Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Twi-Headed


I recently read somewhere that the emotions we feel as teenagers are some of the strongest we'll ever feel in our lives. Anger, love, hate, jealousy, doesn't matter: between the ages of around 12-18 we're little more than walking, talking, junk-food stuffing bundles of raw nerves. It's an evolutionary imperative—eventually we outgrow it, but we've all got to go through it.

And one of the most common outlets for this heightened emotional state, at least for teenage girls, is the crush. You remember yours, right? I remember mine—they ranged from my best friend's boyfriend to rock stars to movie stars to characters played by movie stars to literary heroes to the high school wrestling coach. And while each and every one of them were unattainable, at least they were, for all intents and purposes, alive.

Which is more than I can say for these stupid Twilight book and film characters. Little girls, teenage girls, and even worse GROWN WOMEN MY OWN FREAKIN' AGE (ew!), all spinning themselves into fits of hair-rending, mascara-smearing love/lust over characters that are, for all intents and purposes, dead. Not to mention, underage.

And this time around, with movie number three, the Ew Factor is ramped up to eleventy-million, as Edward the Brooding Vampire with the Tragically Hip Haircut finally marries Now of Age Bella the Mumbling Slouch Who Can't Dress. Which means they can also finally have sex (apparently, these are Conservative Republican vampires). Which means Bella ends up, yes, PREGNANT (ew! ew!).

But let's put aside for a moment just how f - - - ed up it is for real live women to rally behind this bizarro union of the undead and their half human/half vampire freakazoid offspring and ponder the logistics of how it could have happened in the first place.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the bodily fluid most responsible for making happen the thing that needs to happen to a dude's you-know, so that he can, you-know, whether in the service of getting his partner knocked up or, you-know, just having a good time, is . . . blood. Right? Which a vampire does not have, because, correct me if I'm wrong again, vampires are dead. Which means that even if it were possible for Edward to get a (you-know), he wouldn't have the lil' swimmers capable of storming the defenses because, well, those lil' swimmers would have to be alive to do so. Right?

RIGHT?!?


29 comments:

czar said...

I really don't even know what you're talking about, but from the image and the overall tone of the text, I presumed Target was having another hip designer sale.

Boxer said...

have you read any of these books? Not only are you right about the science of how babies are made, but they are HORRIBLY written. Poor grammar is the first of many things I could list about why these books are bad for teens. Please let these movies be over with. BUT they won't because they've split the last book into two movies so they can suck (pun!!) more $$$ out of teens pockets. The only good thing? Mr.Boxer's company sells something with their image and that's the only good thing I can say about it.

Karl said...

Good afternoon Moi,

This is another media subject of which I am blissfully ignorant. However I find the whole concept revolting.

Buzz Kill said...

I know nothing about these books or movies. The Pudge won't even watch them. But I did post that exact picture a while back about the double standard that it creates (not that I want it to be ok for me to ogle 17 year old girls).

I'm not sure what this whole vampire/zombie craze says about society. Maybe it'a about immortality. A steep price to pay for it if you ask me.

Karl said...

@ Buzz Kill: Good to see you. How are you doing?

moi said...

Czar: You haven't even encountered a smidgeon of Twilight fever? Lucky you. Maybe that's because you were blessed with boys, a wife who has taste, and an office in your basement.

Boxer: I cracked one of these books once and then dropped it like a hot potato. Awful stuff, just awful. S.B. and I have watched every single movie, though, because they are so fun to make fun of.

Karl: I have never understood the whole vampire attraction thing, but can maybe excuse it in very young girls who have yet to fully form a cohesive and rational world view. But grown women? Man, that's just forked up.

Buzz: Hey! How are ya? Yes! I remember you posting this. Zombie mythology I get. The ultimate plague and a test of humankind's endurance and will to survive. The commentary on mass consumerism and scorched earth. And zombies are NOT romanticized. They don't pass in any way, shape or form for human. They are bad to the bone and the only proper response to an encounter with one is to kill it dead dead. But vampires and their whole creeped out psycho-sexual vibe? Definitely oogy.

Boxer said...

those movies are a great drinking game.

Intuitive Eggplant said...

Oh, dear, another pop culture topic here has left me in the dust. But thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. Mole sauce on spaghetti, eh?

foam said...

Where is Buffy when you need her?

moi said...

Boxer: And popcorn-aiming.

Eggy: Yeah, I get really, really lazy when left to my own devices.

Foam: Exactly!

Aunty Belle said...

Uncle an' me went to see that baseball movie--Oakland A's thang--an the line to see this vampire sludge wrapped around two blocks! All quiverin' 40 somethion's wif their teens --revoltin'. No wonder the country is in the tank.

moi said...

Aunty: The baseball movie with Brad Pitt? How was it? I hear it's pretty good and I'm a big fan of baseball movies.

Aunty Belle said...

Moi, MoneyBall is good enough. Never knowed the story, but the screenplay is based on real life events.

The nerdy Yale kid is perfectly played, Pitt does not over Pitt the scenes ( my one other liked BP movie, Meet Joe Black) and the storyline is interesting even iffin' y'aint a sports groupie.

An'--wonder of wonders--the foul language is minimal, an no gratuitous skin either--in short, they keep the story's main focus. That alone makes it worth seein'. SB will like it.

Rafael said...

Moi:

Granted, I don't know about any "swimmers" shoot'n from a vampire, but to be fair...

If he first dines on her flesh, can he not use HER tad bit o' blood to direct towards HIS "area", thus helping him "rise" to the occasion?

But, what do I know about such things...? I'm barely past being a running, singing, plate cleaning bundle of raw nerves just a burst'n to GET OUT!!!

Be well, be happy, may your day not be crappy--

Rafa

moi said...

Aunty: Good to know. We haven't been out to a movie in ages, but there are two I want to see this season: this one and the American version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo that starts Dec. 21.

Rafe: Hmmmm . . . I dunno, dude. Wouldn't the blood he sucks just go into his stomach to be utilized and broken down by its enzymes to . . . ah, never mind. None of it makes any sense. But thanks for trying!

Perfumaniac said...

OK, I officially love your blog(b)!

Where is you contact info? I'd love to send you a personal message!

And yes, Twi-moms are creeeeepy.

--Barbara

Perfumaniac said...

Oh, yeah, and are you on Twitter? If so, follow me @crazy4perfume and we can chit-chat there!

moi said...

Barbara!: I read your blog all the time. The Halston post is great—-super history. I don't publish my email here, and I'm not on Twitter, but I'll send you a separate message and we can chat. Are you on POL?

fishy said...

The entire subject is icky.

Last week, there was a trailer for this movie during the news hour at the Pond. Blowfish watched in disgust before saying, " Who watches this garbage? Who writes it? Who makes these movies? They should all be sucked off the planet."

Obviously,
the adult women in your photo should go first.

moi said...

Fishy: Lipo-suction for the planet. Hmmmm . . . I like it!

K9 said...

i remember when Boxer said they looked like one big abercombie and fitch commercial. true, dat. the fact is, there is nothing erotic about a life taking bloodsucker. the character edward cullen is about as sexless as it gets. and the chick is a horrible actress. I can imitate her pretty well actually -I watched the first movie on my pirate satellite. oy vey. its gross but i get the fun you and SB have making fun. Western civ on the skids. sho 'nuff.

K9 said...

@aunty. i love meet joe black. man brad pitt looks good in that. (no he looks like he lives under a bridge -no offense, Troll)

moi said...

K9: Have you seen the film spoof of Twilight, Vampires Suck? The girl in that does a hilariously spot-on Bella. You'll have to do yours and send it to me.

Brad Pitt used to be so pretty, it hurt to look at him. Now? Angelina is sucking the life out of him. But at least he is no longer sporting that barf-a-rama-ass goatee thingee.

Pam said...

I also tried to read one of the books and failed to get through it. But the movie was on tonight and I sat through enough of it to know that the girl is a really whiny character, Edward is nice looking in a pale, sickly kind of way which does nothing to evoke schoolgirl crush in my book, and Jacob at least has a personality. Am I being sucked in because I set the DVR to record the rest of the movie so I could see what all the fuss is about? I'm starting to worry about myself.

moi said...

Pam: Oh, no, the movies are great good fun, because they are so stupid. The funny thing about the Edward character is that the actor who plays him, Robert something, comes across in interviews as one of those typically lively, slightly bawdy British male types. Tons of personality, none of which he transfers to this glum glub of a character.

LaDivaCucina said...

Great point, Moi, and the photo of the pathetic moms is priceless (and sad!) Give me Anne Rice, says Diva! Well written and mysterious and REAL (as you can get writing about vampires!) Have you watched American Horror Story? My new fave show..one of the characters is a ghost and in love with the teenage girl, she tries to grab his "package" during a steamy scene and....nuthin'. Cos he's not alive! PS: I never got to see your comments to Ol' Schleppy! Hope you gave it to him good!

moi said...

La Diva: Been watching American Horror Story from the beginning. (Who's the gimp, ya think?) It's GREAT! Worth watching for Jessica Lange's performance alone.

czar said...

About all I got here is rushing home in 3rd and 4th grades to watch Dark Shadows.

LaDivaCucina said...

I have no idea. At first I thought it was the ghost boy (sorry, terrible with names) but he reappeared with the gay couple. And if ghost boy can't "do it" how can any other apparition? My fave twist is how the men can see the maid as the young vixen but no one else can.....and what a sick and tortured relationship her and Jessica Lange have, don't they? And I love the house...wonder if it's in Hancock Park? (though they showed Dylan McDermott jogging around Echo Park in Silverlake) Ok, off to the beach for the first time in months!!!! Enjoy the day, amiga, enjoy! xo