Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Move Along Moi's Vegetamarian Friends; Nothing to See Here

Last week, Doris Rose wrote about a little incident she’s having with critters setting up house among the insulation of her pool, and making themselves a snack of the plumbing while they’re at it.

I can sort of relate. We have a famblee of squirrels who for the past nine months have nestled their homey headquarters somewhere in the insulation of our outdoor swim spa as well. Thankfully, they have yet to gnaw their way through any of the piping.

But that doesn’t mean they’re not causing Moi to stamp her feet in frustration. That’s because, as SB is fond of saying, I insist on establishing Snow White’s freakin’ fairy land around here. I mean, why eat PVC when you can nosh luxuriously on $5 bazillion a pound gourmet birdseed?

Yeah, yeah. I bought a squirrel-proof feeder. But this is how the relationship between Moi and technology usually goes: I buy the correct thing, but then I position it improperly. So, no, the squirrels most definitely cannot climb the feeder. But they can drop down on it from on high. And yes, there has been talk of moving it . . .


Given that SB has himself a shiny new toy, I suggested that perhaps we should just go ahead and kill the little fuckers.

After all, while I love all of God’s chillrun (well, except cockroaches and politicians), I am not above putting them out of Moi’s misery under two very specific circumstances:

1. My life is in immediate, you-can-for-damn-sure-bet-on-it danger. But that’s never really happened. (I don't count the time I was vacationing in Bermuda and had the bad luck to sit my bikini bottomed ass on a patch of ground wherein lived a particularly virulent band of Bermudan Fire Ants who promptly bit me to hell, causing me to spend the rest of my gloriously sunshiny days fighting a fever and stomach cramps. But you know, what was I going to do? Hobble over to the nearest food vendor and scream, “Raid, my good man; I need a can of Raid!”?)

2. When I’m hungry. Look, I did not stagger my way up the food chain in these here high heels only to be presented with nothing but vegetables. However, I do not take being a carnivore lightly or for granted. Instead, I like to take what I call a Sioux Indian/Fat Bastard approach to meat-eating. In other words: "Thank you O Great Creator for the bounty you have bestowed upon this earth and thank you O Great Angus Beef Dude for giving your life and hide so that I may live and also look stylish whilst doing so. Now, get in mah belly (preferably with a nice side order of garlic mashed potatoes and a perky Riesling.)"

But no. SB won't kill the squirrels. And not because, silly, you don’t hunt squirrels with a Winchester rifle. But because:

1. “You know you’ll just end up crying like a pansy ass girly-girl.”


2. “Besides, you don’t know how to cook squirrel.”


Except, wait! What’s this? Oh, my. I almost forgot what my in-laws bestowed upon Moi for Christmas:

And lookie here:


Doris Rose said...

you kwackin me up girl!and I'm right there wit'cha. yeah, I'm all about living with all God's creatures...until they mess with me! war.So far Bilbert Butthead bunny is not falling for the salad in the live trap ploy. might have to resort to another BB in the butt.

Aunty Belle said...

Oh oh oh....oh no! Y'ain't gonna believe this , but thar' is a Jesuit seminarian in--where else? N'awlins who is famous fer his Squirrel Gumbo--ain't kiddin:

And this were hilarious post--the fanny ants knows a good thang when t hey sees it, thas' all.

Oh, an I likes SB's new toy--post on that comin' soon.

Aunty Belle said...

ooops--full link address fer the squirrel gumbo post is


Orangeblossoms said...

I'm not-so-secretly relieved that I live too far away for a dinner invitation! (not to presume or anything... but squirrel?!)

Loved Mute Monday, too.

Anonymous said...

The only squirrel-proof feeder is one that can hover on its own, about 20 yards away from any launching point.

Aunty Belle said...

Oh NO!! No no no!!

Dang--doan know how I missed yore Dixie--but now I seen it and it were awesome!! When's dinner--I'll have some of all of it.

moi said...

Doris: So the live animal twap is not working? Obviously, this is a way cwafty cwitter . . . I may have to resort to it myself.

Aunty: This is a Jesuit after Moi's own heart. Hail Mary full of Grace and pass the Gumbo, por favor! (No worries on MM – yeah, I been hungry all week. Making shrimp and grits tonight!)

Orange!: Hey girl! Well, of course you'd be welcome at Moi's table. And I would serve you whatever you wanted – even if it were all vegetemarians. I mean, not the people, the veggies themselves :o).

Czar: That's all you got, huh? Darn. I'm soooooo gonna have to declare war. Or get the twap back from DR and lure the entire famblee in and relocate up the hill.

h said...

Uhmmmmm. It hasn't occurred to you to let JUSTICE take his course? Or one of his friends?

Heck, both of my Akitas ( much slower than pit-bulls) have caught squirrels.

Or you could import an Owl into the mix. They like squirrel!

sparringK9 said...

grrrrrrrrrherherherhahahahahaha!!! excellent post.

"its not an adventure unless something goes WRONG!" grrrerhahaha...when you shoot, shoot to kill. grrrerhahaha

i like squirrels. hate cats. but you knew that already.

when trout bagged her first squirrel we were horrified. she trotted about tossing it up in the air and catching it. i had to take it away from her. i was heartbroken to find it was a very young squirrel. not sporting trout, no. not at all.

funny ass post grrrrrrrrrrrl

Wicked Thistle said...

La la la la la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you (picture fingers in ears and eyes closed) la la la la la la.....

moi said...

Troll: Justice wuvs all da lil' chillrun more than I do. And Ivan, oh Lord, he tries . . . lots o' power, that one but, shhhhhh, not many brains.

She: Ivan does that regularly with baby bunnies every spring. Usually, we arrive in time to rub the spittle off the little 'tard and send it on its merry bunny way. So that it can grow up and return at a later date to totally frig up Moi's garden.

Wicked: I know. I'm sorry. But it had to be done.

Karen said...

Very funny post Moi. I could never be a vegetarian but nor could I eat anything that's furry and cute....this includes rabbit, kangaroo and especially SQUIRREL.

Ms Robinson said...

Oh no. We've just had Jamie Oliver on TV squeezing Mechanically Reclaimed Meat out of chicken and now you I'm thinking Squirrel Jambalaya. I just keep thinking of the fur...

PS: Moi. Email me. I have a collective blog idea.

Jenny said...

Oh, I like a man who has a gun but won't use it.

Put me in the Vegetarian column and one who was outside in her PJ's this very morning swearing at the squirrel who was hanging upside down on my bird feeder.

Little f-ers. Cute. Little F-ers.

www.stepherz.com said...

Lol! Aren't squirrels cuter than birds though?

moi said...

Gypsy: Ja, but: have you ever looked into the eyes of a moo cow? Those lashes . . . sniff.

Ms R: Well, at least Jamie Oliver's a little hottie. Even with the lisp. Kinda makes you want to take him home and feed him soup before you go all pervy on him.

Anonymous: Ah. A question for Moi's vegetamarian friends: how do y'all go about pest removal?

Stepherz: Yes. They are. Crafty and cute. Mother Nature's Double Whammy.

moi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sparringK9 said...

nothing is cuter or better than birds! Dear God woman.

Luka said...

The squirrels round here have a death wish and spend their time launching themselves under the wheels of oncoming cars. Which is fine by me, I am not overly fond of the little tree-rats, but it does make them harder to cook and present appretisingly if you have to scrape them off your tyre first.

Jenny said...

Oh! It's hard. I have Raccoons that enter my somewhat urban garage and eat the cat's food. I dislike them (and their cute little masks) but could never harm. And then there are the rats....

I let the cats whack 'em.

I might be a vegetarian, but they aren't. Hee.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

what do you wanna bet squirrel tastes like chicken?

moi said...

SHE: Cuter than birds? Uh, lessee, Pit Bulls? :o)

Luka: Ha – I can imagine! However, one stab of those heels and you're golden, girl. Weapons of mass distraction/destruction – all the same to Moi.

AB: Well, naturally. Humanoids domesticated the feline and canine to do our dirty work so we could sit on the sofa and eat bon bons.

Pirate: Dahlink, I'm just waiting for you to show up in a squirrel fur coat to top those Michael Kors jeans.

Joanna Cake said...

We seem to have a family of mice. We first discovered them when they had burst open several packets of crisps and started tucking in. From there, they moved onto flapjacks in a different cupboard. Again they burst open secure cellophane packaging to nibble at them.

Using humane traps baited with peanut butter, we caught three fat little chaps and released them over a mile away in some woodland.

It was, therefore, very upsetting when we started to take down the Xmas tree, and discovered lots of half-eaten and empty Lindor tree chocolates hanging from their hooks. The little s***s had ignored all the Cadbury ones and been feasting on expensive Swiss choc. They had climbed up the branches of the tree and hung on to the hooks with their feet to eat them from the top downwards!

We rebaited the humane traps with chocolate spread but they're just ignoring it. Clearly the new set of interlopers only eat proper chocolate. Grrrrrr!