I Hate Myself For Wearing You

Three months ago, stooooooopid ass Dish Network went and canceled their contract with Voom Network, which also effectively canceled one of the highlights of Moi's week: Thursday evenings on the sofa with Fresca and Cheetos deconstructing the latest hideousness to ooze its way out of Marc Jacobs' brain. Yes, I hate Marc Jacobs. I find his "designs" to be overrated, condescending, and terribly butt-ass ugly. No, I realize he is not the only designer to commit these sins. He's just the one I love to hate the most.

Take this dress. You know, just know, when this thing came down the runway, the fifty bazillion fashion mavens perched in the front row bobbed their bobble heads at each other in dim-witted Emperor's New Clothes-like fashion and tittered, "Dahlinks, this is genius, pure genius." When, instead, someone should have immediately jumped to their Louboutined feet and screamed, "Dudes, somewhere in Manhattan, a daycare center is missing its DRAPES."




Anyway. Back to Dish Network.

I even wrote a letter to the company's head muck-mucks, and when no response from that was forthcoming, stated my case in a carefully elucidated over-the-phone protest to one of their Pakistani service reps who, despite her limited English, totally understood where I was coming from and tut-tutted along with me in a touching show of allegiance. Sniff. Fashion truly crosses all borders. But, alas, she was unable to offer me any hope of Voom's reinstatement. So, as of this moment, I remain, terribly, tragically, Fashion TV-less. Which means I have to log onto New York Magazine and suffer through the teensy videos. But suffer, I do. And aghast, I am. Marc Jacobs aside, there are two other fall 2008 trends that have the smoke rising from my ears.

Suck Ass Trend #1: Plaid

Can you freakin' believe plaid is still in? Look, I don't care if you dress it up and call it Betsy Johnson OR Oscar de la Renta (who would, of course, never stoop), the ONLY justification for this material's existence is to make kilts for hot Scottish dudes who regularly neglect to don their tightie whities underneath. If all that was left in my closet was a pair of high waisted jeans with tapered legs and a pair of day-glo orange Crocs, you couldn't crowbar me into any of these outfits. Yes. I said it. I would rather be caught out in public in Crocs than hiding out in my living room in plaid.

Bottom line: No. No, no, no, no, no. And, one to grow on: HELL NO.

Suck Ass Trend #2: Jumpsuits

Yes, you heard me. Jumpsuits are in for fall. Jeezus, I thought they went the way of The Runaways, who, regardless of their playful pushing of the jail bait envelope, terrific eye makeup, and totally cool songs, still managed to look NOT SO HOT in the jumpsuit.


And while today's interpretation of the trend are thankfully baggy enough to take care of any potential camel toe issues, they are also heartbreakingly free of even a whiff of Studio 54-like fabulousness or tongue-in-mechanics-chic. Maybe, just maybe, you could justify the jumpsuit if it were all part of an elaborate ploy to get a little something something by appearing to be all helpful when your guy does whatever it is he does when bending over a car engine or tucking himself underneath the bathroom sink and then afterward, you slowly unzip the thing to reveal – ta da! – a sexy bit of Agent Provocateur. Nah. This stuff is too grimly utilitarian, too Soviet-style sexless to inspire any fun of that sort. Instead, it's as if Nikita Khrushchev himself rose from the grave to design the ultimate outfit for standing 12 hours in line at the state-run grocery store under grey skies vomiting industrial disease.

No lingerie here, folks. Just TWO kinds of shoes: black or blacker.