Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Zen Fascists Will Control You

Here it is, already Tuesday and yet I still can't shake a conversation I had with someone this weekend who looked me straight in the eye and said with all sincerity that she believed it was 100 percent okey dokey if the gub'ment fines us all for doing things that go against the "common good." In particular, she said, she thought it was a simply splendid idea that the powers that be in D.C. levy a hefty fine against our asses if we refuse to recycle our household waste.

I didn't put up much of a fight.

Not just because I was stunned, but also because I was operating on three straight days of no sleep and about a bazillion glasses of wine at that point. I don't think I could have found my feet, much less formed a coherent argument against her faulty thinking. And besides, guess who would have come out looking like the fascist? One simply does not argue against clean air and water, regardless of the fact that whether or not I recycle my plastic milk jugs et al has about as much impact on truly clean air and water as my spinning around in circles has on the earth's tilt on its axis. But for the record, if all y'all are wondering if a conservative gives a shit about the environment, well what part of "conserve" do you not understand? Of course I recycle. S.B. makes me.

So anyway. It got me to thinking. This is sure a nifty little credo, this idea that the government knows better than we do what's good for us and what isn't. Because if that's so, then elect Moi to office right now 'cause boy, oh boy, do I have some ideas of my own.

Personally, I would also levy fines against:

1. Anyone who has more than one child. We have 6 billion people on this planet and if you don't believe that our environmental crisis is due in large part to the fact that we're straining ourselves to find enough food/water/shelter/$100,000 a year jobs for each fifty gazillion babies born every second, then I have a plot of land in New Orleans I'd like to sell you.

2. Anyone who has sex. Having sex ups your chances for catching and transmitting an STD, a couple of which are potential death sentences. So if you have sex, you may as well just face the fact that you might kill someone.

3. Anyone who eats fast food. Fast food is loaded with saturated fats, which clog arteries, which leads to heart disease, which leads to increased health care costs.

4. Anyone who doesn't get at least 30 minutes per day of aerobic exercise. See #3 above.

5. Anyone who smokes, drinks, does drugs. No one should have that much fun.

6. Anyone who wears Crocs. Not only are Crocs butt ass ugly, but they're also made of plastic in a manufacturing process that I am as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow must be terribly detrimental to the environment. And did I mention they're butt ass ugly?

Isn't this fun? Now you play. If you were Dictator For a Day, how would you drain the will to live out of your constituency?


Big Shamu said...

Damnit, I just voted yesterday and I forgot to write your name in. On that platform, you'd be a...(wait for it)....SHOE IN!!

moi said...

Funny. Really funny. But what is this voting early thing I keep hearing about? I thought next Tuesday was election day? I know there are people who vote absentee for various reasons or another, but early? Well, why put off the inevitable, eh?

Gnomeself Be True said...

Hey, I'm safe from most of those things.

Jenny said...

32 states have early voting, mine is not one of them. I'm so close to seriosly writing you in as my vote, you have no idea.

My Company was "forced" into recycling of office products/etc last year. I received numerous threatening letters and a bin was deposited on our back dock. I have no problem with recycling, but DO NOT TELL ME I HAVE TO DO IT.

Your list is my list. Especially the Crocs. And Fast Food. And smoking.

Big Shamu said...

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Yes Kansas has early voting and not at your normal polling place which mine happens to be at a church. I always felt a little strange voting in a church.
No need for any excuse about being out of the country or in the hospital. Just more efficient in anticipation of a barn burner of an election day. I feel for the folks over the state line in Missouri, no advanced voting (except for the out of country thing) for them and our weather just turned cold. Standing in cold and possibly wet weather is no fun.

Big Shamu said...

OH!? I'd add some sort of pet production tax or rules. If your pet has puppies or kittens YOU have to be responsible for all of them unless you can show proof that you spayed or neutered all your pets. If you're a breeder, then I'll be taxing your ass and your puppies and kittens asses for every one that goes to a home un-neutered or un-spayed. Every pet gets chipped and if you dump it and we find it dead or alive, woe be unto you.

Jenny said...

Shamu for Vice President!! That is ONE new rule that I would happily endorse. Excellent.

sparringK9 said...

oh hell yeah i am the MINISTER of croc regulation. i will throw your ass in Gitmo you'll never stop chokin on water. grrrherhahaha and if you stick little doo dads in the croc holes? dick cheney will personally shoot your head off.

#7: cats caught killing birds will be shot and their skanky fur will be used to line uggs worn by skinny asian girls with bad attitudes and 12 inch long acrylic nails with charms on them.

#8: people with dogs will be given a 100000 tax credit and a lifetime membership to all national parks.

#9: SQUIRRELS will be placed in the endangered species list especially in moi's and shamus yard. a fine of all your best shoes will be levied should any squirrels be harmed or disappeared in afore mentioned locations.

#10: people who bring fried chicken , bbq, boiled peanuts and/or chinese food onto an airplane will have sinus infection droplets inserted into their air blower thing and then beaten upon disembarkment.

thank you and peace and love.

moi said...

Iamnot: Don't worry. We'll think of SOMETHING to get you in the end.

A.B.: I'm thinking of writing in Johnny Depp.

Shamu: Ooooo, you get the Draconian Law of the day award: a plate of steamed tofu and broccoli, sprinkled with Mrs. Dash.

K9: ROTFL at your Miss Asian Pouty Pants in Uggs image. Uggs are on Moi's scheisse list, too.

sparringK9 said...

im sorry to inform you that your license to eat broccoli and tofu have been revoked. you are now assigned to benefits schedule W3FE and will be restricted to fruit roll ups.

so that you will feel better, we've also extended said restrictions to your friends and neighbors.

VENTL8R said...

I, too, would enforce the Croc Law. I, too, voted early about 2w ago. I would make it legal for neighbors to do unimaginable things to other neighbors for allowing their dogs to bark incessantly and not do a gosh darned thing about quieting their mutt. I understand dogs bark; I have two. BUT! WHen your dogs barks at the nightbor on the other side of the block because they're on their front porch, or the dog is allowed to bark past 11pm during the week? I have issues....

Anonymous said...

I invented recycling. And crocs.

Big Shamu said...

I'd gladly eat tofu and broccoli for the rest of my life if I could get the dumbasses of the world to not abuse their pets or let them breed willy nilly. I want "the pound" to go the way of the dodo and free television. I'd even be nice to squirrels. Even if they were wearing crocs. However I may have to draw the line at BeDazzled Croc-wearing Squirrels. I do have limits.

Bretthead said...

I think I'd start with an idiot tax to be levied at will as I live my life and see it happening all around me.

Aunty Belle said...

Yeah. Yore brain is workin' at half speed, Sugar.

If youse serious about # 1, then 2,3,4,5, make no sense. Jes' let them sexual smokin', drinkin' an' druggin' couch potatoes eat cake and die. Job done.

Youse so right MOI on # 2: new studies of HPV (an STD) shows increase in cancer of the MOUTH since HPV can be spread by saliva--jes a public service announcement.

Aunty Belle said...

wait, what in the hail are UGGS?

I seen the asian fingernails but whas' an UGG? Figger it must be the UGGLiest footware?

moi said...


Pronounced: the sound I make when I see them, worn not as a utilitarian object, but a fashion statement. In the middle of summer. In El Lay. With shortie shorts.

moi said...

As for the Idiot Tax. I like it. That takes care of just about everything in one swell foop, now doesn't it.

Aunty Belle said...

uggs is definitely unlawful.

Wicked Thistle said...

Is a ban on melted cheese a part of your fascist regime? Cause if so, I'm out. My regime is cheese-coated.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I'd ban the sale of alcohol from anywhere except pubs to force drinkers to be both sociable and responsible.

hesu said...

I would like people who have children or tenacious dogs take aptitude tests to do so. That makes me a fascist doesn't it?

STDs suck said...

I would quarintine people with aids and im 99.99 % sure hitler said "TIME FOR YOUR SHOWER!