Friday, August 31, 2007

Out of the Mouths of Southern Babes

S.B. has a couple of long-time good friends with whom he's kept contact since his early twenties. They live in South Louisiana and through the course of my and S.B.'s relationship, I've become friendly with the wife half of the couple. I like her husband, too, but it's with her that I have the kind of 2-3 hour bi-monthly phone fests that have you waking up the next day with aching ab muscles because you laughed so hard.

In fact, I'm willing to bet this gal is one of the funniest people on the planet. Here are some for instances:

She goes to Scotland on vacation and I request she send post cards, lots of post cards. She agrees. I wait in anticipation of at least a couple photos of crumbling castles under brooding skies and lush, endless rolling green hills.

Instead, I get this:

Also come to find out last night during our phone call that while there she gave Haggis a try – twice ("Everyone kept assuring me it was better at this other place, and I guess they were right. It was less disgustin'.").

She also got thrown out of two bars, excuse me, pubs, for promoting public indecency. Apparently, she had brought with her a set of pornographic playing cards that she and her other traveling companions amiably whipped out one night in a drunken but well-meaning attempt to further improve Scottish/American relations. And promptly got shown the door.

Her response? "Hell, you'd think if anyone could appreciate some good photos of people butt-fucking it would be the Scots."

And not only is this gal hilarious, she's also extremely smart, with loads of common sense. Which she's gamely earned through plenty of life experiences, including a hell-raising youth, followed by an adulthood spent raising two children and keeping a twenty-plus year marriage not only alive but also kicking. So you bring up anything pop cultural or political and you can bet her cut to the chase is deeper than most.

Which is why I wish she could be in Reno in about 65 minutes to whisper drolly in George Bush's ear: "Where in the hell did we get this idea that any of us deserve anything. Nah, nah, we have to earn it."


Orangeblossoms said...

We so all need friends like this! I always wish I was more culturally conversant. Needless to say, I also wish I was steeped in southern colloquialisms.... Then, then.... THEN I'd quit this ministry thing and be a writer-- enhancing the world one colloquialism at a time.

Wicked Thistle said...

This gal sounds primed for membership in the COWW. Git her ass out here; she promises a rip-roarin' good time.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

Heh. It's a culture of smart arses - my favourite kind of folk. Based on my knowledge of the Scots, her personality would technically fit right in...

except for the minor detail that they are complete homophobes (and xenophobes).

there's no way she'd know that.

moi said...

Orange: yes, there's something about writing and reading suthun style that's just so compelling.

Wicked: Oh, she's a COWW girl, for sure! I hope to have her out here for a spell longer than just a couple days.

Pirate: I will definitely keep in mind the depth and breadth of your experience with the Scots for when I finally make my own pilgrimage. So at least you can tell me how not to get kicked out of the pubs. 'Cause that would totally ruin my plans for sampling every quantity of scotch known to man.

Meghan said...

Your friend sounds awesome. Then again, she's your friend... of course she's awesome.

That's hilarious about her getting kicked out of the bars. But, I still can't believe she got kicked out of bars in SCOTLAND for pornographic playing cards. That's like getting fined for surfing in Hawaii, ferchrissakes! said...

She sounds like a riot! I love a smart & sassy southern gal.