Showing posts with label Domestic Godessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Domestic Godessness. Show all posts

Thursday, June 12, 2008

A Word By Any Other Name


Would do much better than "muffin."

There are words I adore – "eclectic," "bling," "eBay," "Corvette Stingray," and "do you want wine with that?", to name just a few.

But muffin? I hate even thinking the word. It's just never up to any good. Consider: "Muffin Top." Which is what you get when you are over 30 and the only exercise in which you indulge involves a slo-mo trudge back and forth to the refrigerator for your fifth hit of Ben and Jerry's that evening alone, and you're doing it, not in your bathrobe or some such other cover up, but in one of those candy apple pink belly cropped tops that's two sizes way too small but who cares, it was on sale. At Hollister. Yew.

However, being as I also bake, there is no way to fully escape the dreaded M-Word when I get a hankering for something other than cupcake/cookie/cake/pie/mousse. So if you like 'em too, head on over to the baking blob where I try once and for all to answer the age old question when embarking upon an afternoon of M-Word baking:
Butter or Oil?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Mute Monday: Greatness

Buildings, too, are children of Earth and Sun. – Frank Lloyd Wright















Thursday, March 27, 2008

If Wishes Were Horses We'd All Eat Pie


In response to the Troll's challenge to come up with a pie to celebrate Secretariat's birthday on Sunday, March 30th, I submit to you Moi's all-time favorite.

But you'll have to head over to Da Baking Blob to see it.

Go now. It's Thursday. What else are you gonna do?

Make pie, not war. Or ugly shoes.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Make Cake, Not War


Busy, busy. Like a bee. Only larger.

So all I've gone and done blob-wise today, is nick the Troll's apple cake recipe and post it over at my other blob, The Undaunted Baker.

Come on over, would ya? Because we need frostings, Party People, frostings!

Monday, January 21, 2008

I Wanna Do Right, But Not Right Now


Hack, hack. Cough, cough. Sniff, sniff.

And while I'm busy composing the long-ass post that will explain exactly why I am making these crap weasel sickly sounds for the first time in fifty bazillion years, why don't cha just jog on over to Moi's baking blob and make yourself a mess of chocolate mousse?

Well, what're ya waiting for? I'm contagious. GO NOW.

And then, go get your laugh on by stopping by Wicked Thistle's blob for this.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Mmmmpfffmph



You know what that sound is? It's the sound of one Moi stuffing. Cookies. Into her mouth (what?!? I ran today!), while writing down her thoughts on No Country For Old Men before Aunty Belle never sends any of that southern sugar-coated hospitality Moi's way again. (It sucks to be snubbed by a southerner).

In the meantime, click on over to Moi's baking blob for the secret to the cookie that makes S.B. a happy, happy man.

Friday, November 30, 2007

The Shape of an "L" on Moi's Forehead


Boy, do I have some crazy/sexy/cool friends.

There I went, getting all bossy with 'em, challenging them to write yet another 50,000-word novel in 30 days, and then I dropped my own ball and guess what? They kept picking theirs up, despite my slacker ass. CONGRATS, Wicked and Doris! You rock.

And also a big congrats to Miz Meghan, who, despite a bundle in da oven and daily dates with the porcelain potty, NaNoBlogged her way through an entire month of a post-a-day, complete with her faboo photos.

Anyone else out there who picked up Moi's gauntlet, big ol' smooches to you, too.

Now, go to Moi's baking site and make yourselves a pie!

Speaking of food, here's a Friday's Feast:

Appetizer
What is your favorite carnival/amusement park ride?
Roller Coaster

Soup
How do you react in uncomfortable social situations?
By attempting a kind of Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s la, la, la, la, la lightness. And failing miserably.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how much do you enjoy discussing deep, philosophical topics?
10 bazillion

Main Course
Did you get a flu shot this year? If not, do you plan to?
No. I haven’t had the flu, a cold, or nary a sniffle since I quit smoking seven years, five months, three days and 47 seconds ago. I've been a miserable-ass bitch, but I haven't been sick.

Dessert
Approximately how many hours per week do you spend watching television?
About a bazillion. I loves me some television. I live in the woods, so there ya go.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

When Life Hands Moi Lemons

Coming soon to Da Baking Blob:


The Pie that Stole Moi's Avowedly Independent Heart, Chained it to the Back of a Dodge Ram Super Cab, and Never Let it Go.

In other words, you wanna woo someone? This is the pie to do it with.

Stay tuned . . .

Friday, November 23, 2007

The Day After

You know the problem with Thanksgiving?

The Day After.

Because the day after Thanksgiving, I always feel like such a slug. It's pretty tiring, all this merry thankfulness. 'Cause, you know, I'm thankful for just about everything. Well, except Crocs. Those can go.

How sluggish do I feel? So sluggish, I can't even walk the dog. I can't even muster up enough enthusiasm to finish my post on Elvis's jumpsuits. And I could not care less, less, Party People, that I am wearing every bit of fleece I own (well, to be fair, temps did plummet yesterday and it did snow overnight, so at least it's cold). Likewise, the fact that I could at this very moment be stalking the racks at the brand spanking new Anthropologie store in Albuquerque, taking advantage of a bazillion percent off that gorgemous Sleeping on Snow tunic sweater I've been itching for all fall, only makes Moi go: Meh. Where's my blankie?

But, all is not lost. In the hour and a half before LSU takes on Arkansas, I did manage to watch Evil Dead on satellite, a guilty pleasure for a sluggish day for sure, which led me to ponder the unsung pop cultural significance of Bruce Campbell's square-cut jawline. Which somehow led me to ponder this:



If you're going to name someone The Sexiest Man Alive, then for goodness sakes alive, you for ding dang sure better put a sexy photo of said winner on your cover! I loves me some Matt Damon as much as the next red-blooded film fan, especially when he gets all muscled up and steely-eyed for those Bourne movies. But here he looks less like a man of steel and more like a man who just finished dragging his ass at 2:00 a.m. to the nearest Wal-Fart for diapers for the Baby Bourne only to return home to a bloated Luciana screaming from the bedroom in Italian or Portuguese or whatever the heck her native language is for more Yoplait pronto.

Not. Sexy.

That's all.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Life's a Bitch . . .

. . . now so am I.

I'm sorry. I cannot contain myself any longer. In 1.5 weeks, S.B. and I will be attending our first Halloween party in a coon's age. And, we're actually dressing up. Not dressing up as in nice shoes and shirt dressing up, but dressing up as in for true, purchased-over-the-Internet, Halloween costume dressing up. Because that's what the invitation says we should do. And I, for once, am just going to go with it.

So can you guess who I'm going as?

I did think about:


(The only comic book hero to ever garner a Ms. Magazine cover, complete with essay by Gloria Steinem. So, you know. She's steeped in feminist cred.)

I also considered:


'Cause she's dark and conflicted and also has the requisite on-again, off-again love affair with a super duper hero dude (yes, I am a comic book nerd – deal with it).

But then I realized that both costumes are likely to be a wee bit too chilly for a late October evening.

So I decided on Cat Woman. The Michelle Pfeiffer version, though, not the Halle Berry one. Because:

A. I do not have the ta-tas to fill out Halle's costume.

and

B. Halle's Cat Woman sucks ass. Pfeiffer's is, was, and always will be, the Ă¼ber coolest of them all.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

I Heart My (Almost) New Kitchen


(But not necessarily my woefully behind-the-times digital camera. The photo is a wee too orange and the cabinets are more sage than neon.).

Anyway.

They came, they tented, they sanded, they stained, they sealed. They sorta cleaned up in that way that men have (dudes, you do what you do best; I'll do what I do best). All in one day (well, to be fair, they had our doors and drawers for five days).

I am happy. And will be even more so once Granite Transformations inserts the new counters on the 19th. No dirty demolition and tear out; just a nice, clean (supposedly) insert over existing counter tops. And if they hurt Moi's brandy new cabinets, I will be a force to be reckoned with.

Or I'll just sic S.B. on 'em.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Pray For Moi

Despite my on occasion wishing I could live in Moi's Alternative Backwards Universe and flit between five bazillion different husbands (you listening, Jack White?), there is something positive to be said for a long-term relationship with one person. Besides the obvious, create a family with blah blah blah, grow old with blah blah blah stuff, there is the mind-blowing fact that being with the same person for an eternity, uh, twelve years, allows you to grok to some interesting things about yourself. Forget psychotherapy, just get a mate. That'll learn ya.

I've certainly learned some interesting things about myself over the years. Like what happens when you mix Drama Queen Moi with So Laid Back He Makes Gary Cooper Look Like Woody Allen S.B.

You get conversations like this:

Moi: "I love you truly, madly, passionately. I can't live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, except for the fact that I don't want to do your laundry and simply must have my own bathroom. Dahlink, do you feel the same about Moi?"

S.B., dragging his eyes away from the LSU/Arkansas game: "Uh, yeah. I mean, okay, sure."

That conversation has pretty much set the tone for the rest of our relationship. I spin little dramas and S.B. defuses them. Take, for instance, my continual fear of being caught in a spinning-out-of-control airplane. To S.B., experiencing something like that would, "Certainly tell you a lot about how you handle stress, don't you think?"

Uh . . . no. For S.B., who was born cowboy-ed up, surviving something like that would be nothing more than a character-building exercise. For Moi, it would mean my main mode of transport from that point on would be roller skates. If I ever again left the house at all.

Thankfully, the majority of the time, this difference in our personalities is more a source of entertainment than friction. Except . . . when it comes . . . to . . . the thing . . . I dread . . . more than flying:

Home Improvement.

I don't have to relay to you the statistics outlining the spike in divorce rates among couples who undergo major renovation projects or build their own homes. Suffice to say, if it weren't for the fact that S.B. organizes these projects, then merrily trips out of town for work, leaving Moi to handle everything, our relationship would most likely have been shit canned long ago.

Because we simply cannot be in the same house together when these projects are going on. Because I turn into a surreal version of my lurking drama queen self. I worry and niggle and stay up at night spinning scenarios of horrific destruction and rampant lawyering. S.B., he sleeps like a baby. And the more relaxed he is, the more wrapped around the axle I become.

Like take right now, for instance. S.B. is in Oklahoma making the world safe for toaster ovens. I am at home, tap, tap, tapping my foot over contractors who are now 60 minutes late to start our cabinet refinishing project.

Ain't nothing more worry-producing to Moi than late contractors. And the sorrowful sight of my bare-ass nekkid kitchen:

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Spice of Our Lives


You know how some people say, "It feels like home?" Here in New Mexico, we say, "It smells like home."

For about four to six weeks every year, starting around the middle of August until the end of September, the air in New Mexico is filled with the smoky sharp smell of roasting green chile. So much so, in fact, that if you happen to arrive at the Albuquerque International Sunport during late summer/early fall, it's the first smell that hits you as you get off the plane. Not jet fuel. Not the musty smell of too many bodies crammed into too much filtered air space for way too long. The chile smell trumps it all.

That's because this is the time when chile farmers across the state begin harvesting their crop, a staple of New Mexico's economy for over one hundred years and part of our culinary culture for way longer than that. Today, New Mexico is the largest producer of chile in the United States and one of the top in the world. Our farmers are responsible for producing over 60 percent of the chile consumed in the United States, one of which is a variety of cayenne variety shipped primarily to hot sauce makers in Louisiana. Another one-third of our chiles go into making paprika. Over 8,000 acres of chile are harvested each year – that's mucho dinero right there, Party People.

But not only is chile a vital part of our economy, it is also a fruit unique among all other fruits, a vital part of our culture and our blood. New Mexico State University in Las Cruces has an entire research program devoted to its cultivation. It is here in the university's Chile Pepper Breeding Program (the only one of its kind in the world, by the way), that some of the most distinctive New Mexican chiles have reached their fruition: Big Jim, Rio Grande, Sandia. As well as the chile that in 2006 was deemed by the Guinness Book of World Records as the hottest in the world, Bhut Jolokia. To give you an idea of how hot it is, the average jalapeno measures in at about 10,000 Scoville Heat Unites (SHU). Bhut Jolokia measures in at 1,001,304 SHU.

In addition to containing in one pod more vitamin C than an orange, chile also has addictive properties. I've seen what happens when people withdraw from the stuff and I know what it feels like myself. Giving up smoking was easier than living without chile the few times in my life I've had to do so.

(A quick note in case you're wondering about spelling: here in New Mexico we spell chile with an "e." That's the Spanish word for the fruit. In fact, nothing will mark you as an out-of-towner, gringo, or complete moron quicker than spelling it any other way.)

So, anyway, as you can imagine, when the chile's been picked, I'm a roastin' and a stuffin'. Here's how it goes:

1. Hit any local grocery store or street corner – nine times out of ten, someone's roasting there.
2. Pick a bag, any bag. Most run thirty to fifty pounds.
3. Pay your roaster (most bags run between ten and twenty dollars).
4. Wait fifteen to twenty minutes for your chile to roast.

Here's what the chile looks like before it's roasted.









And this is what it looks like afterward.















A note of caution: once your chile is roasted go immediately home. Do not stop anywhere else, not for gasoline, not for a shoe sale at Banana Republic, not for a little old lady crossing the road. The longer that chile remains in your car, the more likely you are to have a Pulp Fiction moment, only not with blood and brains, but with scent. Which will take, like, one bazillion years to air out.

Once home, pull out your box of these:



And these:

You think the smell is sharp? Try what happens when chile hits a hangnail or, God forbid, your eyeball. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR BARE SKIN WITH THIS STUFF. Unless, you know, you're into that kind of thing . . .

Anyway.

Proceed to stuffing your freezer bags. I leave my chiles unpeeled before stuffing, but that's up to you. I find it much easier to peel them once they've been frozen and thawed. Simply hold under a bit of running water and the skin slips right off.

Here's what my kitchen counter looks like when I'm done. A dozen or so small bags for Moi and S.B., three large bags for friends. Let them cool an hour or so, then plunk them into the freezer. To use, defrost overnight in the fridg'.


I do this every year. It's one of the things that connects me irrevocably to home and one of the reasons why I can't leave New Mexico. Yes, I could do as my childhood friend now living in St. Louis does and that's ship it in. But I'd miss the smell greeting me at the airport, the inevitable debate in line at the roasters between those who pitch for Chimayo and those for Hatch, the beauty of the ritual itself, one of the most cherished in the culinary world.

So, yeah, we New Mexicans are pretty over the moon about our chile. We put it on everything. We make door knobs in its shape. We celebrate it with hoity-toity, internationally famous fiestas (which, I must admit, I joyfully attend each year). We've even made an Official State of New Mexico Question out of a common refrain at local New Mexican restaurants: "Red or Green?"

Referring, of course, to your choice of red or green chile sauce. Red, unlike green, is not roasted. It's left to hang on ristras to dry, after which it is reconstituted, mixed with garlic and other spices, and Cuisinart-ed into a smooth sauce.


Moi? I'm mostly a red gal, which I order with rolled enchiladas, in posole, over menudo, and over toast with slabs of cheddar cheese. Green I reserve for mornings over eggs and in an enchilada casserole dish that has been passed down for several generations among the Hispanic families in my hometown. Another option is to order Christmas style, which is both red and green together. But that's way too much of a mucky mess for Moi.

Want to learn more and enjoy some real purdy pictures while doing so? Then please pick up a copy of home girl Carmella Padilla's The Chile Chronicles: Tales of a New Mexico Harvest.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Sucking at the Teat of the Nanny State

You know why the 4" high, stack-heeled black leather pumps currently residing in my closet, where they are patiently waiting for Fall 2007 and yet another year of fun-colored textured hosiery, were made by Antonio Melani and hence retail for $89, and are NOT the $700 Christian Louboutin black patent leather Very Prive Pumps over which I have been lusting for ages?

Because I cannot afford the Christian Louboutins.

Of course, I want them. In the worst, worst way. And I could indulge that lust and put them on a credit card and take 1.5 bazillion years to pay them off at 25 bazillion percent interest.

Sure. I could.


But I won't. Because that would be fiscally irresponsible. After all, lusting after something and wishing you possessed it, does not equal the right to have it.

So why are we bailing out the idiots who took that same pie-in-the-sky privileged attitude with their homes?

This, Party People, is unacceptable.

And we're going to pay until the cows come home.

Which will be never.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Planet Dumb

Have you all seen this show? http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/pac_ctnt_988/text/0,,HGTV_22056_48166,00.html
Sweet Jeebus. If I'd known as a young woman that I could circumvent the whole higher edukayshun route and make a living imparting interior design advice based on someone's
horrorscope, well, I would have done it. I mean, look where my degree got me anyway, right?

So, according to the Web site for this show, this is what my ultimate "Taurus" living room looks like, complete with dumb ass commentary:


We know your type (uh, "giddy" is a type?) Taurus has very particular taste--for good reason (thanks, grand pop, I'm going to land myself in debtor's prison with this "taste" of mine)! With Venus as your ruler (oh thank God it's not George W. Bush), your sense of beauty is beauty (Then why is this living room so butt ugly? Where's the color? The stacks of books and crap magazines? The two geriatric dogs snoring and shedding on their dog beds?). Anything less than pretty leaves you feeling blue (uh, is anyone left less than blue by butt ass ugly?). In fact, you view a living room as the heart of the home (Actually, I view it as a place to eat Cheetos while watching crap movies and 'merican Idol. In my underwear.), a hub through which good energy should flow (About the only thing I want to flow through the hub of my home is air. Taking JoJo's farts with it.).

And here is my ultimate kitchen:

Where is that yummy smell coming from? (JoJo's backside) Your kitchen, of course (no, I told you, JoJo's backside). To you, cooking is the finest of the arts (actually, the finest of arts would be, well, ART) — a quality friends and neighbors appreciate (because cooking and baking keeps the voices in my head at bay and stops me from blowing a small third world country's GNP on shoes). While others may exist on Lean Cuisine, you believe in slow-cooked, home-cooked goodness (unless I'm trying to stuff my ass in my new summer bathing suit, in which case, Lean Cuisine rocks my world). In fact, Taurus — a possessive sign (hands off my cake/man/bicycle/shoes, biatch!) — likes owning stuff (I got a bunch of blisters from touching everything I see). You also believe in doing everything just so (You mean, if you squint at it JUST SO in a certain light? At dusk? After half a bottle of wine?), which makes you the sign most likely to own a bread-maker, gelato-maker and pretty little ramekins for every occasion, too (They forgot the mini-blow torch and full set of Martha Stewart baking pans.).

And, finally, my ultimate bedroom, which, I dunno, looks awfully
brown to me. And what's with that white head board thingy? A magnet for dog hair and finger prints, that's what.

You know what you like (yes, and it's NOT this bedroom). For you, the ideal bedroom is about comfort and luxury (huh, and to think all these years I thought the bedroom was for sleep and you-know-what). It should reflect wealth and the finer things in life (no, it SHOULD reflect the fact that S.B. and I are capable of picking up our clothing). You’ll choose elegant details—finely tailored curtains, custom-made bedding (no, really, I think I just choose clean)—and spare no expense to make your home a haven (you mean, the place where I store all my shit 'cause I'm sooo possessive). Just beware too much opulence (actually, no such thing): Add basics, like a rich wooden bed frame, to ground those fine silken sheets, matching duvet, and pile of plush throw pillows (On WHAT planet does this bedroom live?)! Then recline with a fine glass of wine ('kay, I'm confused. In the bedroom? I thought that was what the living room was for?). Ah, bliss (actually, I'll just take a good night's sleep, uninterrupted by dog farts, chirping crickets, wayward bats, and the neighbor's dog).

So with which sign's home do I align? Aquarius's.
Especially that kitchen. Gimme.