Tuesday, April 22, 2008


Although I truly, truly believe that there isn't a government in existence anywhere in this entire universe that can actually do anyone any ding dang good in any way and for any reason whatsoever, and that I can count on three fingers, one-two-three, the only justifiable functions of government in our lives at all, I am nonetheless, in between actual bouts of work, day dreaming about what, exactly, I'd do if I were in fact elected president of these here United States.

Outlaw run on sentences for one.

I know. Sorry.

But other than that, what would I do? Who would be my running mate(s)? Who would sit in my cabinet and advise me on when to go to war and when to say home and lunch it out? Who would furtively fill me in at the last minute on the rebel goings-on in Yetanotherbananarepublicstan or the state of trade affairs with some rising Pacific Rim nation because I'm way too ding dang tired from having partied hearty with Denmark's entire diplomatic corps the night before?

I am giving it serious thought.


sparringK9 said...

partying with the danes? its a good start. they might be just the sort of people who will appreciate 'mericas virtues now that their tolerance has bit "they asses"

about that appointment to iceland ( i want to see the aurora borealis)

Jenny said...

While we're talking about those plum appointments to fabulous countries (or Iceland, but She has a good point about the aurora borealis) could I be sent to Switzerland? I could hide some money, eat some chocolate and pretend I ski. Oh, and I'd phone in some "work" now and then to you.

I think you should pick Iamnot as your running mate; he's clearly loyal, you'd ALWAYS be assured of a great photo and he clearly needs to get the F out of Arizona for awhile. She/Aunty and I will be there for your cabinet... because we all know that's where the real "fun" is.

Do I hear a second?

And what does Troll want?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

What about free healthcare for all US citizens plus basic free healthcare for immigrants who have lived and paid taxes in the US for at least two years (rising to full healthcare rights on winning their Green Card)?

That'd win you a few votes!

Gnomeself Be True said...

Sorry. I was distracted by the thought of Wonder Woman in a prison movie.

What'd you say?

h said...

Where did you find a flat-chested Wonder Woman? Anyhay, I'd like to be Secretary of Elimination. I'd probably start with eliminating Embassies in Iceland and Switzerland.

moi said...

She: Iceland's yours. You ever see this? http://infoshop.org/faq/secF9.html No wonder you want the appointment. Think Bjork would score the campaign?

AB: Switzerland's yours. Bring back some blingy timepieces, will ya?

Poet: Uh . . . No. But I'll kick the insurance company's asses, return medicine to the free market, and leave everyone the freak alone so they'll have enough moohla to pay for health care themselves no problemo :o)

Iamnot: Clearly, dude, you need to get the heck fire out of Arizona. If you're up for it, come be my running mate, por favor. But you'll have to keep your mind on the job and not the White House interns, 'kay?

Troll: I'm going to have trouble with you, aren't I? How about I put you in charge of all things food and wine?

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

oh let me know if you need help - I'll happily be your running mate. I'll be al to your bill. I'll be dick to your bush.


on second thought...

Jenny said...

do you think Troll would like an appointment to Russia? I hear the winters are wonderful.

Pirate made me laugh.

moi said...

Pirate: Oh yes, you're definitely on board. I need all the Fashionable Muscle I can con into the job.

AB: Right on, let's sick Troll on the Commies! Wait a minute, Russia's part of the Free World now, right? I keep forgetting . . .

Gnomeself Be True said...

Don't worry Moi, the Russians keep forgeting that too.

I'll have to decline the coveted running mate position. I'd far rather be your Karl Rove.
There's something about being hated and reviled by people I hate and revile that makes that position seem very attractive.
Plus, I get to diddle the interns.

moi said...

Iamnot: Well, you'd look silly in heels anyway. I think I'll keep it an all girl's club and the boys can act as back up.

h said...

Я приму Viceroy еды & напитка. Но только если я могу принудить Aboxer для работы под мной как депутат Секретарша Velveeta и белого сахара.

sparringK9 said...

grrrherhahaha! youre on to me moi. yes....iceland is my kind of place. looks like YOUR kind a place too. viking heritage dont hurt either.

iamnot: i think youre smart in choosing to be rove. i met him in naples this last trip - he is funny as hell. and, as an independent contractor he can come and go from projects as het sees fit.

but moi - i would also take that gig as official digger on all things P.U.

moi said...

According to Babel Fish, thus Spake Da Troll: 4 tonic Viceroy of the food & of beverage. But only if I can force Aboxer for the work under me as deputy secretary Velveeta and white sugar.

Oh, lord. It's gonna be that kind of administration, isn't it?

She: Icelandic peoples got the baddest ass blood of all running through their veins. My kinda folks for sure. I do believe a Rappin' Homage is in order here so they know we come in peace and not to hoard their sweaters.

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jenny said...

I am IN on the velveeta and sugar, Prez Moi!

And by Troll's respone, I'd say he's READY for Russia.

and while I'm sad that Iamnot has chosen to decline, he's at least honest about his intentions with the Interns and you don't want a scandal that quickly.

(that was me above, I forgot a word.)

MommyHeadache said...

I'd love to be in your cabinet as Minister for Cream Cakes. I would spread love and justice via handing out delicious concoctions to all your enemies.

Wicked Thistle said...

I would be of no help to you--or the nation, for that matter--whatsoever, but I would still like a paid position in your administration. Give me a diplomatic post in Belize. Or put me in charge of snacks. I'll need assistants, though. And someone to do my hair.

Aunty Belle said...

I'll be the ambassatrix to the Yoonited Nations--whar we will test our newest pencil laser brain scramblers beamed on the occupants of 190 of the 193 chairs in the General Assembly.

Then them globocrats will pass resolution 314159265 what declares that the new ice age done invalidated the AlGoreithms used ter calkoolate the global warmin' scam what gives them planetary plunderers an excuse to levy the byte tax on every electronic transfer of funds or international digital sale or trade to raise funds in the name of the frigid forests of Fooledyagainschmuck.

moi said...

EmmaK: Very good. You and Ms R will definitely serve as my twin ministers in charge of Weapons of Mass Distraction. I know she will have to skip out on occasion from her own dictatorial duties, but it will involve free Louboutins as well as cake, so I don't think she'll mind.

Wicked: Belize it is. And there will be hairdressers all the way around. As God is Mah Witness, I will never blow dry myself again.

Aunty: You will most definitely be one of the bigger brains around here. With a Birkin, of course.

Aunty Belle said...

Aw, now, ain't figgerin on too much intelligence--jes' wanna dump the UN in the East River. AND i want some free Louboutins too!!