American Idol Snark Station: Movie Music Week

Paul: "Old Time Rock and Roll"
Remember when it was safe to have a movie star crush on Tom Cruise? I do, and it was all Risky Business's fault, too. But now that I know Cruise is at least half out of his mind, yew! I totally gross myself out, knowing I ever fanned myself for even one second over his tightie whitey Bob Seger dance. Ergo, I cannot listen to this song. And I really don't want to listen to it being re-sung by someone who is also bronc busting the front end of his own special short bus to Crazy Town. The suit is tres cool, though.

Lauren: "Hanna Montana Movie Song"
Sweet, sweet girl. Big, big voice. Totally, totally boring song. Although, how nifty was that, Will and Jimmy dissing Miley and Pia on national television? Best moment of the evening.

Stefano: "End of the Road"
"What separates the good ones from the great ones is the performance." So sayeth Stefano about his ability to toss pizza. Wait? What? Oh, sorry, he was talking about his singing. Meh. I guess the best thing I can say about this performance is that it didn't make me want to clamp both my hands over his mouth in a desperate attempt to stop him from breathing.

Scotty: "I Cross My Heart"
I would rather have heard "Everybody's Talkin'" However, this kid's going to get lots and lots of chicks, much in the same way I suspect Dwight Yoakam gets chicks.

Casey: "Moulin Rouge Song"
This kid will also eventually get lots and lots of chicks, much in the same way I suspect Lyle Lovett gets chicks.

Haily: "Call Me"
There was a period in my life when, had a genie popped out of a magic lantern in front of me and granted me three wishes, I would have taken only one: Turn me into Debbie Harry. To me, she was the epitome of rock chick cool, Blondie the epitome of rock band cool, and I utterly worshiped them both. I dyed my hair like Debbi, dressed like Debbie, and even for a while adopted her bizarre, hiccupy New Jersey accent as my preferential way of addressing my parents. Therefore. I will accept no imitations. Especially when they suck as badly as this sucks.

Jacob: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

James: "Heavy Metal"
I hate Sammy Hagar. I hate his stupid curls and sun burnt beer belly and faux danger boy attitude and crap tequila that makes your head feel like it's been caught in a high school shop class vice the next morning. And I can't begin to tell you how many midnight movie runs of Heavy Metal (okay, three) had to sit through when I wasn't in shop class, or any other class for that matter, because of some boy or another I had for some reason set my sights on, or that my best-friend-forever had set her sights on, because these were boys with cars that actually ran and older brothers who could buy us beer. But, I liked this version. Although, Randy, seriously, Durbin is nowhere near Oz Fest material.


So, that's that, Party People. Another of the most uninspiring and over-praised American Idos in the history of the universe. Now, excuse me while I go watch some real television. If you're not watching Justified, too, you're missing one of the best shows on television.