrafamilial skirmishes.

Fun wordsmithin', Moi!

sparringK9 said...

considering gnomes point: wasnt it interesting to watch danielle on TRHONJ fuss over what shoes and bag to take with what dress. when every body knows all her date cares about is if her mouth is in good sucking order. grrrrrherhahahaha

moi said...

Gnome: Apparently, bacon goes with everything.

Boxer: Rihanna regularly makes my list of consistent Fashion Felonists.

WTWA: I think it's a conspiracy of stylists, personally. Because, hell, what's more entertaining than making a self involved, pea-brained celebrity look like a 'tard?

Aunty: Of all the stunts she's pulled, dating someone named Jesus is about the creepiest. Isn't she, what, old enough to be his GRANDMOTHER? Even I draw the line at 25+ years.

K9: And didn't you just love the tack, tack, TACKY comment about going into the bathroom? Gah! If we didn't think she was a 'ho befo' . . . . well. That just sealed it.

j.sterling said...

omg, i'm still laughing my fucking ass off from the title of this post!

'niner said...

thats what i was talking about over at shamus the tragedy of trying to continue the sex kitten routine into middle age. its unseemly and embarrassing. i was mortified for her just watching it and i really dont mortify that easily. or maybe am starting to....

better to ease on into eccentric artist and garden lady. ;-) grherhahahaa

moi said...

Jennifer: Welcome to Moi's Blob! The only fun thing about yoga is watching the yoga biatches try and outdo each other with their Prana outfits.

K9: There's a big difference between wanting to stay fit and attractive at any age and trying to stay twenty-five, failing, and looking like a freak in the process.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...


the hell.

is that?

madonna looks fab compared with THAT. It's like a tuxedo crossed with a Gunny Sax dress. Or something.


h said...


MommyHeadache said...

Say what you like about Kate looking unwashed I do like her style usually but this is like, who let the dogs out, maybe some crazy stylist convinced her to try it while she was snorting coke from his backside. That's the only possible explanation.

fishy said...

Are you sure the word "fashion" applies?

I came by to see if you got around to trying the biscuit recipes, or the quails or the wild hog leg?

Pam said...

GRRBHAHHAHA on the bathroom tiles, I had it but couldn't put my finger on it exactly ... yep, all she needed was the lime green shower curtain cape to go with it.

Sorry about the fam-stress. We should all do posts about our bat-shit-crazy relatives and give awards for battiest.