Thursday, February 2, 2012

American Idol Snark Station: Not Idol

I was so pretty, oh so pretty.

I'm still not watching Idol. Well, S.B. switched over several times last night for grins and giggles. Steven Tyler is still too old to be that young, J Lo is still gorgeous and kind of squishy-hearted, and Randy still looks like Bill Cosby's Generation Yo Doppelganger.

However, I do want to get another music post up. This one was inspired by my drive home the other day. I was in the Jeep, not the grown up car, because I had to take the Ivanator in to the vet after he gnawed off a small tumor on his underbelly—yes, totally gross—the upshot being he had to have what was left of it surgically removed and I was kind of a mess for several days (it's really a good thing I never had kids because I would have either: A. Sold them for shoe money, or B. Worried over them so intensely, I would have driven them to join either a weird-ass religious cult or a rock band, although the latter would have been just fine with me, so long as said band wasn't Emo), but now everything's okay.

Anyway, the Jeep doesn't have satellite radio, so you know what that means. You know how in Texas and Oklahoma all the radio stations play two kinds of music, Country and Western? Well, out here in Nuevo Mexico it's Hard and Rock. From, oh, about July 2, 1977 to September 10, 1991. Which means a lot of AC/DC, Triumph, and Slaughter (okay, "Fly to the Angels" is semi-cool).

So, anyway. As I was ineffectually fiddling with the dials and trying to find something that wasn't either a power ballad or Iron Maiden, I landed on Guns 'n' Roses' "November Rain." Remember this thing? Clocking in at nearly nine-minutes long and as bloated and overwrought as Axl Rose's ego, it's the kitchen sink of rock songs. I think there are even horns. A banjo, maybe. Certainly a tuba.

And the video! Oy. I know you gents would probably be all, "But Stephanie Seymour in that mini-skirted wedding dress!" And I'd be all, "Yeah, I gotcha, but . . ." And then you'd be all, "BUT!?! What about all those OTHER models in mini-skirts with their boobs hanging out? And all those dresses melting in the rain!" (which, of course, is symbolic-ish for the impermanence of love, but to you all, it's just a wet t-shirt contest with tulle). So then I'd be all, "Dudes . . ." And our thought patterns would never, ever meet on this.

And now I will make myself a sandwich while you all go You Tube the video.

Done?

Okay, so tell Moi, what are your picks for the most pretentious rock songs ever written?

36 comments:

lx said...

Most pretentious: anything after The Sex Pistols.


What kind of Jeep? I drive a Wrangler Sahara (the yuppie version).

moi said...

lx: True that . . . Jeep is a maroon Wrangler Sport, the two door job, lifted about a foot off the ground because my husband is from the south and he'd slap a lift kit on a Lamborghini if given the chance. Oh, and there's a winch on the front, but I did put my foot down at the snorkel. Basically, it's our Apocalypse Now vehicle.

Buzz Kill said...

Most pretentious music would be anything by Prince, Sting or Lady Gaga. Of course, they are all pikers compared to - Yoko Ono.

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

The first time I've heard that song. Your right about it. The dress is OK but the girls too skinny.

How about: The Moody Blues - Nights In White Satin

moi said...

Buzz: Dude . . . I love Prince and Lady Gaga. But I will most definitely give you Sting-a-Ling. Hate his music, hate his smug-ass, pulled tight yoga dude, fifty gazillion minute tantric orgasm, probably smells like hemp and dirty feet but it's all natural schtick. Poor Yoko. She was certainly the Courtney Love of her era, wasn't she?

Karl: And so tall! Ah-hem. Anyway. You may have just picked the all-time greatest, most pretentious song ever. Many years back, there was this television show, Wiseguy, featuring Ken Wahl as this cop who goes undercover for the mob and gets embroiled in a bromance with the head mob guy and when said mob guy finds out Ken is really a cop, they beat the shit out of each other in this so-mo dance to the strains of "Nights in White Satin" and it was all just a bit . . . much.

Pam said...

We didn't bother to watch Idol either. But I seriously love this post. Will disagree about Oklahoma only having C&W stations on the FM radio. We have more than our share of mindless "best of the 70s 80s and 90s" kind of stations that play mind numbing pop. I think I could get used to NM stations! About Axl. He did have attitude but it was appropriate at the time. Now, not so much.

BlazngScarlet said...

Anything by U2 after 1985.
And yes, Sting.

moi said...

Pam: There was a time when I would have groupied myself silly for Axl Rose.

Blazng: I either love a U2 song to near distraction ("Mysterious Ways," "Bullet the Blue Sky," "Sweetest Thing") or hate it with every fiber of my being (just about everything else).

Pam said...

P.S. I'll put in a good word for Sting in his early versions. Lately, no no no. But circa Every Breath You Take? Oh my. Yes. Saw The Police live and totally fell for him. What is your position on Simon Le Bon?

Boxer said...

First, glad your boy is on the mend and you I share your anxiety when it comes to ailing pets and why children would have put me on a permanent Valium drip.

I'll go with Sting too. I love Prince, don't understand Gaga and think Madonna pretty much peaked after 1992 and should have stopped touring/etc.

Troll said...

Everyone's already hammered the usual suspects with Sting and U2 and Springsteen etc... And while they are excellent choices for the sheer VOLUME of their pretentiousness, I think the question asked for a single song.

So, I submit:

IMAGINE by John Lennon.

Troll said...

I believe "We Built This City" by Jefferson Starship has already won several Worst-Of rewards so maybe it shouldn't be included here. But YIKES, it's pretentious!

Troll said...

Is "November Rain" on the same album as "Civil War?".

Do people still say "album?".

Axl Rose's Talent's Ghost said...

I don't need your civil wo'ah-ar.
Feeds the rich while it buries the po'ah'ar.

Troll said...

I changed my mind. New ranking.

1) Southern Man by Neil Young.
2) Every other song by Neil Young.

moi said...

Pam: Simon aged well. As for Duran Duran as a group, I liked to dance to them, but I don't think I ever owned an album.

Boxer: Oh, I dunno. I will probably defend Madonna to the death. Although, I have a strong feeling her Stupor Bowl half-time show will exhibit major suckage.

Troll #1: You may think you're alone in this regard, but I imagine you're not the only one.

Troll #2: Yes. This band lost whatever cool psychedelia cred they had to begin with immediately upon changing their name. (For additional cringe-worthy fun, check out Grace Slick's 1980s Welcome to the Wrecking Ball.)

Troll #3: "November Rain" is from Use Your Illusion II, I think. And, yes. At least I still say album. Anything else is uncool.

Axl: What is your preoccupation with whistling ABOUT?

Troll: He is a hippie. Also, from Canada. Ergo, über pretentious just for breathing.

moi said...

Troll Again: Oops, I stand corrected. "November Rain" is from Use Your Illusion I, "Civil War" from UYI II, which also happens to feature the terrifically unpretentious "You Could Be Mine" and totally, TOTALLY cool cover of "Knocking on Heaven's Door."

Al Hip Hop Gore said...

I invented pretentious music.

Pam said...

I totally vote for Troll's Neal Young pretentious song choices. I won't vote for Imagine because I don't think Lennon ever intended for it to be an iconic song. And the fact that the 98% don't really get what he is talking about in the song. They just think it is pretty.

moi said...

Al: Oh, man, I just want to pinch your cheeks.

Pam: I'll let you and Troll duke that one out.

AL (the real McCoy) GORE said...

That person with "Hip Hop" in their name is an imposter!

Axl Rose's Speech Teacher's Ghost said...

I taught Axl that door, war and poor are pronounced do'ah'ar, wo'ah'ar and po'ah'ar.

The great thing about Dylan songs is that it's EASY to do a remake that sounds better than his. As in Axl's "Knocking on Heaven's Do'ah'ar" and the Byrd's "Tambourine Man" and others.

Troll said...

I mostly agree with Pam's critique of "Imagine" as a choice. No idea what Lennon's intentions were though.

Boxer said...

I LOVE Madonna. OLD Madonna and I will be watching the half time show... about three hours later and with tivo remote in hand.

czar said...

The entire album: Genesis, The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway.

moi said...

Al: You mean, sniff, the EASTER BUNNY?

Speech Teacher: "All Along the Watchtower," "Because the Night" . . . oops, that's Springsteen.

Troll: Personally, I believe he was a closet conservative.

Boxer: I hate the Stupor Bowl, but I'll tune in to see what Madge does. BTW, she just finished directing a film that looks interesting. About Wallace Simpson.

moi said...

Czar: Was Peter Gabriel fronting? 'Cause he's pretty pretentious in and of himself. Just by standing there.

czar said...

@Moi: One night back in the mid-'80s Letterman looked out to the audience and said, "You know, I just don't think we hear enough Phil Collins on the radio these days." That summed it up, about eight years too late.

I remember when a friend of mine came back from the Jersey shore in '74 or '75 with an album from some local guy down there. He was pretentious then, and he's still so -- although I have one son who is enamored of his music. Blech.

One song: Procol Harum, "Whiter Shade of Pale."

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

This tune may qualify as the most pretentious

moi said...

Czar: Even the name, Procol Harum (WTF is THAT?) is pretentious.

Karl: Bwahahahahahaha! I'm laughing because, A. I adore this song and B. I adore it mostly because it is an inside joke between the first blog summitteers . . . involving one very late night, a bit o' booze, iPod surfing, and a spontaneous dance on the part of Chickory that, well, let's just say she could have had a second career as an . . . entertainer.

lx said...

Ah, you guys have a real Jeep!

Mine is white, two-door, automatic transmission, hardtop. I haven't modified it ... yet. On my previous Wrangler I added a performance chip and a thingy to the intake to boost horsepower and a roof rack.

moi said...

lx: You and my hubs should talk :o)

Aunty Belle said...

W.E. (Wallis and Edward) is "meh" on storyline--contrived, doesn't hold together. Actress who plays Simpson is good, however.

An' remember the pledge:What happens in BR stays in BR.

I HATE Madonna, the young an' old pitiful.

(but ya knew that)

moi said...

Aunty: That's good to know. I won't bother going to see it in the theater. The story is pretty fascinating, though.

jacklymartin said...

You know how in Arizona and Ok all the channels play two types of songs,

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Anonymous said...

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