Thursday, December 4, 2008

Balls to Ya Daddy, I Ain't Never Comin' Back

I recently had the supreme pleasure of seeing this vehicle in the flesh. I dribbled. I drooled. I had visions of myself, all Frye-booted and Mad Max serious, screaming around town in it, burning dinosaur bones to the tune of 2.5 mpg and AC/DC's "Back in Black," leaving Mustangs and Miatas and those goofy jacked up neon green Hondas impotent in my wake. I did some quick, basic math. Without pen and paper, even, calculating how many shoes I'd have to forgo over the next fifty years in order to afford it. Estimating how long a girl can survive on Costco hot dogs, Wonder Bread, and Keds.

I know. This car is so totally inappropriate in this Brave New World of stump-shaped, corn oil fueled transport. It's like an AK-47 when all you need is a pocket knife. It's a floor length black silk Balenciaga with a slit up to there when the invite says office casual. But let's face it folks, the Smart Car just doesn't have the same elan. The Smart Car is Beta Male. The Dodge Challenger? Alpha all the way, baybeeeeeee.

You know what other car tingles my tummy? The Chevy Camaro. Perfection, regardless of the year – 1969, 1979, 2009. I don't care. They all have muscle.

Now you tell Moi, so I don't feel like such a Republican: what car would you thumb your nose at the environment for?


h said...

Great pics, great topic, and my favorite Clash song so you're my favorite blogger now!

Due to my natural gallantry, I did NOT choose to correct Aunty Belle and K9 when they ripped-on Camaro owners. So, YOU should do it.

There are a ZILLION things people can do about the environment besides whine about those of us who like to purchase, restore, and drive American Muscle cars. Frankly, that's the only thing that's prevented Mama Troll from killing Papa Troll since he retired.

We've already restored camaros and challengers, so I can't pick them.

Maybe a 67 Cadillac?

h said...


Believe it or not, I actually have a modicum of respect for the kids with the souped-up rice-burners. Provided they PAID for it themselves. And work on it themselves.

moi said...

Troll: The key to a long, relatively happy marriage? Separate hobbies. As for the rice burners: Meh. Kudos to the Japanese for making long lasting, admirably serviceable cars. But none of them have any muscle.

czar said...

I don't know about muscle, but my Prius can get up to 85 without my even realizing it, and it's gonna cost me about 30 dollars to drive it 750 miles next week.

Having said that, I'll take a late 60s-early 70s Olds 442, thanks very much.

Aunty Belle said...

"burning dinosaur bones to the tune of 2.5 mpg and AC/DC's "Back in Black,"

HOOOWWWLLL! Moi, this heah is one of yore finest!

Looky, I'se jes' enough ahead of yore years to let ya in on a secret:
Black silk Balenciaga is ALWAYS appropriate when the spirit moves.

(okay, admit it: Youse the girl in that car commercial that say "that's not the the question, the question is, when ya turn the ignition on does it return the favor?")

Doris Rose said...

I had a very hot Plymouth valiant...
"Of the contemporary American automobile Keats wrote: "She grew sow-fat while demanding bigger, wider, smoother roads. The bigger and better the road, the fatter she became, and the fatter she grew, the greater her demands for even bigger roads. Then ... she put tail fins on her overblown bustle and sprouted wavering antennae from each fin. And, of course, her every whim was more costly than the last."

Aunty Belle said...

Aunty's confession: in collich the Dean of Women (Yeah, I'se that old!) had an ole hunter green alafa romeo spider 1600. I ain't never got over it.

VintagePurseGal said...

Oh, Moi, those are some great memories. The hub and I have had a series of vintage vehicles, including a '67 Tempest convertible, '68 Camaro, and the one I would love to have back, the '65 Ford Galaxie 500XL convertible. Red, with a white top. So living-room huge that I couldn't reach the pedals. Now THAT was some car.

Gnomeself Be True said...

'67 Cougar
Not exactly muscle...but very sweet.

Jenny said...

You'd love to hang with my business partner; he grew up working on his beloved Camero and still can be caught looking at "Car Porn" in the office.

We have The Mister's grandparents Red Dodge Dart Station Wagon (65) it's not a "hot" car, but ooh, how I love firing it up (massive smoke blowing out the back) and driving it out for ice cream.

and Troll and Aunty are right... GREAT POST and anytime the Clash are quoted, I'm so very very happy.

czar said...

PS: If you don't want to feel like such a Republican, listen to and enjoy the Clash's "Washington Bullets." Because of it, my son knew who Victor Jara was in some high school class last year.

Bretthead said...

I have never really gotten into the car thing. But I can respect the feeling you enthusiasts get from certain models.

So, let me see if I have this right. You get your rocks off on cars, shoes, fashion, shopping, food, guns and pitbulls? You are quite the combo platter Moi.

Anonymous said...

I've got a vintage Lincoln Mark 1V that isn't garnishable. Want to go for a ride after I'm acquitted?

czar said...


That's one of the greatest comments I've ever read. Reminds me of when a friend of mine described someone else as "looking like a composite sketch."

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

I have a thing for pretty much any 60's vintage corvette, jag, or porsche.

but we're talking vintage muscle car, which is a different category entirely than the slew of 1990 and later cars which have no excuse for their bad habits.

it'll be a very strange day when a ford ranger truck is beloved as a "vintage" vehicle

Big Shamu said...

OK so who wants to help me Phatten up my 1990 Miata? While it may not have much power we are like a chrome waterbug zipping through "Safe and Steady" Midwestern drivers as they plod along in what they think is a horrendous rush hour. Feh!

moi said...

Czar: ooooooo, the '71. Be still my heart.

Aunty: Some of those zippy lil' Brit cars are totally drool worthy.

DorisRose: That's some pretty cool Keats! When I was a toddler, our famblee car was a Valiant. Bright red. Pop wishes he'd never rid us of it.

Wendy: Wow! And I love those old boats, too.

Iamnot: That it is. And it looks muscley to me!

Boxer: When I'm in my dotage? I'm getting one of those old boats with fins and terrorizing the neighborhood.

WTWA: Top it all off with a side of puffy Cheetos and I'm major heartburn waiting to happen.

OJ: Sorry, all outta hooker shoes.

Czar: I'm well aware of the Clash's leftist leanings but I wuv them anyway. And I regularly appropriate their anthems. Joe Strummer wouldn't mind, I'm sure of it.

Pirate: Oh my heart stops with the vintage Corvettes. My dream car hands down. I hear ya. Can you see anyone lemming for a Taurus in 20 years? Not.

Shamu: You got some Squirrelly Bobble Heads you can super glue to the dash?

fishy said...

The Packard Victoria Ladies Touring sure I could afford one even if I won a sizable lottery!

My favorite muscle car...the SS !

Jenny said...

to Shamu, I drove '92 Miata for a few years, it now belongs to my biz. partner. Great car.

Big Shamu said...

OK, I've searched out some squirrel bobbleheads but I don't think they are really going to add any muscle to my miata?

Pam said...

I like your selection and I'll go for a 1969 or 1970 Camaro, or Firebird even better. I had one when **ahem** 16 or so. Never in a million years on a Caddy. Never. I'm not for the Challenger either, but totally get the appeal. Fantastic post. And I'm sure you'd look FABULOUS in that car ;)

moi said...

Fishy: What an elegant car! Not only would you need mucho dinero to afford it, you'd also have to afford the dripping with furs, diamonds, and silk outfits to go with!

Boxer: An old friend of mine once owned a convertible Miata. In our screaming single days, we did a lot of screaming around town in it.

Shamu: Hmmm . . . pit bull Bobble Head?

PamOKC: Oh, yeah, baby. The FIREBIRD Trans Am. Totally cool!

fishy said...

We musn't overlook the Barracuda!
That was one very fast, very hot car. One of my Uncles owned and raced one all over the best teen joy ride ever...the day I "borrowed" the 'cuda and roared doen Airline highway from Baton Rouge to Nawlins!!!!! Still a rush to think about ;-)

fishy said...

Please visit the pond and participate in the perfect Princess Room design!

sparringK9 said...

wow. i want to ride with you. i like your style, grrrrrrrrrl. i think that car is VERY brave new world. you just need artillery mountings. i'll man the shotgun seat. with a shotgun. i like those new stainless steel ones that are pre sawed off. grrhrherhaha

i LIKE the hell out of "inappropriate" grherhaha

well, for muscle cars, the SS (super sport) comes to mind, early 'cudas, chevelles. the pontiac GTO.
the 1968 shelby GT..thats the red mustang featured in the james bond movie diamonds are forever. yes i did rip camaros and i will not back peddle. even though i had a torrid make out once in an iroc. you must have lived in north florida to understand where aunty and i are coming from.

in the ATL ricers are the preferred ride of mexicans.

i drive a vintage car myself. it isnt from the new world though. 25 years old in 2009! and still a charmer.

have you ever seen the barrett-jackson auction on TV? it IS car porn.

fun post!~

moi said...

Fishy: Did you have a daiquiri in a "to go" cup from the Daiquiri Shack with you?

K9: Nothing better than Barrett-Jackson. S.B. and I are glued whenever it's on, spending virtual $$ like candy. I thought the same thing about the Challenger: machine gun friendly for sure! We'll have a convo about the Camaro soon :o)

Aunty Belle said...

Heh..jes' read Twain on the sidebar--double heh!