Thursday, February 10, 2011

American Idol Snark Station: Hell Week


So it begins. The whittling down of a couple hundred starry-eyed hopefuls into the final, what, 20, contestants that will compete for the title of American Idol and give us all something to snark about for the next couple months.

Which we'll do right here, for those of you still hanging on for the 10th season. I mean, why not? You got something better to do on a Thursday night in late winter? Watch Jersey Shore? Sweet Jesus, any of you see this thing? I'm embarrassed for my Eye-talian heritage right there. (And wondering if this wasn't at some point the fate of one of my beloved cousins in his early twenties, or if he went more Springsteen than Guido. Say it isn't so, on either count.)

Anyway, last night began the first night of the winnowing process affectionately known as "hell week."

Some brief observations:

1. I don't care that he can sing and has one of those wonderful growley, smokey undertones to his voice, there's something about Boca Raton's Brett Loewenstern, with all that curly red hair and slightly herky jerky mannerisms and his sob story about being picked on as a kid (is it just me or are all y'all also tired of bullying as le cause du jour?) that kind of creeps me out. Only time will tell if he turns out to be more Layne Staley and less Carrot Top.

2. Precocious children will never, ever earn points with me. Victoria Huggins was so ding dang irritating, her mother so earnestly Dina Lohan-esque from the sidelines, that I wished, wished, wished real hard that she wouldn't make it through. And she didn't. See there? You can always get what you want.

3. The guy whose girlfriend is gorked? Chris Medina? Man, I feel for him. I have no idea what I'd have the strength to do or not do in his situation.

4. Steven Tyler. Is it wrong that I find this man hot? Even when he wears more leopard print than I do? Probably. But what do I care?

5. J-Lo. Yes, she's kind of a weenie, but don't y'all just love her hair? Even if it is nothing more than extensions, they're good extensions. Also, there is something to be said for just showing up clear-eyed and steady-voiced. If, on occasion, a wee bit too sparkled-out for mid-day.

6. Randy. It's funny the way he's trying to position himself as the strong arm. But to me, he's more cuddly than cruel. Also: if you often wonder, as I do, what happened to all of Bill Cosby's sweaters from the late 1980s, well.

7. Ryan Seacrest. Yup. I still want to stick an AK-47 in his face.

21 comments:

Buzz Kill said...

My kids watch Jersey Shore and it is the most god-awful piece of crap I've ever seen. If I were a woman (and sometimes the Mrs thinks I am) I would be horribly offended by this show. Boys are going to watch this and think that's the way they should treat women. If we had a show called Ghetto about how black kids live, do you think anyone would be offended by that? Do you think Al Sharpton would let that one pass?

As for AI. Can't stand it and won't watch it. The Mrs and the Pudge follow it religiously. I blame this show for why music from the ought decade was so bad. Even wose than the 90s. Good singers and bands pay their dues playing in garages and dives, and that forms the soul of their music. That doesn't happen here.

I will say there's probably a lot of material to make fun of here, so have at it. And Steven Tyler is 62 years old. I loved Aerosmith but grow old with some dignity dude.

moi said...

Buzz: Don't think I'm not embarrassed about having "those" feelings for someone who is old enough to be my father. Uncle. Er . . . older cousin twice removed on my mother's side. Anyway, I get cha, but then again, what? He was going to grow up and out of it and into Carhardt's and socks with sandals? He was going to become, like, David BOWIE?

Troll said...

I thought at first that Steven Tyler was America's version of Keith Richards. I.E. With the amount of drugs they've ingested, they should be dead.

Then it dawned on me. He is, in fact, dead. So, he's now Steven Tyler's Leering Ghost. Yes, he'll be allowed to judge haiku sometime in the future if he does a good job judging on AI. Which he might.


There are two contestants I already hate. (I haven't yet reached the hate stage for Carrot Top but I'm close.) SICK of hearing about bullying! If you're bullied, you FIGHT the bully! It's worked for centuries.

Heck, I usually stopped bullying squirrels like Carrot Top if they were willing to stop whining and try to fight.

Anyway, I HATE OBAMA INTERN. She's just so smug, ugly and talentless. She looks like the bastard child of Joe Biden and Steffi Graf. Except her shnozz is even larger than Steffi's and she ain't athletic.



And I HATE welfare-freak with illegitimate child my tax dollars paid for. I hate the fact that California "Doctors" diagnosed him with BOTH "Tourette's Syndrome" and "Functional Autism" so he could go on welfare. Even though no REAL Doctor would ever conclude he had either affliction.

Yes, he has very good range. But I HATE singers who insist on displaying EVERY NOTE IN THEIR RANGE with every lyric line!

I kind of liked Red-Beard guy and some others.

The story-line with the annoying ex-lovers is pretty lame but they can both sing.

Maybe they'll end up being something like "The White Stripes" but without SUCKING.

Maybe someone who hasn't been featured yet will be like Courtney Love without SUCKING.

And maybe, just maybe, during "group week" a group will form that will be like the "Black Eyed Peas". Without really really really SUCKING!

Grrherhahahahahahahaha!

Adam Glambert said...

I think that kid misdiagnosed with "Tourette's Syndrome" and "Functional Autism" needs to learn how to sing in a restrained controlled manner. Like me.

Boxer said...

I've never watched one second of J.S. I guess teens watch it and Buzz makes a good point about the double standard. I do know it's not making the Italian community happy.

I'm so glad you said something about future TMZ Favorite, Red Head Kid. Not stable. Not that good.

In the same category of "glad to say buh-bye" the cutesy couple got broken up and I wish I could say I felt bad for him. He seems like a future Spencer Pratt to her Heidi Montag.

At this point, I don't worry about who's being cut, which makes it easy to think about the jugdes. And when I say judges, I mean,

Steven Tyler. Damn.

Great write up.

Courtney Love said...

Those of us who actually have Tourette's Syndrome are offended by that guy on AI.

Boxer said...

bwahahahah to Troll and Adam.

Boxer said...

@Courtney - can you even still put a sentance together? Woww.

chickory said...

what in the heckis "gorked"?

i dont watch until the final 12. i dont want to know anyones back story. I always liked Randy DOG Jackson. I wonder how SImon's new show will go. I sort of hate Idol, but will watch just so I can rip it with you on your snark station.

steven tyler has a mouth bigger than the grand canyon.

chickory said...

ghetto! what a great reality tv show!! the snoop dog vehicle didnt work cause hes RICH, beeatch!

Courtney Love said...

@boxer,

$#*^# @$%%! *++=# %^#@#**

#$% My %&*+ing Haiku has @%&**

Syllables, You #@%%&%!


@Troll,

You want to $*&@ing end up like @*7%%ing Kurt? %8@@ You!

moi said...

Troll: Ooooo, yes. Obama intern. She, I want to smack in the face with a Birkin bag. Tres annoying. I think at a certain point, you do so many drugs, they have a preservative effect. Pee Ess: I have made a mix tape for you comprised entirely of White Stripes, Black Eyed Peas, and Courtney Love.

Adam: Reduced to teaching now, are we?

Boxer: Spot on about your Montag/Spence assessment! Bwahahahahah! I want to get locked in an elevator with Steven Tyler. You know, for purely scientific purposes.

Chickory: Gorked = major brain damage. She got in a car accident three months before their wedding. You know you want to get stuck in an elevator with Tyler, too. Admit it. Go on. You're among friends, here.

Courtney: And you want to get stuck in an elevator with Troll. Admit it. You're among . . .

Pam said...

Glad to know what gorked means. I don't want to know the back stories too much either. Red head picked-on kid ... guess what, you are still in high school and it isn't going to stop now. It might get worse. I still think they shouldn't let high school kids on the show. Do they have the maturity to deal with all this? I think not. There have been some interesting singers thus far and I think they did a good job of weeding them down last night. Did the quirky girl singer get in? The one from SF who had the guitar and quirky voice? I don't know how else to describe her. WHAT I HATE: (1) the fact that they focus on some and not all of the contestants. (2) Ryan Seacrest. (3) J-Lo and her big sparkly eyes. But will agree with Moi that she is taking the job seriously and at least shows up ready to do the job. WHAT I LOVE: (and I can't even believe I am admitting this in public) -- Steven Tyler has blown me away with this. I hate him and his singing and most of Aerosmith for that matter. But he is doing a fantastic job and is a real plus for the show. Great write-up, can't wait to see where the season goes from here. But X-Factor? Uh, will Simon blow them all out of the water? Methinks so.

Steven Tyler's Ghost's Plastic Surgeon said...

I'm here to dispel the myth that Mr. Tyler had his lips made bigger.

Actually, I made them smaller.

PROOF!

http://www.bouldercool.com/tyler1.jpg

Quirky Girl from San Francisco said...

@Pam,

Yes, I made it through. I won a kid's talent show at age 4. I liked the attention so much, I decided not to let my voice change at all during the following 20 years.

Empty Elevator said...

oh please, oh please, oh please.

chickory said...

no. i have to own up to the fact that I am kind of square. I prefer aging bluesmen that accept the natural progression of life. Think Eric CLapton playing acoustic in his cardigan and hushpuppies.

Liv Tyler said...

I want to be stuck in an elevator with Troll. Where I will sing "My Daddy's Rich and My Mama's Good Looking". Among other things.

moi said...

Pam: Agree with you totally on the age thing. Fifteen? That's not okay. And you know what? I can count on one hand the number of Aerosmith songs I like, much less tolerate. But 20 years ago I actually saw him in concert with the first husband, who was a huge fan and got us front row tickets. Skid Row opened and I have to tell you: 1. Sebastian Bach had the best head of hair I've ever seen in my life, man or woman; 2. Skid Row was better and harder edged than history gives them credit for; 3. Steven Tyler, love him or hate him, definitely has "it." So much so, the ex spent much of the concert with his hands over my eyes.

Steven Tyler's Ghosts Plastic Surgeon: Well that right there proves Tyler had NO CHOICE but to grow up and become what he is today.

Quirky Girl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxS4lqppZ6Y

Empty Elevator: ?

Chickory: ROTFLMAO. Just so long as he doesn't wear socks with sandals . . .

Liv: Your mama WAS good looking, girl. Except for the longest time, you thought your papa was Todd Rundgren. What that will mean to Troll, I don't know.

Karl said...

Good morning Moi,

No comment, just came by to read.

Anonymous said...

LOL at the Layne staley/Brett comment, first time i saw him i thought they found perfect guy for Layne biopic. Too bad hes not nearly as powerful but i do like Brett's tone a lot