Thursday, January 22, 2009

Wherefore Art Thou Romeo? At home. In your workshop. Where you belong.

Warning: Do Not Try This At Home

* * *
It must have been the super-sized lunchtime margarita that made me so magnanimous, so sloppy silly with my words, but at least I was sober enough to regret them almost as soon as they came spilling out of my mouth: "Honey bunny, since we're right next door to Dillard's, do you mind if we pop in quickly so I can check out the Fryes?"

S.B. shrugged. He'd never been to the Dillard's shoe department before. Not just a shrine to which I make frequent pilgrimages, but My Church. Seriously. Anyone who doesn't think it's possible to speak to Jesus during normal working hours and get an answer has yet to attend a 75 percent off Dillard's shoe sale. So I was a little nervous about S.B. entering my other world.

Sure enough, as soon as we got there, I knew I should never have asked. Not that S.B. fidgeted or rolled his eyes or tugged at his collar or anything like that. It's just that he looked so out of place, so wrong, sitting there all politely stoic among all the shiny new shoes and spiky heels and decorous sales folks who have perfected the art of the hushed tone.

Because S.B. looked so wrong, so out of place, I of course couldn't enjoy myself, couldn't give the merchandise the proper consideration it deserved and so all I could manage was a hasty pass at a pair of Fryes for fit before high tailing it out of there for the nearest Sportsman's Warehouse. Had I not acted as quickly as I had, most likely S.B.'s alpha presence would have sucked all the atmosphere from the building, leaving me and the other women in attendance with the dawning sense that maybe, just maybe, lusting after a neon pink pair of Vincent Caputo snakeskin cage pumps with hammered silvertone buckles might not be all that normal after all.

So I got us out of there and we never spoke of it again.

So, listen. All you ladies who drag your men shopping with you? Unless he's gay? Stop it. They don't like it. In fact, not only do they not like it, they can't handle it. You ask your girlfriend, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" you'll get an honest answer. Or at least one so superlatively shined on that, hell, it doesn't really matter what the truth is.

Ask your guy? All you're doing is sending his brain into response overload, the equivalent of turning his amplifier up to eleven, and what you'll get is not a helpful answer, but a blubbering mass of stammers so inconclusive, you'll likely go all girly girl on his ass and starting thinking he no longer finds you attractive and just whose butt does he think looks good anyway and then you'll go home and give him the silent treatment and he'll slink off to play Hitman on his Xbox and before you know it, you're sending two more divorce lawyer's children to Harvard.

26 comments:

Gnomeself Be True said...

For 15 years I've always watched for clues on what she likes. If she asks me if I like an outfit, I already know if she likes it or not. If I think she likes it, I say I like it. If I think she doesn't....She's just catching on to my scam.
Women are out of their minds on this stuff. I mean, she married me because I've got a penis and like girls...right? I can open the pickle jars and take out the trash after I fix the car. As a bonus, I can cook the meals and rear the kids.
Do I have to be the gayfriend/girlfriend that tells you your ass doesn't look big in those pants? Hell, your ass makes the pants look big, not the other way around!
You want the truth? "You can't handle the truth!"

(Actually, that last scene works here...because Jack Nickleson is a bad-ass and Tom Cruise is a woman.")

EmmaK said...

I don't drag him, he actually wants to come. Say I go to Nordstrom Rack where you are meant to look through 4,000 tops in order to find maybe one or two bargains, I feel like, can I really be bothered? Whereas he enjoys patiently looking through them and picking out ones to my specifications. He is the perfect man, what can I say: he's a lover, he's a shopper, he's a foot massager.

moi said...

Gnome: It's okay. You're not alone. Most men are just as confused about it all. Deep breath and go shoot something.

Emma: Wanting to go? When you don't have the focus yourself? Now that's a completely different story. That's called: SCORE. Me, though? I have to shop alone. I don't even go with girlfriends unless I'm imparting fashion advice.

Doris Rose said...

wunerful, wunerful. oh to be a fly on the wall. I'm sure that's why god invented Home Depot.But seriously,What do the Frye's look like?

K9 said...

grrrrrherhahaha. exactly once in 17 years have the big dog and i shopped together. for a party dress.

"what about this one?" he asked

"the cut is wrong for my arms" said i

"this?"

"pattern too big for my frame"

"i like this yellow one"

"wrong for my skin tone"

"this one?"

"a babydoll cut? jaysus!"

"i'll just catch the MARTA home"

"great idea. later, baby"

i bought a betsy johnson dress that was cute but appropriately mature enough for me.


hahahahahahahaha! i would NEVER take a bonafide man to a shoe department and i dont have any gay male friends. i know thats rare, but i dont.

in fact, i dont like shopping with anyone. i know when my ass looks bad. trust me.


grrrrrrrherhahahahaha to the gnome. im very clear now that you do have a penis.and im sure its quite impressive. agree with your assessment of jack and tom.

moi, you tell a great story! what is it about SHOES that we all love?

Gnomeself Be True said...

k9,
That wasn't my point.
My own anatomy has been irrelevant since my wife conceived our second and last child.
I’m just railing at the nature of women in general (present company excepted).

K9 said...

well im just as thick as a damn brick. im misfiring all over the internets. grherha

pamokc said...

Oh girl, you knew better than to try that escapade. There is no satisfactory shopping done with men, unless it is something they are looking for themselves! And the Dillard's 75% off shoe sale???? *******SIGH****** I don't get to make it there often enough! I sure hope Dillard's makes it through the slump, they closed one store here in OK I believe.

moi said...

K9: We seriously need to do a post on the dreaded babydoll :o) And I need to suss out what, exactly, it IS about shoes. Invite fellow pedi-files to chime in, too.

Gnome: I dunno. Wimmin can la, la, la, la, la themselves re male anatomy all they want and y'all still come out ahead.

Pam: Oh, Lord, no. Dillard's close? Cold. Dead. Hands.

TROLL said...

You owe your male readers a post about Guns and Food.

Boxer said...

I leave the Mister at home because the last time I took him (1988) he said everything I put on needed to be tighter. Ha! I also hate seeing men in the lingerie department. WHY ARE YOU THERE??? Can't you just hide the Victoria Secret Catalog under your LazyBoy?

moi said...

Troll: If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake.

Boxer: Bwahahahahaha! They always look slightly creepy, no?

Wow, that was awkward said...

Dual shopping is rare now that we have kidlets to deal with. In the past, I would cope by wandering to the men's section and/or the nearest pub.

K9 said...

grrrrrherhahahha to troll!

Boxer said...

Extra Super Creepy. It truly bothers me. The last thing I want is to be hunting around in the "push up" section and look up to see some guy holding a lace bra for his wife to consider. Get.A.Life. Where's the "surprise"???

Gnome, Troll and GTWA are all very brave to be commenting here today.

Boxer said...

Extra Super Creepy. It truly bothers me. The last thing I want is to be hunting around in the "push up" section and look up to see some guy holding a lace bra for his wife to consider. Get.A.Life. Where's the "surprise"???

Gnome, Troll and GTWA are all very brave to be commenting here today.

Wendy said...

I go with my guy to car shows and poker tournaments. No shopping malls. After 24 years of marriage, he says my butt looks great.

Which isn't entirely accurate, but if he wants to say it, I don't argue.

moi said...

WTWA: Looks like one of your boys might grow up to be like Emma's husband, though :o).

Boxer: Hear ya. There should be separate times men are allowed or they can shop on line.

Wendy: Now that's an interesting point. S.B. and I share all kinds of hobbies - I can hang with an SEC football game or two, love classic car shows, and since I play golf myself, no problem with wall to wall television coverage. He's just as fascinated by a trip to Williams and Sonoma as I am and will happily go gallery hopping in whatever city we're visiting. Clothing and shoes shopping, however, is strictly verboten.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I've learned that when The Boyfriend suggests entering the shoe department it's best to say yes.

It means he wants to buy Mama some shoes.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Ha, you are right. He loves pretty things. And often puts on his mommy's shoes in the house. He fancies a particularly high heel.

moi said...

Mandy: Men bearing shoes as gifts is one of life's greatest joys. Lucky girl.

WTWA: Smart kid. How does he feel about the wedge?

pamokc said...

Yes my favorite Dillards in OKC closed. I know! It is awful. But it was in a dying mall (Crossroads) and there are two more in town still, so there is hope that they will not disappear entirely.

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

spouse and I do not shop together for "me" stuff.

occasionally he will forget himself and volunteer to come along. I reckon he asks himself, how bad can it be? on those rare occasions when he has good-naturedly accompanied me, he is eventually worn down by the experience. I am a shopping master. where he excels at endurance running, i excel at endurance shopping. I don't stop until I find what I am after. before long, his good nature wears off, and he gets progressively more testy.

I liken the experience to that of washing a cat.

you would think I am talking of a multi-hour shopping expedition involving sherpas, camps, and oxygen bottles, but no - I can exhaust my man of shopping over the course of, say, 20 minutes tops. he has the shopping attention span of a bird.

still he never learns. his memory is short, and he is a curious sort. he forgets, and he comes back for more.

how bad can it be?

the Dread Pirate Rackham said...

you know, I leave some of my better comments on your blog, you inspire me so.

Wow, that was awkward said...

He is most familiar with the wedgie. Something every boy that wears whitey tighties must learn.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Very wise Moi. I have always used the fact I never drag guys shopping as a selling point. Or rather if there is a joint purchasing decision to be made such as a piece of furniture I have already done all the reccies and narrowed it down to a couple of choices to minimise the manly pain!