Thursday, February 10, 2011
American Idol Snark Station: Hell Week
So it begins. The whittling down of a couple hundred starry-eyed hopefuls into the final, what, 20, contestants that will compete for the title of American Idol and give us all something to snark about for the next couple months.
Which we'll do right here, for those of you still hanging on for the 10th season. I mean, why not? You got something better to do on a Thursday night in late winter? Watch Jersey Shore? Sweet Jesus, any of you see this thing? I'm embarrassed for my Eye-talian heritage right there. (And wondering if this wasn't at some point the fate of one of my beloved cousins in his early twenties, or if he went more Springsteen than Guido. Say it isn't so, on either count.)
Anyway, last night began the first night of the winnowing process affectionately known as "hell week."
Some brief observations:
1. I don't care that he can sing and has one of those wonderful growley, smokey undertones to his voice, there's something about Boca Raton's Brett Loewenstern, with all that curly red hair and slightly herky jerky mannerisms and his sob story about being picked on as a kid (is it just me or are all y'all also tired of bullying as le cause du jour?) that kind of creeps me out. Only time will tell if he turns out to be more Layne Staley and less Carrot Top.
2. Precocious children will never, ever earn points with me. Victoria Huggins was so ding dang irritating, her mother so earnestly Dina Lohan-esque from the sidelines, that I wished, wished, wished real hard that she wouldn't make it through. And she didn't. See there? You can always get what you want.
3. The guy whose girlfriend is gorked? Chris Medina? Man, I feel for him. I have no idea what I'd have the strength to do or not do in his situation.
4. Steven Tyler. Is it wrong that I find this man hot? Even when he wears more leopard print than I do? Probably. But what do I care?
5. J-Lo. Yes, she's kind of a weenie, but don't y'all just love her hair? Even if it is nothing more than extensions, they're good extensions. Also, there is something to be said for just showing up clear-eyed and steady-voiced. If, on occasion, a wee bit too sparkled-out for mid-day.
6. Randy. It's funny the way he's trying to position himself as the strong arm. But to me, he's more cuddly than cruel. Also: if you often wonder, as I do, what happened to all of Bill Cosby's sweaters from the late 1980s, well.
7. Ryan Seacrest. Yup. I still want to stick an AK-47 in his face.